Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

[LaylaMcAdams]

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me ()

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

The thing is whatever occured at this dinner last night his family have read it that the op doesn’t like his sister and that there is actually something wrong with her. She admits She was unsociable., that she can usually make the effort, but was tired and simply didn’t. And he is angry and embarrassed about how she behaved. Clearly it came across as rude and made others uncomfortable to the extent it’s commented on.

She says it was because she was exhausted. If that was rhe case she should have politely declined and let him go himself.

He sounds likes he's being horrible. My DH is quite introverted and I would never try to change him as I love him for who he is, and nor would he try to change me. It sounds to me like you are compromising perfectly well, going for big family meals when it's maybe not your thing. You deserve so much more than to be told you're embarrassing. The SiL sounds very needy to me.

There a mid ground. You don’t need to be full on as the only other option, as some folks are trying to make out. It doesn’t need to be either extreme.
The thing is, “the mid ground” to a painfully shy introvert and a loud, social extrovert is two very different levels. And “just find a mid ground” isn’t something an introvert can just turn on, as much as we would want to (I would fucking love to just get over it and chat believe me!). Over time sometimes it’s easier, especially when you get to know the group individually, you can find more common ground and talking points, but it takes time. I don’t think extroverts think about how absolutely overwhelming and panic inducing situations like this can be; and I totally understand not speaking much can make chatty, loud people uncomfortable but is it hard to have empathy and understanding about it? A lot of introverts would rather be anywhere than at that social event, but we go out of a sense of duty, to not be rude by constantly declining and to show that we DO care about these people, we just struggle in a large group. But it seems some extroverts don’t think that’s enough. I know loads of extroverts who totally get the introverted and painfully shy types and don’t make the type of comments that OPs boyfriends family and some on this thread have made. Those type of comments make everything a million times worse and won’t help the introverted be comfortable enough to even try break out of that shell.

If you are genuinely incapable of any form of interaction past a few words over the course of several hours at a family meal, then I genuinely think it’s best not to attend. Ok, then what happens? Oh Layla never attends our parties she so rude, she never comes over for dinner she’s awful. Introverts can never win when people are like this. Believe me there has been many an occasion I would rather swerve because I absolutely hate the groups and parties and the painful small talk I need to force, but I go out of love for these people to show that I do care and want to be included. Luckily my friends and DPs family understand (and over time I’ve opened up BECAUSE they’ve been understanding and granted me the opportunity to communicate how I feel comfortable doing).

A lot of the time introverts can’t win when people think like this.

Op you aren't the problem here, you are an introverted. There's nothing wrong with that. I am introverted and cam only do these social scenes rarely. I have my close circle and am content with that. The key thing here is that you need to realise that you and your bf are incompatible - it wont last. I dated a few people and it never worked out because that was a big factor. I only realised that later on though. I am now happily married to my introverted dh. Life is easy. We understand each other so well and there is absolutely no pressure whatsoever to be anyone other than our selves. We do have good friends and function perfectly as everyone else but completely on our own understandings. Honestly save yourself a lifetime of problems questioning who you are and find someone you are compatible with.

But she does go in small gatherings, so she would socialise. And she said she can normally make an effort and doesn’t behave like this, but she felt exhausted so was anti social. In that instance she should not have went.

No one is born perfect. We can all benefit from a bit of self-improvement. I'd have thought that at 26 you would have developed a few strategies to help you cope with larger social gatherings - just as an extrovert would have learned to tone his/herself down so as not to annoy people by being OTT.

It's rude to give the impression that you're not enjoying yourself and can't wait to go home. Your attitude seems to be 'this is how I am. I'm not going to make an effort to fit in. I don't care. Get used to it.'

Understandable in a sulky teenager, but time to grow up and perhaps you'll find that you've more in common with other people than you think.

The op also starts off by saying she can’t click with the sister no matter how hard she tries, ans usually she makes an effort but was just too exhausted to last night.

It’s became blindingly clear to his family that she doesn’t like the sister, they have all guessed it correctly. No two ways about it. They all spotted it. And they spotted it correctly. It’s right there in her op.

Even though she’s now saying she is happy to go for a meal with her. She doesn’t like the sister and behaved in such a way last night that they all knew she didn’t like her and he was angry about it. Quite rightly, it is incredibly rude to attend as a guest in this manner and make it blindingly obvious you don’t like one of the family Members.

If you’re too exhausted to make an effort don’t go.

Some people’s personalities just don’t gel. That’s life unfortunately. OP tried as best she could but the conversation faltered. That happens too.

If this criticism has suddenly started after two years, I suspect he wants out and is looking for reasons to finish the relationship instead of being transparent. You’re obviously not compatible. I’d cut my losses if it were me.

Nothing wrong with you at all. I think you’re perhaps not the best matched and it might be time to call it a day. I’m an introvert too so also find social occasions exhausting and it’s common to find large groups particularly difficult.

It sounds like that family would like to have a big red Graham Norton chair to test out newcomers to see if they are capable of amusing with anecdotes, otherwise .... flip and no need to provide houseroom and sustenance for them.

But what a utilitarian view to take of other people!

There's nothing wrong with being introverted, firstly!

Having said that, I have experienced this from both sides.

My ex was very, very quiet with my family, and it made everyone worry that he was not having a good time or didn't like them. That made gatherings feel quite awkward for me because I always felt I had to monitor the situation and make sure he was included - it was a bit exhausting. Even with his own family I was the one making conversation and trying to get him out of his shell.

I've also had it where I have been the quiet one, sat there worrying about what people think of me at the same time as having very little to say, because I'm just in a quiet mood or not feeling it or whatever.

I don't have much advice, but I understand it from both of your perspectives I think.

I think your boyfriend is being a bit harsh on you and could be a bit more supportive. Is there a way that you could maybe spend some one-on-one time with some of his family members, in a setting where you might feel more comfortable? Then you can make it clear that you like them but are just not an extroverted person?

@Blossomtoes

**If this criticism has suddenly started after two years, I suspect he wants out and is looking for reasons to finish the relationship instead of being transparent. You’re obviously not compatible. I’d cut my losses if it were me.

This was my first impression too. If this is out of the blue, I would say that he might be starting to lose feelings for you so minor irritations start to creep in.

Re-reading your post, I'm wondering whether you do actually dislike his sister?

If you don't like her and don't click with her, that's OK. We can't all click with everyone. It's probably easier to just be honest with your boyfriend about that if you simply don't gel with her for whatever reason.

Problem is the boyfriend sounds like he won’t hear of his sister and girlfriend not getting on. So he’s going to force them together on a foursome date and make them find some common ground to bond over. In my loooong experience of being alive as a woman in this world I wish him the best of luck with that endeavour 😂

Like other pps I’ve been on both sides of this. I’m very introverted and understand completely how you felt. I would loathe the evening, though would make an effort.
BUT it also would annoy me if a guest just sat there and said nothing.
You may just be incompatible with this person.

I'd ask if you were going out with my partner's brother, but he's an only child...

His family - particularly FIL - are exactly the same. FIL is one of 13 children, so there is a lot of extended family. When they have get togethers it's all very loud and boisterous. My whole family consists of 4 people - myself, my two brothers and my mother. My mother and father went NC with their families when I was a child so no relationships there. My mother and younger brother live on the other side of the world, and I've not had any contact with my older brother in 19 years...so essentially I'm on my own.

Add in that I'm half deaf, and loud get togethers aren't exactly my favourite thing. Like previous posters, I do best socially in small groups, where I can actually hear what is being said to me. My partner's family have never been that friendly...I once spent a 3 day weekend with his extended family and they never asked me a single question about myself, my family or my life...and FIL then had the cheek to bollock my partner afterwards saying I hadn't made enough of an effort! I was 42 at the time!

I've been married before and I got on very well with both my ILs and the extended family on both sides. They always made me feel welcome and included. To this day I still miss my late MIL. I'm still on very good terms with my ex H, and I know that I've not changed the way I interact with people. Luckily my partner knows that it is his father and his family that are the unreasonable ones.

If your partner doesn't appreciate the effort you've made, I'd dump him.

He sounds awful. There's nothing wrong with being quiet.

Personally i have to say anyone who sits there with a face like a slapped arse in silence throughout a dinner would not get another invite. When I’m super tired, it’s a double espresso and some sugar for me. I wouldn’t have guests, friends or a partner like that. It’s not about having to be actively sociable, just not noticeably disengaged. Again it’s not even that you have to say much, it’s about “active listening”, making small talk with whoever is next to you, ensuring nobody so left isolated in silence.

However it’s been 2 years so how has this not come up before as an issue? You sound totally incompatible. Being willing and able to join with his family for a meal without creating an issue is not an unrealistic expectation, but if that’s not you then it’s not you. And that’s fine, but you need to find someone who also wants to avoid social situations.

This will only get worse—regular family meals, weddings, Christmases, events, I’m amazed you’ve made it this far as a couple.

@Flowers500 I get the impression - could be wrong - that this is the 1st time that the OP hasn't forced herself to be chatty with the sister. I don't think she spent the whole evening sat there in dead silence, she did contribute to the conversations, but not as much as usual. Everyone is entitled to have a 'off' night without it being inflated to 'you hate my sister, I can't take you anywhere, you anti-social bitch'

He's 'on his final straw' Fuck him, be the one who breaks it.

People like this are notorious for thinking everyone should be like them and generally intolerant of introverted/shy/reserved personality types and make a big deal of them as being rude because they can't see beyond their own experiences. There's nothing wrong with you, I'm sorry you feel like this - I can seriously recommend Annie Ridout's new book Shy which talks about turning intoversion/shyness into a strength and something to be proud of

It's clearly the group who know each other's responsibility to read the room, and try and create the group energy to make the relative newcomer feel welcome. And if they want to be quiet or don't have much to say that's fine, it's not something to get funny about.

He doesn't sound like a keeper, OP.

I know someone who comes to social gatherings who is just so introverted and quiet they literally don't talk unless asked something directly. Everyone just accepts that's how she is and she doesn't hate us, in fact making the effort to come shows she doesn't. It's just her personality and if her dh loves her and knows her deeper that's all that matters.

Even though she’s now saying she is happy to go for a meal with her. She doesn’t like the sister and behaved in such a way last night that they all knew she didn’t like her and he was angry about it. Quite rightly, it is incredibly rude to attend as a guest in this manner and make it blindingly obvious you don’t like one of the family Members

Nonsense. It's also ok not to like people, and for them not to like you. Not everyone will like each other in life (particularly potential in-laws), and sometimes for totally irrational reasons or you don't know why it is. OK, it doesn't mean you start a fight with them but it's perfectly ok not to be chatty with one another. Playing the "please like me" game is just being a professional people pleaser, and ironically, it make you really unlikeable.

My dad never liked my mum's brother and it was mutual. They didn't get into any fights or arguments about it but just chose not to spend time together! This is normal, they were just very different people. My mum and dad were very happily married for over 50 years, until my dad died.

Also my dad didn't really like social events that much. Sometimes he didn't go at all, and quite often he was there but pretty quiet. Occasionally when he knew nearly everyone well he might be chatty. It just wasn't him and everyone was ok with that.