If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

I think that unless there's a back story, you should look after DSC the same as your own when they're at yours. Why wouldn't you? I think it's quite cheeky not to if your DH is the only one working. It would be different if you were expected to have them all summer, but would you really expect your DH to pay childcare on his days for them, when he's already financially supporting you to stay at home? Would you refuse to make lunches/iron uniforms etc if they're too young to do it themselves and you're doing it for your own DC? Seems cold & mean to me but I suspect I'm in the minority.
I'm also a step parent.

I don't think its wrong for a stepmum/stepdad to look after their SC as well but it has to be completely their choice with no expectation.

I think what you’re asking in your OP is: should SAHM step mothers be free childcare for the DSCs working mother?

IMO and IME, the answer is a hard no.

No the step parent should not be responsible for the step children in my opinion. Fair enough if they want to do those things but it certainly shouldn’t be expected by them.

If the step child’s father is out working to support the sahp then yes, I think the sahp should help out with all the children when they’re there. That’s balance for that family.
Sahp- does sensible daytime childcare that is helpful for the family unit.
Working parent - works
Evenings and weekends - dad steps up and spends time with his kids

@Ozanj

Yes I would expect it if the actual parent was working to faciliate the step-parent staying at home. If they were disabled, on mat leave, or recovering from an illness then I wouldn’t expect it.

This

I don’t think it should be a given that a stepmum should look after the stepchildren if she is at home to look after her own children (let’s face it this mainly is a woman’s issue so it doesn’t affect stepdads anywhere near as much).

This is an arrangement centred around her responsibilities as a parent towards her own children. It’s with them and their needs in mind and not the stepchildren.
The stepchildren’s mum could always choose to be a SAHM to her children, and then they will also have a parent always available to run around for them.

I'm a SAHP and I will help out with DSS if I'm asked. I supported his remote learning during the first lockdown but his mum did take the piss when she was furloughed and continued to send him to me as she found it too stressful despite him being her only child and me having a toddler and an older child to support at home too. Made me less inclined to help out to be honest

This comes up frequently and when a SM comes on saying she's expected to cover the holidays because she's already at home then the consensus is usually that the parents are CF for expecting it. Particularly when there is an age gap between the children.

I'm a SM but when the DSC were younger I made it clear I wasn't the hired help, they were there to spend time with dad. Of course I'd help out if he had to go into work but I wasn't the default childcare option just because I was on ML.

So I wasn't going to post specifics but it seems people agree that they do matter.

In my situation DC is a toddler, DSC are in school, one secondary the other late primary.

Oh and DSC are here 3 nights a week.

Mum sorts any necessary child related issues on her days, be that paid childcare, grandparents or a new partner helping.

And likewise for Dad on his days.

That's how it should work imo.
In my experience however it's far more likely that NRP (usually dad) says "sorry can't have dc on x day for y reason" leaving Mum to pick up the slack by paying out for more childcare/taking a day off work/whatever rather than their DP who is at home anyway 'helping out.'

Only when DCS is visiting/staying with that SAHSP and their parent. When the child is with the other parent then that parent sorts their own childcare out and leaves the SAHSP out of it.

Probably not really...presumably school runs/holidays etc are covered off already...why does a different sahp become a childminder?

If the financing of say extra children is dependent on losing the childcare costs from existing children then either can't afford sahp or compromise needs to be made ...

But I really don't think the default should be the sahp picks up all the slack... especially if its a pre school child you lose a lot of flexibility

DSC not DCS

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

I would.

In your situation OP I'd be a SAHP for the step children for the 3 nights a week - drop offs, pick ups, holidays etc. I think it would be a good way to try and build a relationship between the siblings. That being said I think you have to judge it for yourself - you know the children, is it likely to work? Do you have a good relationship with them?

If you don't include the SC then I'd worry that they would feel like guests in their own home.

I'm probably going to inflame some posters, but surely, if you marry/co-habit with someone who is already a parent then your step children need to be factored into the equation ( for want of a better phrase.)
It surely can't be right to continue a blended relationship with the attitude of " your kids, your problem."

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

My answer is no.

In my opinion, the reason children are at their parent's home is to be with their parent. If their parent is not there then why are they there? If it's a 50/50 situation then 50/50 clearly isn't suitable if both parents can't accommodate that themselves. It certainly shouldn't fall on a new partner to regularly manage it, regardless of whether they are home with their own children.

My DP wouldn't expect this of me and more to the point, when he has his kids he wants to be around for them. He doesn't take them from their mother only to leave them with me, and tbh their mum would rather do school run etc herself than have me do it instead.

It's up to the two parents to sort all of this out, it's their responsibility. It doesn't fall to the stepmum and it doesn't make her bad if she says no to doing what the 2 parents can't be bothered to do.

@PurfectlyCatish

Oh and DSC are here 3 nights a week.

As above for me, if their dad can't manage the logistics of having them that often then he shouldn't have them that often. He certainly shouldn't be having them that often by using you to do all the work for him, on top of looking after your own child.

Why don't you want to help?

@1Morewineplease

I'm probably going to inflame some posters, but surely, if you marry/co-habit with someone who is already a parent then your step children need to be factored into the equation ( for want of a better phrase.) It surely can't be right to continue a blended relationship with the attitude of " your kids, your problem."

The trouble is that on MN there is the air that step parents (or Step mothers at least), should be "seen but not heard" if you will. They are expected to take on the child but at the same time, not have any say in how that child should behave in the home. If any stepmothers post about issues with their DSC the majority of answers are "well you're not their parent it's not your place to decide how the child should behave, that's the parents job", so yes, it does become "your kids, your problem" for many SP's.

It depends on the relationship. I mean, if it's required for the SAHP to SAH (i.e. they can't afford the childcare/working parent doesn't have time due to work commitments) whilst SC are with them then I don't see what the alternative is?

If bio parent is home and available then yes get off their lazy arse and parent the first family you started.

As a stepparent, you are never in the right.

@1Morewineplease

I'm probably going to inflame some posters, but surely, if you marry/co-habit with someone who is already a parent then your step children need to be factored into the equation ( for want of a better phrase.) It surely can't be right to continue a blended relationship with the attitude of " your kids, your problem."

I absolutely factor my SCs into various equations, I care very much about them.

BUT that doesn't mean that I'm here to take parenting responsibilities away from their actual parents?! Certainly not if my DP isn't even actually going to be here and I'd literally be responsible for everything until he gets home from work. I'd be questioning why 'he's' even having the kids on those days if that was the case.

If I was on maternity leave/SAHM then maybe I would offer to have them the odd day through the holidays, but my DP (and their mum!) would never expect me to do school runs 3 times a week or look after them that often through school holidays. If they have managed it until now, they can manage it going forward.