Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

[LaylaMcAdams]

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me ()

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

I had similar with my ex husband's family. They had a massive issue with me not being loud and over the top socially. My ex wasn't as much of a dick as your partner seems to be but it did cause strain.

My current DP is like me and it's so much easier. We don't have any family social gatherings at all so there's no stress.
My ex has also met someone just like himself so his new partner has been welcomed with open arms into the family who were very vocal about me being a weirdo and a bitch.

If I’m tired and have a meal I can’t miss, then I think of at least one thing before I go (tv, movies, books etc) that I can talk about - which helps with brain freeze - and ride on the back of conversation of the more lively people (active listening- “oh no, what happened next” etc).

It sounds v silly but allows me to participate in a low energy way when I’m drained. I’ve definitely had meals before when I was drained and just sat silently, head down, which I think was rude and I want to avoid that again. Plus I always comfort myself with the knowledge that the lively people need an audience which I am happy to provide.

You’re not compatible. Nothing wrong with either of you, you just need different things from the relationship.

It's also ok not to like people, and for them not to like you

Sure. But it’s absolutely not ok to go to their family home and make it obvious to them and their family you dislike them. In that instance you make your apologies and don’t go. It’s beyond rude to go to a family meal and make it clear to everyone you dislike a member of the family. And she made it clear, they all knew it by the end.

I've had meals when I fell asleep mid-conversation after a couple of glasses of wine. Being in company and sitting down having food and alcohol of an evening makes me relaxed and sleepy. I'm better at daytime events but not good at evenings, unless there is dancing and music, I can happily dance for hours. These days I excuse myself early if possible, at some point my bed becomes far more attractive than further conversation. I like talking to people but after a bit I've had enough, and I don't know how people enjoy it so much and go on to the early hours.

Not being chatty is not "Making it clear you don't like someone." HTFH.

This sounds very similar to an experience I had with a friend in my twenties. Best advice I can give is accept you are incompatible. It's not that extroverts can't be ina relationship with introverts. They an. But they need to be able to understand the difference between how he feels in certain situations and how you do. If he doesn't have the care or empathy to understand you, then he's not a long term prospect. It will just keep being all about you and you needing to change. To the detriment of your wellbeing.

I was recently on a course with someone who was a compulsive talker and taking over every situation. They could not sit still and quiet for long, were not listening and could not let anyone else hold forth for long without talking over them. That is much worse than people being quiet, the noisy person takes all the energy from everyone else. The tutor ended up telling them to basically shut the fuck up to let other people speak.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

I was recently on a course with someone who was a compulsive talker and taking over every situation. They could not sit still and quiet for long, were not listening and could not let anyone else hold forth for long without talking over them. That is much worse than people being quiet, the noisy person takes all the energy from everyone else. The tutor ended up telling them to basically shut the fuck up to let other people speak.

That's a different situation but I think in all cases you need a balance, so not totally silent people and not extremely loud ones either. Sessions where most people are quiet can be dull too as it's left to a couple of people to interact with trainer.

@HarebrightCedarmoon Amen to both your posts!

If you have socialised previously and been fine, but felt out of sorts yesterday, it must have showed for people to comment on it. I guess the only thing you can do is stay home if you are feeling really tired and unsociable.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to have a calm discussion about both of your expectations when meeting up with other people.

DH doesn't like large crowds either, but is fine in small gatherings.

He has declined a family wedding invitation from his cousin because he just doesn't want to go. DD and I wanted to go, but I'm not sure of the logistics re accommodation as everything is just so uncertain right now. If we go we will be asked why DH isn't there, and I won't know what to say. I can't tell the truth so I will have to make something up.

I just want my boyfriend to understand me and stick up for me

This is the issue isn’t it?
Instead of wondering if he will leave because you are quiet, maybe ask yourself if you want to stay with someone who can’t accept you like you are.

FWIW ive had many meals where people are talking about events/family members I didn’t know. I don’t have anything to say in those situations either. And I’m not shy or quiet!

"But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.

He said last night he's on his final straw"

End it first. You'll feel better if you are the one to end it and its not going anywhere. Making threats to end the relationship unless you change who you fundamentally are, is ridiculous.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Not being chatty is not "Making it clear you don't like someone." HTFH.

Yep.

That’s a very screwed logic

You are not compatible. He doesn’t like the way you are and you don’t like socialising the way he wants.

No couple should argue about whether one of them should be someone they aren’t. That’s the signal that you aren’t right together and are just clinging to a relationship for the sake of it.

I don’t get the general expectations here. A person can behave any way they want in company (legally that is). They don’t have to live up to social expectations of wit, chattiness and verbosity. If that company dislikes the behaviour then they can chose to dissociate from the person.

That being said family and friends quite often do have to bear the agony of a relative’s poor choice of partner.

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@HalzTangz I completely disagree. In the same way that I know not everybody has the same levels of social skills, I respect that some people are naturally loud and some are naturally quiet?
So naturally quiet people should just stay at home.and not bother to go for a meal or drinks with people because they might intrude on everyone's fun by being quiet?

It's not that I don't like seeing his family or I am forced to attend these events, I look forward to these meals and get togethers but sometimes my mind goes into freeze mode and I get a bit overwhelmed and burnt out from socialising, especially during get togethers which are hours long.

But by your logic, I should just not bother going at all to these events which would be even ruder than me just being a bit quiet.

My boyfriend had the same sarcy remark of "just don't bother coming" and to me avoiding things, doesn't solve anything;

And i've said.i'm happy to meet up with his sister and her boyfriend. Like I said, I don't avoid social situations.
I see his brother and rest of the family more than his sister because she lives a bit further away[/quote]
If you aren’t going to accept that you’re incompatible and leave, then you have to make more of an effort. II’m an introvert too but I don’t sit silently at family events and behave like you did - I make an effort to be sociable and then recover when I get home. It’s unacceptable for people to be themselves 100% in all settings - otherwise we’d be a lawless society full of arrogant, rude twits.

My husband is even more of an introvert than I am, so he usually makes rounds of the room on a 1-2-1 basis so he can talk to everyone before occupying himself with the kids.

It's not your relationship with his sister that's the problem. It's his inability to accept an aspect if your personality. So you don't really suit each other, and you should not even consider trying to bend yourself out of shape to please him. Ditch him and find someone who's a better fit.

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Not being chatty is not "Making it clear you don't like someone." HTFH.

Exactly. But in the ops own words they all now think she hates his sister. And she herself basically admits she dislikes her right there in the op. So she was more than just not chatty, because how else did everyone come to the conclusion she hates the sister.

Just not being chatty isn’t making it clear you don’t like someone. You have to be doing way more than that to make it clear. And she made it abundantly clear. Becayse they all now know. So whatever the op was doing it was way more than just not being chatty and has led to this massive argument.

I’d also say if my husband in the first couple of years had come to a family meal with me , didn’t make any effort, and made it so clear he just randomly disliked a member of my family, that everyone correctly identified it snd commented on it I would have been beyond furious at the rudeness. Just as I’d have been if they’d done it to him.

And yes, we too would have had a major argument about it. This isn’t the op likes rhe sister and is just introverted, this is she dislikes rhe sister and behaved in such a way as to make everyone present aware of the fact and start to question what the hell was wrong with her.

Why should he defend that? I wouldn’t.

You just sounds incompatible. You see socialising as putting on a show for instance and it really doesn't need to be. I think honestly it's down to compatibility and there isn't an easy answer for this other than finding someone who will like you for who you are and will enjoy a similar level of interaction. Nothing wrong with your boyfriend wanting someone a bit more sociable and nothing wrong with you not wanting to be someone who you are not!

I think you should reconsider your relationship as this won’t change.

I’m in the same position as you with my in-laws. Same issues - socialising over dinner etc and because I’m not the life and soul they think I don’t like them.

Over over a decade of this, there was a huge falling out. This will be you!

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Holly60 my confusion lies with the fact I do socialise with his family in smaller groups. I have movie nights, takeaways, chats on the sofa with his parents. I get on so well with his younger brother - the three of going shopping, cinema, bowling together. I go visit his stepmum and dad on my own sometimes for a coffee. His six year old niece adores me and I always buy her little gifts when I see her.
Yet i'm apparently embarrassing because I get lost when put in a large group of people.[/quote]
This is way more than I would do with dps family and we've been together 10 years and have 3 kids.
I don't have much in common with his sisters. Infact I have purposely kept them at arms length. At the beginning I think there was a sort of expectation that we would form a relationship but I didn't really want to. DP knows what I'm like and he has never tried to force it. If he did I would tell him where to go.

because I’m not the life and soul they think I don’t like them

But she doesn’t like the sister. It’s very different. If she liked her or just didn’t know her and hadn’t formed an opinion, it would be different, but she doesn’t like her, and however she behaved she made it very clear during the evening.

Bin him and find someone more like you.

Sounds like this relationship isn't going to go the distance. Better you both find people you are more compatible with.