Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

[LaylaMcAdams]

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me ()

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with you, I am a bit like that and so are many others. If your boyfriend can't accept you the way you are then maybe it's time to move on and find someone more tolerant.

@Hurr8cane84 It’s her boyfriend’s nastiness that’s the real problem though. The OP explained that she was over-tired and therefore quieter than usual, but instead of accepting this and explaining to his family that she wasn’t feeling 100%, he had a go at her and threatened to break up! It’s completely over-the-top. If he cared about her and respected her, he wouldn’t react like this. I think she’s better off without him, tbh.

@LaylaMcAdams

It was more group conversations about covid, childhood memories, talking about people I've never heard of. I got involved in small ways such as asking his sister about her pets (she loves animals) and the covid discussion and I said the food was good but other than that, I didn't really have much to say.

Well, this is where the sister went wrong. Talking about things your guests can't properly join in with is rather rude. Sound like you tried to make an effort, and I don't see any reciprocation.

Your partner is very offhand ,speaking to you like that, and the sister as well. Its very shallow of people who have views like this. There is nothing wrong with how you are,in a group situation. especially if it is someone else's family.talking about their family things,

Your partner has little respect for you, if he says this is the final straw thing etc.

You are not the girlfriend for him and he is not the boyfriend for you. You should not be put in an uncomfortable situation and then criticised for not behaving the way he wants you to. You are being controlled...get rid of this boyfriend and day goodbye to his family!

Your boyfriend is a nasty piece of work. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I would have told him I was past the last straw with him and his family and the relationship was over.

Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me

My boyfriend had the same sarcy remark of "just don't bother coming" and to me avoiding things, doesn't solve anything

So naturally quiet people should just stay at home.and not bother to go for a meal or drinks with people because they might intrude on everyone's fun by being quiet?

No, they shouldn’t, so dump your boyfriend and find someone who isn’t ashamed of you!

The final straw? So there are other things he isn't happy about? He thinks it is alright to say you are embarrassing and threaten to break up. Please beat him to it. This relationship is doing nothing for your self esteem- this is only likely to get worse the longer you stay together. It also sounds like you would be dealing with a whole family of people who find fault with you. Value your self and get out.

There's nothing wrong you and you shouldn't have to change for anyone. The way he approached this with you was unpleasant and unnecessarily harsh. But having been with an introvert myself I can sympathise with how draining it can be to feel like you're babysitting them at events and worrying that other people think they are just being rude and unsociable.

I'm not saying your dp was right to make threats and speak to you so accusingly but it can be tough when he's getting quizzed from his family too. You don't have to up any sort of social game but if it were me I would explain that I'm a naturally shy and quiet person just to break the ice and show it's nothing personal against them.

Wow he’s a charmer isn’t he?! This will only get worse OP, not better. You’ll either turn to drink or drugs on social occasions to try and loosen up and down the line create yourself quite the problem. Or else he’ll wait until you are at a point of vulnerability, perhaps after having his child, and walk away anyway. He’s trying to change you as you just don’t measure up. Get rid.

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@PlanDeRaccordement i can easily socialise in small groups but put me in a large group of people and I become lost.

The thing is around the table, I didn't feel conscious of it until I heard his parents and sister making a comment about how quiet I was which was basically announced to the table.
I told them that i was just feeling a bit tired but that comment then made me fully aware of my lack of ability to socialise which just made my quietness worse.[/quote]
Oh my god why do extroverts do this to us intros? my ex Dp had a large family, large group of friends whereas I have 1 or 2 and i'm comfortable with that, but out with his friends if id not spoken for a few minutes id be asked whats wrong, am I ok? i'm being so quiet.... etc

Can we normalise not everyone wanting to be centre of attention please! The issue here is with his family not you, they are not used to people who aren't like them and its quite sad to be of adult age and realise not everyone is the same. so you don't click with his sister, big deal... you're not going out with her.
It sounds as if they are very family orientated and thats fine for them, but if you're not id think long and hard whether you want to go through the pain of putting yourself through their large family gatherings for the rest of your life.

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Holly60 my confusion lies with the fact I do socialise with his family in smaller groups. I have movie nights, takeaways, chats on the sofa with his parents. I get on so well with his younger brother - the three of going shopping, cinema, bowling together. I go visit his stepmum and dad on my own sometimes for a coffee. His six year old niece adores me and I always buy her little gifts when I see her.
Yet i'm apparently embarrassing because I get lost when put in a large group of people.[/quote]
I can see how that would be really hurtful. If you were my daughter I would be gently asking you if he is the right man for you, if he can’t accept you how you are.

I had a partner who was socially awkward. In gatherings he wouldn’t contribute to conversations and show interest in anyone else. It was embarrassing, infuriating and selfish. Others would be confused by his lack of interaction as the impression was he that he wasn’t enjoying himself or cared enough about anyone else there to take part. Personally, I found it frustrating and rude. He’s now an ex.

His family don’t sound very understanding, but it does depend on how you come across. If you smile and laugh and look like you are listening to the conversation, but don’t say very much that’s fine, but if you just sit there looking like you are bored (DH does this) then it does create a negative atmosphere. We have friends who are very quiet, but they don’t look aloof when in company.

It can come across as rude and sulky if you are quiet and withdrawn at events. Best not to go if you can't join in. It's exhausting to be the one constantly holding the conversation, just as it's exhausting for you to make the effort. Swings and roundabouts

Sorry, but I agree with this ^^

I can see both sides here. I am more outgoing than DH who is an extreme introvert to the point that he makes people feel that he doesn’t like them. He comes across as very aloof because he just won’t talk to people. He is very self-contained and doesn’t need to be around other people. He sounds very much like your DH @Musication. Because of this he simply doesn’t understand why after several weeks of seeing no-one else or going anywhere I feel caged, bored and stifled.

DH doesn’t like large family gatherings either and, as we don’t live near either family, they don’t happen very often. TBH I tell him to suck it up because 99.9% of the time he gets his own way – seeing no-one, so he has to put up with an afternoon once or twice a year of seeing people for my sake.

You say that socialising with the family in small groups is fine. Do you socialise with his sister in small groups? Maybe you boyfriend realises that smaller groups work better for you which is why he suggested the idea of just seeing her and her boyfriend?

I dont think you should change who you are, but find someone who appreciates you .
I can't comment on your boyfriend as I don't know him but at best you are not suited as your differences seem to bother him too much .

Surprised at some of these comments. There is a mid ground between being loud snd being basically silent. If you only commented the food was good and made a couple of comments about Covid and past that sat there silent for hours I can see why that could be perceived as rude.

You say you were too exhausted to talk. This is very different to brain freezing and social anxiety. I think if you’re feeling so exhausted you can’t even talk it’s best to not go to these things.

Gosh,I wish some extroverts would shut up in large groups, not the other way around.

You are allowed to be tired and socialise how you want. The meal with his sister doesn't sound a terrible idea though so you can get to know her better. You seem lovely and perhaps his frustration is that his sister doesn't get to see that. However, I think you deserve to be supported and he should be on your side, as you didn't do anything wrong and we're just yourself.

Your argument sounds very heated and overblown. Had he drunk quite a bit? Is he normally so critical?

You aren't compatible.

My impression is your boyfriend is being unreasonable. You do socialise with his family and clearly don't need him "constantly looking after you". It seems like his sister's (public and private)comments have prompted him to start issuing ultimatums. If you were rude or ignorant to anyone without provocation, i could understand his reaction. His comments are belittling and he's treating you like a naughty child.

My feeling is if he wants someone who has to be socially on all the time, he should go find another girlfriend. Would you say the same to him if the roles were reversed? I suspect not.

[quote LaylaMcAdams]@Yummymummy2020 i'm the exact same! Put me in a small group, and I can chat your head off. But groups of people I find overwhelming[/quote]
I too am the same, it's just the way some people are. My DH is extremely quiet, I don't try and change him, he is who he is! Dump your boyfriend and get a better one. And don't think '2 years wasted' think '2 years finally understanding what not to have in a man'

It's not that you're not compatible because plenty of introvert/ extrovert relationships work. It's that his family dont accept this and instead of sticking up for you he feels embarrassed and like you should change this fundamental part of yourself just so they don't get the wrong idea which is mad. He is being unreasonable. If he doesn't understand that it's not rude it's just the way you are, that there is a difference between rude and quiet, and so what if you dont like his sister anyway, you make enough effort with the rest of the family...then I don't think he is the one for you. Do you try and change the way he is? Did his sister make any effort with you? I also think it was really rude of his family to mention you being quiet

My feeling is if he wants someone who has to be socially on all the time

Again, comments like this make it seem that it’s one extreme or the other, it’s not. You can make the occasional comment, join in politely and have a mid ground, it is not a case of you’re either loud and socially on all the time or you sit in silence for hours. There’s a mid ground.

I understand both their points of view. The op is unclear on why she was silent and gives reasons from exhaustion to feeling overwhelming social anxiety, and if she’s incapable of making any form of conversation then he needs to accept this is who she is. But she also needs to understand that sitting there largely silent for hours at a family meal can be perceived as rude.

I don’t think it’s more rude not to go. I think she should stick to socialising in very small groups, and simoly not attend any larger family meal rather than sit in silence for the duration.

Tell your BF that you're on your 'last straw' with his family rudely commenting on how quiet you when half the time they're talking about people you don't even know - and that he should be embarrassed at that not you - and that if he wants to go out with a mouth almighty he should just go find himself one. I think you've defended yourself on this thread very well but it doesn't sound like you're doing the same in RL with him.

What@OutwiththeOutCrowd said. His mother and sister were very unkind to pick on you in that situation. It's a bit bullying to point out things they don't like about other people in public. They obviously have little empathy for the differences in people's extraversion levels.

However, if your boyfriend is insisting that you turn into an 'extrovert' in social situations there's a disconnect in this relationship. Why should you change yourself to suit him? Particularly as there's a threat to end the relationship if you don't. He must have liked your personality to be with you. Life is too short to bend yourself into shape to suit someone else. There are people who will accept you as you are.

Your boyfriend should educate himself on personality type. Perhaps by reading about Myers Briggs? Some people are extroverts, some of introverts. Neither is superior to the other. We’re just all different. It would be a boring world if everyone was the same. There’s so much pressure in society to fit in and be sociable, but not everyone is like that.

I think it might be worth having a word with his sister and family to explain that you like them perfectly well, you’re just an introvert and it’s nothing personal, that’s the way you are.