If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

@tattleandbagels that’s a totally separate issue surely? Isn’t she a stay at home parent for their children in which case no she’s not sponging!

And HIS financial responsibility of HIS children (and their mother’s) should stay that way.

@tattleandbagels

They have coped up until a SAHM luckily landed in their laps, and now they are both trying to make their own lives easier by making OP's harder.

I am not sure how having to be financially responsible for another adult is making anyone's life "easier"? (apart for the SAH partner)
Might as well get a nanny or childminder with a clear set of responsibilities.

It's not a dig against SAH partners, but you can't have it both ways. If you are in a relationship, you help each other out.

I would agree if it was agreed at the time of deciding OP would be a SAHM that OP would take over her DH's school run and holiday childcare responsibilities for his older children.

But from OP's posts it seems that it wasn't discussed and it's something she's anticipating to come up shortly. Her DH has clearly been continuing to manage all this since their younger child came along.

I would not be happy with this if I were OP as quite honestly it would have impacted whether I wanted to be a SAHM at all. There is a big difference between being able to do whatever you like with your own toddler and having to manage everything that comes with 2 school age children, not to mention with them at different schools. It's a lot to ask.

[quote Rejoiningperson]@tattleandbagels that’s a totally separate issue surely? Isn’t she a stay at home parent for their children in which case no she’s not sponging!

And HIS financial responsibility of HIS children (and their mother’s) should stay that way.[/quote]
of course it's not a separate issue.

Being a mother has never stopped anyone from having a job for a start.

Expecting your partner to reduce hours and be more available for their children but also expecting to pay all the bills is not reasonable.

The children haven't popped out of thin air and come as a complete surprise.

School run, club run and childcare belong to the SAH parent. Fair enough to expect the dad to book a holiday camp though.

honestly it would have impacted whether I wanted to be a SAHM at all.

yes... that's the point!

I can’t imagine this issue affects stepdads very often. This is once again another issue for stepmums to contend with.

@tattleandbagels

honestly it would have impacted whether I wanted to be a SAHM at all.

yes... that's the point!

I don't understand?

I think if OP's DH is now going to start asking that she do things that are substantially different than what was initially agreed when they decided she would be a SAHM then he is well within her rights to say no. Because it isn't what she agreed to at all.

School run, club run and childcare belong to the SAH parent.

I agree...if you are their parent.

*she is well within her rights

I always took the position that I will be as accommodating as possible, but never to assume I would do anything. That meant I would sometimes find my weekends taken up with looking after SD, but it was an absolute No to being the default carer without any notice or being asked first. Similarly, I didn't delegate parenting responsibilities for my eldest onto my youngest's father or her own father's wife; but if they offered or agreed to take her somewhere, I genuinely gratefully accepted.

In the OP's case, if the children's father wishes to get up and make them breakfast and drive them to and from school, that's his choice, not hers. Especially if he's now demanding that a condition of staying home and looking after her child is that she now takes on his responsibilities. He needs to know that he has not got himself an ersatz parent to absolve him of having to care for his own children.

@funinthesun19

I can’t imagine this issue affects stepdads very often. This is once again another issue for stepmums to contend with.

how many stepdads are the SAH parent whilst their new wife is the only earner?

There isn't a yes or no answer.

If I'm the parent, and my partner is a SAHP, it's for us to agree together. Yes I'd hope they'd be willing to help with childcare but ultimately I need to also do my part

If my ex has a partner I expect him to cover his share however he chooses

Is your partner going to pay for everything and this is what he sees as an exchange?

I have 4 children and while they aren't as labour intensive as when they were young, the teenage years involved huge logistics for coaching, matches, training, music lessons, you bloody name it.

Until you have done it, you can't imagine it.

If you take on the care of two children who do as little as those to do, you had better be ready for a real shock.

I certainly wouldn't agree to a blanket yes.

I would be very cagey.

What is the basis of your agreement re you now staying at home?

I have just done nearly 12 months with 4 older children and am totally exhausted from looking after, cooking, and generally being their smiling chirpy champion.....with a few odd moments when I cracked znd went rogue🙄😙

Expecting your partner to reduce hours and be more available for their children but also expecting to pay all the bills is not reasonable.

But OP hasn't asked this, she isn't asking for anything to change.

Yes of course if the step parent has the luxury of being a SAHM because their DP provides financially then damn right they should

Exactly! Op wants everything her own way. She wants her DH to pay for everything so she can be a SAHM, but she doesn't want to do any child care for his children. Not really Team work, is it?

I voted for parents responsibility but this could be negotiated with step parent that they get involved.

Are you financially independent or do you rely on your partners income?

What would happen if you said 'no'? Would it result in extra childcare costs or maintenance payments (if contact drops) and would you therefore need to return to work to top up the family income? And would you be happy to do that?

Op you already have reservations about this (rightly so), so the only thing to do is offer nothing and continue as is. You are sahm to YOUR child. Once you start helping out, you can't really turn back without causing major issues. What is your dh thinking you should do?

You should treat all of the children the same. If you can't do that, then don't marry someone who already has children.

Oh please. And by that reasoning the children should expect to be patented by the Step parent then? I'm sure you would then disagree and jump about having a big say if they tried to parent your child. Step parents expected to do the skivvy work but have zero say on how to parent or discipline a child in their home.

how many stepdads are the SAH parent whilst their new wife is the only earner?

Well yes, exactly.

Op are you already a sahp or are you going to be having the conversation with your DH in the hope that you can be?

The issue sounds like a parenting difference rather than it being about the dsc as such, I think you can agree to being the responsible adult but also make it clear that they will need to be more independent as well

@funinthesun19

how many stepdads are the SAH parent whilst their new wife is the only earner?

Well yes, exactly.

Well there's a few on here but everyone is quick to clarify they're A cheeky fucker cocklodger who hates his first family children and is staying home just to avoid paying for them

@Ozanj

Yes I would expect it if the actual parent was working to faciliate the step-parent staying at home. If they were disabled, on mat leave, or recovering from an illness then I wouldn’t expect it.

Perfect response and on the first reply. Enough said.

Depends on how many kids, if they're difficult, the ages, how they get on with the stepparent - there is no right or wrong answer. DP used to take DSS to his mum's when he was in work in the holidays but when I moved in (I WFH and he was a young teen so didn't really need entertaining as such) he allowed him to stay home as I was in the house. I wouldn't have allowed this if it was a younger child who needed attention throughout the day though.

I think it depends on the finer details, but I voted YANBU because it's definitely the birth parents responsibility not yours. But a reasonable step-parent should help out within reason when they are in their household, e.g. dropping them off at a holiday club, or dad taking a half day annual leave and you keep an eye on them in the morning.

In essence proceed with care OP.

Parenting is largely thankless but if it is a skivvying position, proceed with even greater care.

Are you giving up independence for this "job"?

If so proceed with the greatest of care...you are entering a potentially very difficult scenario.

@1Morewineplease

I'm probably going to inflame some posters, but surely, if you marry/co-habit with someone who is already a parent then your step children need to be factored into the equation ( for want of a better phrase.) It surely can't be right to continue a blended relationship with the attitude of " your kids, your problem."

Completely agree. My mother married my stepdad he treated me as his own from day one, did everything for me and as an adult we are as close as any other daughter and father. My step siblings whilst they where in our home where treated the same way by my mother. I honestly carnt understand how it could work any other way.