Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

193 replies

LaylaMcAdams · 23/05/2021 21:57

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me ()

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 24/05/2021 19:09

How big are these large family gatherings?

Original poster

LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 19:11

@Holly60 sorry i probably took it the wrong way. Just hate this anti-introvert mindset some people have such as "introverts shouldn't bother attending"

Apologises for misunderstanding

OP posts:

Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:12

It was more about my DCs partners being able to form strong bonds with us, but I don’t mean that they would have been expected to be the life and soul of the party at all. It was just important to us all that they like us IYSWIM

Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:13

It actually sounds like you were lovely and they expected you to act in a certain way and not like yourself. You should always be allowed to be yourself and be loved for it

Echobelly · 24/05/2021 19:15

I have some sympathy OP.

I'm not massively socially skilled and though I like company, I do tend to be either quiet or else telling everyone my life story. I made an awful first impression on my in-laws, though they'd come round to me by the time DH and I got engaged!

Early in our relationship (when I think he had much more of his mother's 'status anxiety') DH did occasionally say to me at events that I was being 'too shy' - on at least one of those I told him actually I thought I was doing quite well, thanks. I knew he was brought up in a family where 'shyness' was seen as a terrible sin and the worst thing ever (odd, as his dad is quite shy and awkward) so I shrugged it off, and, as I said, he got over being worried about it. I do accept that some people can see shyness as being rude or stand offish, though I mostly think that's their problem and most people can read if someone's just a bit tired/not good at groups.

So no, OP, there is nothing wrong with you - but sounds like the family have judgy-pants on and have jumped unfairly to the most negative conclusion about you.

Holly60 · 24/05/2021 19:15

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Holly60 and I like my boyfriend's parents and when we have kids, they will see his parents just as much.
Who would've thought that being quiet in a meal would = can't form bonds with any people[/quote]
No I totally agree. I’m not saying that at all. I was more commenting to the lady who was saying that she distances herself from her sisters in law. But to be fair to her she has since said there are reasons for that which is fair enough

Shutupyoutart · 24/05/2021 19:18

My dad is a huge extrovert and really dislikes my husband because he thinks he's rude, dh is an introvert and often sits quietly and not contributing much, my family are all fairly loud and outgoing and as much as I love them all it gets a bit much sometimes for me and I'm not especially introverted. So I get where your coming from op but maybe you were coming across as standoffish with the sister as you were so tired and out of sorts?anyway it's besides the point your problem isn't the sister or the family it's a dp problem if he's been with you 2 years he should know what your like by now and accept you for who you are, if he can't do that sod him. Yes it's good to make an effort with people but you can only put on so much of a show when you are naturally quiet and shy before you burn out. you are who you are and I'm sorry to say it does sound like the two of you may not be compatible long term hope I'm wrong . Think you need to have a good talk with your boyfriend op.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 24/05/2021 19:29

There’s nothing wrong with you but if large social gatherings are important to your boyfriend then this issue isn’t going to go away. It sounds like he has been unkind in this most recent row but it’s not unreasonable for him to feel the way he does. It’s a fundamental issue and one where there can’t really be a compromise.

TheGoogleMum · 24/05/2021 20:33

I'm like you a bit, naturally quiet, not a big talker. I have been quite shy in the past but much better than I used to be. I have often been mistaken for being rude, which sucks when you're just quiet. Lucky for me DH gets it. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't. I think he was mean to you saying it's the last straw as though you did something wrong. Some people are just quiet and that's ok!

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2021 22:15

So no, OP, there is nothing wrong with you - but sounds like the family have judgy-pants on and have jumped unfairly to the most negative conclusion about you.

Which is she doesn’t like the sister, which, um, she doesn’t?

Original poster

LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 22:45

@Bluntness100 i like how you completely ignored my comments to you in which I said I never said I don't like his sister, just that I don't click with her,
And also the part where I said I did speak during the meal just not as chatty as usual.

But keep ignoring and continue to spout on about how much I hate his sister and how I should never go to outings. Seems your trolling so i'll just ignore your posts now

OP posts:

Original poster

LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 22:46

@TheGoogleMum very true! We're all different! This thread has helped me understand that most people don't care if you're introverted etc. Just a shame a few people pop up to add a load of negativity about not going to social events

OP posts:

Original poster

LaylaMcAdams · 24/05/2021 22:48

I also now see both points so thank you everyone.
My intention is never to come across rude but I can understand how being quiet can make some people think something is wrong.
I suppose because i've always been this way, i just saw it as normal

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 25/05/2021 11:06

There are people who are introverts and people who are extroverts. On this occasion your tiredness and quietness came across as dislike for his sister.

You shouldn't change yourself but you need to be more aware of how you come across and mitigate that in advance.

danblack87 · 30/05/2021 10:47

I think from this point on you should only think about you ... your boyfriend clearly sees you as ??? in a family atmosphere BUT yet, you have been together 2 years. This will not end well, you will clearly have anxiety/stress in any future family settings. My advice: get out now whilst you can, be yourself (your true self) - you don't need to fake presentation (I have done that in the past to 'fit in') - this is never going to work and is leading to a 'controlling' situation. xx

Aprilx · 30/05/2021 13:55

I am an introvert, in the true sense that I find socialising drains my energy and I need time alone to recharge my batteries. But this does not render me incapable of chatting with DH’s family at social events. If you were so quiet that your boyfriend notices if, his family notice it, comment on it and get the impression that you don’t like them, then surely you need to reflect a little on how you might be coming across. And yes if you want to sit there not speaking to people, then maybe you should decline events because you are making it awkward for other people.

You say you don’t “click” with his sister, you don’t need to click with someone to talk to them and be friendly. I think you either need to make a bit more of a concerted effort to be sociable at social events or accept that you are not compatible with your boyfriend who likes to socialise.

elmo1990 · 15/06/2021 20:29

OP there is nothing wrong with how you were. Your boyfriend needs to learn to accept that you are an introvert and that your behaviour is not embarrassing. I'm a natural introvert (and fairly certain on the asd spectrum) despite coming from a noisy, talkover each other type family, and my DH is a natural extrovert who will chat to anyone, he accepts that socialising is exhausting for me. Although this may not always have been the case when we were younger, it never led to an argument.

The question I would pose, I'd this something that you can work through together or is it time to reevaluate your relationship?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 15/06/2021 20:31

Definitely up your social game.

It'll be useful for meeting somebody a million times nicer than that knob.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8