Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

[LaylaMcAdams]

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me ()

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

Well he would hate me because I’m so introverted I wouldn’t have even gone....!

He’s being an arse.

I actually love the fact my dh is no contact with his whole family because I can’t stand having to be social - I have dh and my dc and one best friend and that’s that.

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Holly60 my confusion lies with the fact I do socialise with his family in smaller groups. I have movie nights, takeaways, chats on the sofa with his parents. I get on so well with his younger brother - the three of going shopping, cinema, bowling together. I go visit his stepmum and dad on my own sometimes for a coffee. His six year old niece adores me and I always buy her little gifts when I see her.
Yet i'm apparently embarrassing because I get lost when put in a large group of people.[/quote]

Maybe you could have a chat with his family in smaller groups and explain why you were quiet. Explain how larger groups of people make you feel. See if they will cut you some slack once they properly understand

If you're normally chatty and were quiet once or twice, they might think you're moody or stroppy.

Give them the opportunity to know you

@Forfolkssake but that's where my problem lies - why should I have to miss events because I'm not the life of the party or most social? Why should I feel pressured to talk every minute of a 3 hour meal around a table? Because extroverts might see me as a nuisance? Rude?

Part of being good at the social game, in my opinion, is being gently encouraging and tolerant of others who are different to you, putting them at their ease and not having rigid expectations of them, particularly in a gathering in which they might be viewed as an outsider and you are not.

From that perspective, I think your boyfriend and his sister are the ones who could do with upping their social game!

@MiaRoma but to me that comes across as like a 'naughty child' explaining why they behaved they did.
I wasn't in a mood nor sulking, I just didn't have much to say.
I don't care if his sister thinks i'm an evil witch, I just want my boyfriend to understand me and stick up for me

I’d call him and say he’s absolutely right, it’s the final straw and you’re breaking up...you with him, not vice versa. You can’t stand being with someone who can’t accept you for who you are.
You haven’t done anything wrong, OP, you were very tired and quieter than usual. A caring partner would’ve asked whether you were Ok, not berated you!

Wow he sounds like a dick. I am very social, I realised a few years ago that I make friends easily, People like me, I worked in a high level client building job and was good at it. But sometimes I revert to the slightly shy child I was or let others carry the conversation and be the centre of attention. I went back to the pub this week and just sat silently and people watched. We are all different and can be different day by day

He is BVU.

everyone has met quiet people it's hardly like the concept can be alien to them!

Also other people's families can be difficult as they have so much history etc.

If someone is quiet let them be! How odd.

If anyone says you're a bit quiet just say yeah I'm a bit tired.

Your DH should not be going on about this he's out of line. Threatening to dump you? He sounds horrible. You've been together 2 years he knows what you're like fgs

He really needs to learn that people have different levels of introversion and extroversion and not every social event needs to be filled with constant chatter and hilarity from everyone present. He’s a knob for saying he was embarrassed by you. Since when is being quiet the same as being rude?!

This sounds mad, how does your boyfriend of 2 years not know that you are naturally quiet? It would be me reconsidering whether I wanted to stay in a relationship where you are made to feel like there’s something wrong with you.

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Forfolkssake but that's where my problem lies - why should I have to miss events because I'm not the life of the party or most social? Why should I feel pressured to talk every minute of a 3 hour meal around a table? Because extroverts might see me as a nuisance? Rude?[/quote]
But equally why should others be at a party where there's one person doing the silent treatment.

If you want to attend events with people that aren't introverts then yes it's up to you to be more sociable.

But I agree with another poster, tell others when you meet in smaller groups how you are in large groups and see if they cut you some slack.

Are you against double dating with his sister? Only asking as you mention you have some sort of friendship with all the family members in smaller groups, but you mention no relationship with her. If you aren't meeting her like to meet the rest of the family, then maybe she does genuinely think you don't like her, and your lack of conversation at the last gathering maybe confirmed that for her?

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@MiaRoma but to me that comes across as like a 'naughty child' explaining why they behaved they did.
I wasn't in a mood nor sulking, I just didn't have much to say.
I don't care if his sister thinks i'm an evil witch, I just want my boyfriend to understand me and stick up for me[/quote]

Yes I see what you mean. Its difficult isn't it?

Your boyfriend doesn't accept you for who you are, though, and he seems concerned about his family's opinion of you. If they were accepting of your quietness would he feel better about it?

I do understand that none of this is ideal.

It would be much better if he was loyal to you from the get go

But equally why should others be at a party where there's one person doing the silent treatment

Silent treatment is someone deliberately ignoring someone else, usually as a form of punishment.

That obviously wasn't the case here. OP is naturally reserved in large groups which isn't a crime and shouldn't be a problem. The problem is her bf and family think everyone should be like them apparently.

If I were the OP I'd be kissing this relationship goodbye and looking for a more grown up one. She can do better than stay with someone so immature.

@HalzTangz I completely disagree. In the same way that I know not everybody has the same levels of social skills, I respect that some people are naturally loud and some are naturally quiet?
So naturally quiet people should just stay at home.and not bother to go for a meal or drinks with people because they might intrude on everyone's fun by being quiet?

It's not that I don't like seeing his family or I am forced to attend these events, I look forward to these meals and get togethers but sometimes my mind goes into freeze mode and I get a bit overwhelmed and burnt out from socialising, especially during get togethers which are hours long.

But by your logic, I should just not bother going at all to these events which would be even ruder than me just being a bit quiet.

My boyfriend had the same sarcy remark of "just don't bother coming" and to me avoiding things, doesn't solve anything;

And i've said.i'm happy to meet up with his sister and her boyfriend. Like I said, I don't avoid social situations.
I see his brother and rest of the family more than his sister because she lives a bit further away

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@PlanDeRaccordement i can easily socialise in small groups but put me in a large group of people and I become lost.

The thing is around the table, I didn't feel conscious of it until I heard his parents and sister making a comment about how quiet I was which was basically announced to the table.
I told them that i was just feeling a bit tired but that comment then made me fully aware of my lack of ability to socialise which just made my quietness worse.[/quote]
Why do loud people always have to comment on how quiet some people are. No one ever asks people why they are loud and annoying. Perhaps we should. “You’re so quiet, is everything ok?” “and you’re loud Dianne, are you ok?” 🤭

I can be the sage as you, op, depending on how I feel that day. I can be fairly chatty and confident, but also a bit lost in big groups, especially with lots of extroverts, I sort of disappear or don’t know what to say. I take everyone for the way they are, overly extrovert people are irritating to me at times, but I accept them and would never say anything to them.
Your boyfriend should have been checking how you are.

I agree with all the posters on your side - you are not being unreasonable at all. I'm the same in large groups, and it would be especially hard in a tight family group where I think it would be for them to make the effort to make the newcomer welcome and put them at ease, not for the newcomer to do all the trying to break in to the inner circle.

It was vey rude of the family members who whispered about you being very quiet. Very bad manners indeed, and terribly thoughtless and unkind.

I didn't read every word of every post but I didn't read anything about your boyfriend's sister (or any of his family) making an effort to make you feel welcomed and comfortably at home. Not a word.

Your boyfriend should not be blaming you for this. There's nothing wrong with you but please do consider your future very carefully.

Honestly I'd be thinking hard about if you want to continue this relationship.
If someone who've you've been with for two years doesn't know you/accept you for who you are when will he?
I have a large loud family and neither I or any of my siblings are with introverts but even so if we are all together sometimes the "in-laws" can get a bit overwhelmed.
We have manners though and don't draw negative attention to someone's quietness or pass comment if a couple go home earlier than they usually would.
We also know the onus is on us as the "core" group to make conversation with newer partners or friends and not to do too much talking about people or events they don't know or care about.
You sound socially fine to me, I'm a talker and often banked on to be the social glue for people but even I need a quiet day sometimes.
Stop thinking about if he can "put-up" with your not entertaining the table at dinner and think about if you want to be with someone who throws tantrums instead of just reassuring his family your fine, you do like his sister your just quiet.

My dh is the naturally quiet one. He sits and drinks it all in, talking when necessary. A few pints in and he's the life and soul.
He doesn't drink much now as he's usually on call. I've had a couple of people say to me that he's boring and ask why I'm with him. They get flamed and I don't make any effort to see them again.
If your partner's family are too shallow to accept you, sod them. I'm afraid that goes double for your partner. He should show more loyalty and understanding.

I'm going to say this from the perspective of someone who has a very introverted DH. It can be awkward in social situations. I would never leave my DH over it - I love him for who it is but sometimes his shyness/introverted personality comes across as rude and he gives off the vibe of not wanting to be there. We've talked about it a lot over the years and my family and friends know him pretty well now and aren't offended but I can be very hard because that shyness can come across as stand-offish even when it's not meant to be.
You shouldn't feel like you have to change or he will leave you though. How often do you have to socialise with his family and sister?

My grandson is courting a girl who sounds just like you. I have known her and her family for 10 years (they have been in school together since age 8). She is sweet, but so quiet and shy. She doesn't start a conversation or enter a conversation unless she is asked a direct question. I like her and a I like her family but she is hard work sometimes.
My grandson complained to me about it when they went to a friend's wedding--she wanted them to leave before the dinner reception because she didn't know anyone else at the table. I told him if he wanted to marry her to get used to it. If he couldn't to break it off now. Marriage wasn't going to change her. She is the way she is and he has to accept that.

If I had to sit through a social dinner next to someone who is too tired to make small talk with me...well, I'd also think that person hates me. And If my boyfriend came to a family event and didn't bother to make conversation with people, I'd feel let down and embarrassed by them.

Being quiet and withdrawn at an event, especially your partner's family, can look like you hate being there and you probably looked very stand off-ish. If you're too tired, don't go. If you think making small talk to your partner's family is too much effort, you should break up because this will cause a lot of resentment on both sides.

There’s nothing wrong with you, but it does sound like you might be incompatible. But it’s strange this hasn’t come up before.

Personally I couldn’t date an introvert. However I wouldn’t then date an introvert and get angry down the line for who they are!

You poor thing! I can't get over that your boyfriend said he found you embarrassing as you didn't speak much. Now I can understand if you'd got drunk, insulted people and threw up in the hallway that he'd be embarrassed but not because you were a bit quiet and reserved. I'd find the idea that he'd been secretly seething about it without telling you also rather off as what else isn't he telling you? It's like a man I went out with who blathered on about brown eyes being more attractive. I have blue eyes. I should have given him his marching orders then and there. I suggest you be wiser than me and dump him right away. I don't think he is either understanding or loyal to you.

As for his family's social skills, who talks about somebody being quiet in their presence. It is hardly likely to make them more chatty. It doesn't sound like you were drawn into the conversation. Also, I can't understand why his family thinks you hate his sister because you were quiet or why it would matter if you did. I mean it's not like you'd hate her on first meeting is it? Part of being an adult is also recognising that not everybody likes you.

So if you are an introvert/quiet/lack confidence/self conscious etc its best not to go anywhere? What a ridiculous thing to say!