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Original poster

Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

193 replies

LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 21:57

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me (Hmm)

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 23/05/2021 22:12

There is nothing wrong with you but everything wrong with boyfriend and family for not liking you the way you are and thinking you need to change to be more like them. That’s called being intolerant asshats.
Your boyfriend shouldn’t be embarrassed by you, he should like you for who you are which is a quiet, introverted type of person and should be defending you against his family’s unfair criticism.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2021 22:15

As long as you weren't short or rude you don't have to be life and soul of the party!

mainsfed · 23/05/2021 22:16

You are not compatible, maybe because he sounds like a gaslighter.

Ditch him and find someone who loves you the way you are.

Phineyj · 23/05/2021 22:16

I am an extrovert married to an introvert with a SIL who (although nice enough) barely speaks, and I think your bf is completely unreasonable! Why the expectation that you get on with his sister? You're going out with her brother, not her. I think you can do better than this guy, OP.

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 22:16

@PlanDeRaccordement i can easily socialise in small groups but put me in a large group of people and I become lost.

The thing is around the table, I didn't feel conscious of it until I heard his parents and sister making a comment about how quiet I was which was basically announced to the table.
I told them that i was just feeling a bit tired but that comment then made me fully aware of my lack of ability to socialise which just made my quietness worse.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 23/05/2021 22:16

Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me

If you arent comfortable being more social that's fair enough. If hes not comfortable being with someone who isn't very social that's also fair enough. Maybe you just aren't right for each other.

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 22:18

@Nanny0gg I don't think I was short or rude but his sister has told her family and my boyfriend that I don't like her and i'm genuinely confused because i'm just like this.
And now my boyfriend is arranging a double date with me, his sister, and her boyfriend as he wants us to be friends. (All because I said I don't feel I have much in common with his sister so don't feel a natural click)

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 22:19

@Phineyj I haven't even met her much but when I do, I usually try and make small talk about her job and pets and new home, but was just so exhausted yesterday that I couldn't force myself

OP posts:
Holly60 · 23/05/2021 22:20

There is nothing wrong with you at all. However, I can see it from his point of view too and if having a gf/future wife who can socialise comfortably with his family is important to him, then perhaps you aren’t compatible. I hate to sound harsh but I see so many posts on here from women who dislike socialising with their DHs family and the DRAMA and angst it seems to cause. On the other hand it doesn’t sound like his family are very accepting of how you are. It’s not like you refused to go, and his sister could have just asked you quietly -‘are you ok? Just feeling tired?’ and then left you to
It. Either way though it doesn’t sound like you and he are an easy fit.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 22:20

There is nothing wrong with you at all, i am also quiet (been reminded of it my whole life), not everyone wants to talk to others all the time, is exhausts me too. Your boyfriend should love you for who you are ! x

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2021 22:21

Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.

Fuck that, you need to leave him. He has made it crystal clear that he does not accept you for who you are. There is no where to go from here, you're relationship is doomed.

Find someone who loves you exactly the way you are, because he never will.

mainsfed · 23/05/2021 22:21

Did she not ask you any questions? Or anyone else?

As the majority, they should have tried to make you feel more comfortable.

Holly60 · 23/05/2021 22:23

I’ve got to be honest though - if someone came along to family social and then didn’t chat to me I would definitely thing ‘oh my GAWD she HATES me. What have I done that she hates me so much’ so I can imagine his sister was feeling a bit insecure too Grin

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 22:23

@Holly60 my confusion lies with the fact I do socialise with his family in smaller groups. I have movie nights, takeaways, chats on the sofa with his parents. I get on so well with his younger brother - the three of going shopping, cinema, bowling together. I go visit his stepmum and dad on my own sometimes for a coffee. His six year old niece adores me and I always buy her little gifts when I see her.
Yet i'm apparently embarrassing because I get lost when put in a large group of people.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 23/05/2021 22:23

I wouldn't bother. I'd tell him that you are under no obligation to like or befriend his sister - and to be honest she doesn't sound like she's made any effort with you.

If he can't accept you as you are without trying to force you to be someone else I'd dump him.

If it helps, I've been married over 20 years and I don't much like one of my SILs. We have nothing in common and are stiltedly polite to each other. I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me either. I'd be utterly fucked off at my DH 'arranging dates' to try and make us be friends. I'm happy to make polite small talk at family functions and that's about it.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 22:24

No, you do not need to up your 'social game' that isnt you , be who you are!

Awrite · 23/05/2021 22:25

Your bf sounds like the unreasonable one, not you.

His words will erode your self esteem. You are not a performing monkey.

My dh is an introvert. My family are loud. No-one seeks to change another.

Yummymummy2020 · 23/05/2021 22:25

No it’s not you! I am similar my other half’s family is huge (think at least 15 at Sunday lunch) and I find it quite overwhelming sometimes and retreat into myself a bit. Put me in a small group though and I’m the opposite. I just find big gatherings tough sometimes and like that if I’m tired it’s even harder. I think if he leaves you over this, he is not for you. You don’t have to be a party animal!

k1233 · 23/05/2021 22:25

Trying to be something you are not is not maintainable long term and will be a source of misery for you. He needs to accept who you are otherwise you will both be miserable.

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 22:26

It was more group conversations about covid, childhood memories, talking about people I've never heard of.
I got involved in small ways such as asking his sister about her pets (she loves animals) and the covid discussion and I said the food was good but other than that, I didn't really have much to say.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 23/05/2021 22:27

There’s nothing wrong with you, OP, but you don’t sound compatible with your boyfriend- plus he sounds judgmental and not very nice. I’ve never spoken to my DH like that even though he doesn’t connect especially well with my family and I don’t have a lot in common with some of his siblings. We accept each other for who we are.

I’d dump him, tbh.

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 22:27

@Yummymummy2020 i'm the exact same! Put me in a small group, and I can chat your head off. But groups of people I find overwhelming

OP posts:
Forfolkssake · 23/05/2021 22:27

It can come across as rude and sulky if you are quiet and withdrawn at events. Best not to go if you can't join in. It's exhausting to be the one constantly holding the conversation, just as it's exhausting for you to make the effort. Swings and roundabouts.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 22:27

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Yummymummy2020 i'm the exact same! Put me in a small group, and I can chat your head off. But groups of people I find overwhelming[/quote]
same !

BabyPotato · 23/05/2021 22:28

Oh that sounds horrible. I'm like you OP. Can be chatty with the people I know and in small groups, but I have always been quiet in big groups. I am certainly not the life of the party, unless I get very very drunk and then everyone loves me (Grin), but that's not really a sustainable way to socialise so I just stick to being me.

As long as you're not rude (doesn't sound like you are), then there's nothing wrong with being quiet. It does sound like maybe you're not compatible if you being quiet bothers him so much?