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Original poster

Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

193 replies

LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 21:57

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me (Hmm)

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

OP posts:
bananaboats · 24/05/2021 14:30

Agree with the others saying your just not compatible I think you both need to be with someone more on your wavelength. I'd be embarrassed too if I took my partner to something and he wasn't interacting with people to the degree they actually commented on it as I do think it's rude. Fair enough not everyone is that sociable but there's nothing worse than being stuck next to someone at a social occasion who's like pulling teeth to get a convo out of.

EverdeRose · 24/05/2021 15:22

I can see both points.
While I love my introverted husband to death, I used to find it exhausting going to family events with him as people thought he didn't like anyone.

Hes loads better now, but half my family thought he was bloody awful when we'd been together a year.

DreamingNow · 24/05/2021 16:01

@Mojoj

Bin him and find someone more like you.
Bin him and find someone more respectful

Corrected that for you.

Holly60 · 24/05/2021 16:34

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion you mention you have three DC. A genuine question - will it bother you in years to come if one of them gets married and their DP decides to keep you and your other DC ‘at arms length’? I have two adult DC and their relationship with each other and their DPs is one of the joys of my life. Will it really not bother you if one of your kids gets married to someone who doesn’t care for the rest of your family and makes it obvious??

HarebrightCedarmoon · 24/05/2021 16:39

Will it really not bother you if one of your kids gets married to someone who doesn’t care for the rest of your family and makes it obvious??

And how does anyone possibly control that? DC will make their own choices, and yes, they might marry someone who doesn't like you or another family member.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 24/05/2021 16:41

And I also wouldn't be such a fucking loon that I would be discussing my potential future daughter in law in front of her in her hearing at the table, or imagine that her being a bit quiet that evening means she hates us. Fucking nuts. Hey boyfriend's family sound appalling, I don't like the sound of them either!

HarebrightCedarmoon · 24/05/2021 16:48

The OP hasn't said she doesn't like the sister, she says she doesn't have a lot in common with her.

Plus, I repeat, you don't have to like everyone, nor expect them to like you.

I mean, sister could be a Tory or something.

They all sat round talking about people the OP doesn't know and making family in jokes and the OP was supposed to join in with that? I think the most socially adept extrovert would struggle with that bunch of rude feckers. Ugh, I hate that sort of group myself. So, so rude.

TrojaninTroy · 24/05/2021 16:49

You sound so like me, OP, except for the fact that all my life long I have taken such criticism to heart and become my own worst critic just for being me. The me who can socialise one to one in small groups but extremely rarely in larger crowds. It's not a matter of not wanting to socialise in larger groups. I just flounder. But if I was ever to give anyone like myself advice, it would be in the voice of the therapist who asked me:

Would you tell your own child - or your own inner child - '"You're no good" over and over?

No, you wouldn't because that would be emotional abuse. So please don't let your boyfriend or his family do this to you, because you are fine as you are. It is they who need to adjust to you, not the other way on.

PuppyMonkey · 24/05/2021 16:57

Tell him you weren’t being quiet, you just couldn’t get a word in edgeways with his loudmouth family.Grin

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/05/2021 17:00

@Holly60, I don't make it obvious at all. I'm very friendly, and accommodating. I just wasn't interested in having a really close relationship with them (there are reasons why). I never syop DP seeing them, or taking the kids to see them, and usually I will go to. Funny thing is he really doesn't put in much effort to see them. Also, they make no effort to actually visit us. We live 6 miles away and in 10 years I could count on my hands how many times they have come to visit us. Also one of the reasons I decided I wasn't prepared to put in too much effort.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/05/2021 17:09

And actually no, I don't think it will bother me if I still have a relationship with my own dc and any dgc they may have. I wouldn't expect their partners to want to be best friends with me or their siblings.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2021 17:20

@HarebrightCedarmoon

The OP hasn't said she doesn't like the sister, she says she doesn't have a lot in common with her.

Plus, I repeat, you don't have to like everyone, nor expect them to like you.

I mean, sister could be a Tory or something.

They all sat round talking about people the OP doesn't know and making family in jokes and the OP was supposed to join in with that? I think the most socially adept extrovert would struggle with that bunch of rude feckers. Ugh, I hate that sort of group myself. So, so rude.

Oh cmon she clearly doesn’t like her. She said no matter how she tries she can’t click with her. She doesn’t have to like her and you don’t need to pretend she does.
SallyCinnabon · 24/05/2021 17:39

DH always looks bored and as if he dislikes everyone.

🤣 That’s me! I affected the resting bitch face after too many weird public transport encounters, now it’s just become my natural face 🤭

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 17:43

@Bluntness100 oh my goodness, you seem more passionate about this thread than me. Are you one of my boyfriend's family members or something? Hahaha

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 17:46

@HarebrightCedarmoon you're completely right, I don't hate his sister hahaha, don't understand where one person on this thread is getting it from;
I don't sit on the table thinking about how much I hate her and start arguments with her, just don't have much in common with her

OP posts:
Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 17:47

@SallyCinnabon my face is naturally moody too hahaha All my family have quite moody faces actually hahah

OP posts:
SallyCinnabon · 24/05/2021 17:49

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@SallyCinnabon my face is naturally moody too hahaha All my family have quite moody faces actually hahah[/quote]
Grin I learnt to do it as a sort of self defence as I obviously looked too approachable and that I wanted to talk to random s (I don’t) so now book, headphones and RBF and no one speaks to me 🤣

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 17:51

@Bluntness100 I think you missed the part in which I said I did engage in conversation about her pets and covid etc.
But go keep making up your own narrative, love.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:00

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Will it really not bother you if one of your kids gets married to someone who doesn’t care for the rest of your family and makes it obvious??

And how does anyone possibly control that? DC will make their own choices, and yes, they might marry someone who doesn't like you or another family member.

No I agree you can’t control it but I like to think we modelled strong family relationships and so the kids chose partners who fitted in well with our strong family unit. If me or my DH had demonstrated to our kids that it’s ok to freeze out certain members of the family we might have ended being frozen out ourselves and our DCs might have thought ‘ah well that’s just what happens in families’. Whereas I know they would think that it odd to be married to people who didn’t really like their nearest and dearest. I know for a fact my DD actively had it on her list that her future partner had to like her family and I’m sure my DS had the same although he didn’t tell me in quite the same blunt manner Grin
Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:03

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

And actually no, I don't think it will bother me if I still have a relationship with my own dc and any dgc they may have. I wouldn't expect their partners to want to be best friends with me or their siblings.
But this means that your DC might end up spending less time with you because their partner is less keen on it. Your DC: ‘Do you want to go over to mum and dad’s on Saturday?’ Partner: ‘Oh no, Let’s just go out with the DC instead’
Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:06

But this was so important to me I spent my kids childhoods being as equally complementary about their dads parents as my own as I was so aware I would one day be ‘the inlaws’ for my DSIL and DDIL

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 19:07

@Holly60 my parents also modelled strong family relationships and I have strong bonds with my family, we just don't have huge regular get togethers.

I don't remember mentioning anywhere that I don't like my nearest and dearest Confused

Goodness me, you make it sound like introverts just hate everyone including their own families, glad I don't have your mindset.

Also luckily I wasn't planning to be your daughter"s future partner either Grin

OP posts:
Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:07

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

And actually no, I don't think it will bother me if I still have a relationship with my own dc and any dgc they may have. I wouldn't expect their partners to want to be best friends with me or their siblings.
But also to be fair to you, you did say there are reasons for your distance and of course that is totally fair enough. If they are not very nice of course you don’t want to spend lots of time with them or get too close- also think that is very reasonable
Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:09

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Holly60 my parents also modelled strong family relationships and I have strong bonds with my family, we just don't have huge regular get togethers.

I don't remember mentioning anywhere that I don't like my nearest and dearest Confused

Goodness me, you make it sound like introverts just hate everyone including their own families, glad I don't have your mindset.

Also luckily I wasn't planning to be your daughter"s future partner either Grin[/quote]
Sorry that’s not what I meant at all. Got a bit side tracked. Also my DD ended up being into men but if she had been into women and had chosen you, I’m sure we would all have loved you and made you very welcome

Original poster
LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 19:09

@Holly60 and I like my boyfriend's parents and when we have kids, they will see his parents just as much.
Who would've thought that being quiet in a meal would = can't form bonds with any people

OP posts: