Is there something wrong with me? Argument.

[LaylaMcAdams]

Had an argument with boyfriend last night. One of the worst arguments we've had.

I'll try and summarise the best I can.

I've always been quite introverted and never really interested in forming strong bonds with people.
I have my family, my best friend i've known since I was 3 (i'm now 26) and my boyfriend. And i'm happy that way. I have a few people i'm also friendly with but more like university friend or work friend.

Anyway, my boyfriend had a family meal in his garden last night and no matter how much I try, I can't click with his sister.
I can usually force myself to be quite chatty and usually can make an effort with his sister, but I felt exhausted on the table yesterday so was quieter than usual.
I added onto the odd.conversation but I probably wasn't very social I admit.

Later on, an argument starts.
Boyfriend said he found me embarrassing as I didn't speak much and how he doesn't think he can bring me to future family gatherings as he feels he constantly has to look after me ()

I told him it's just the way I am and it's not as if I'm like this constantly but I am not a natural in big groups. And that I found it unfair he is generalising me as being completely unsocial and making it sound I am incapable of being left alone.

I genuinely was not fussed by my levels of social interaction. I felt tired and I added onto conversations but I didn't really have much to say. But every one else in his family has now commented to him that I clearly hate his sister and whether there is something wrong with me.

We've been together 2 years and my own family are not the social kind so it is not natural for me to have constant social interactions and "putting on a show" around a dinner table.
Now I feel I need to up my social game or he will leave me.
He said last night he's on his final straw and i'm just so upset because I can't change this part of myself :( since I was a child, I was naturally quiet and timid and it doesnt bother me but it bothers him.

He has a very social family and most of the time I do get on really well with them bit it just feels I get a burnout sometimes.

And perhaps you just don't like his sister. It's not compulsory and she hasn't exactly made herself attractive to you by complaining about your personality to all and sundry.

@RichPetunia

I had a partner who was socially awkward. In gatherings he wouldn’t contribute to conversations and show interest in anyone else. It was embarrassing, infuriating and selfish. Others would be confused by his lack of interaction as the impression was he that he wasn’t enjoying himself or cared enough about anyone else there to take part. Personally, I found it frustrating and rude. He’s now an ex.

This is my husband. My family and friends are all very understanding but he does come across as rude.

I don't think it's being quiet that's the issue with introverts I think it's giving the impression that you are unhappy and don't want to be there that's the problem. It more to do with your body language than how much you are talking.

You sound like me OP - I feel I could of wrote this post.

I love visiting my in-laws when it's just core family and a calm environment. However, when there's extended family, SIL, nephews, nieces, I dread it. I make an effort, listen and laugh at funny stories and interject as much as possible, but it feels like I'm running on empty. However, my partner has only ever been reassuring and supportive and you should 100% expect yours to have your back as, after all, he's making a future life with you.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP. Some people are extroverted, some are introverted.

However if I was in your situation I’d be concerned about my relationship. In a relationship of two years you should be able to be yourself, and understand how your partner behaves in different social situations.

In the one hand, I do think you should have been self aware enough of your own comfort zone and social energy to skip the event if you couldn’t do the expected social niceties that particular night, because you did know what to expect and you would have known you couldn’t “deliver” on the night.

But on the other hand, your BF has said he’s embarrassed/ashamed by you and that he expects you to change to deliver more suitable social interactions down the track. This is out of line.

So if this is not something the two of you can discuss or understand or accept about each other, it may not be the right relationship for either of you. It sounds like you could be two different people who aren’t communicating well at present.

I don't think it's being quiet that's the issue with introverts I think it's giving the impression that you are unhappy and don't want to be there that's the problem.

I agree. DH always looks bored and as if he dislikes everyone. I agree with @Bluntness100 that there is a middle ground. There needs to be understanding and acceptance from the extroverts, and at least look like you are listening and engaging from the introverts.

I was in a relationship with an introvert who was so interverted they wouldn't talk unless asked a direct question, wouldn't respond with anything to keep a conversation flowing and would actively try to physical hide if possible by standing behind others or at the very edge of things where possible. It was extremely difficult, they came across as rude and hostile. It made life difficult for me and really put me off dating anyone who was introverted. My oh is introverted, however he makes a conscious effort to speak to people, engage politely in two way conversations and can and will start up conversations himself with my friends and family. It drains him to be social and he wouldn't like to do it too frequently without rest between events. But it makes such a huge difference. I love him very much, I love who he is and how he is, but I have to say if he was quiet and withdrawn at social events I don't think our relationship would have lasted. As pp have said, not interacting does make you look rude and impolite and it puts the onus on others to socialise on your behalf or to engage in rather one sided conversation with you that is uncomfortable. If you don't want to chance and push yourself to interact with others then that's ok, you don't need to change for anyone other that yourself, but equally if your oh feels its too difficult to dare someone who interacts like that then that's ok too. You just might not be suited to each other and that's not yours or his fault, just one of those things

*change not chance

*omg there are loads of typos! Why is there no edit button?!

Also agree with @Bluntness100

You can be an engaged listener and enjoy the flow of conversation between the stronger personalities, and that's enough for most people. Lean in towards the speakers, the smile, the nods, the filler 'oh gosh!', 'wow!', 'oh, no!', etc- that's enough for most people. That's all you have to do to involve yourself in a conversation and make others feel that you want to be there.

If you're coming across as unsociable, it sounds like you're not even doing that.

I was in a relationship with an introvert who was so interverted they wouldn't talk unless asked a direct question, wouldn't respond with anything to keep a conversation flowing and would actively try to physical hide if possible by standing behind others or at the very edge of things where possible. It was extremely difficult, they came across as rude and hostile

This. It’s the extremes I refered to. There is introverted and then there is so so introverted you sit in silence for hours, only mutter a few words, and make everyone uncomfortable. It does come across as rude and hostile. There a mid ground. You don’t need to be full on as the only other option, as some folks are trying to make out. It doesn’t need to be either extreme.

If you are genuinely incapable of any form of interaction past a few words over the course of several hours at a family meal, then I genuinely think it’s best not to attend. Your partner is not wrong to be upset by it, it is seen as rude and hostile, it is difficult, and you’re not wrong that you’re incapable of interacting, its simply who you are. So you’re deeply incompatible in this regard.

The only solution is you stop attending, or he has to accept it and explain to his family that you’re not rude and hostile, but you’re incapable of conversing and feel overwhelmed.

It was more group conversations about covid, childhood memories, talking about people I've never heard of.
I got involved in small ways such as asking his sister about her pets (she loves animals) and the covid discussion and I said the food was good but other than that, I didn't really have much to say

Well, this is where the sister went wrong. Talking about things your guests can't properly join in with is rather rude. Sound like you tried to make an effort, and I don't see any reciprocation

Totally agree with this.
God the endless rehashing of the same old boring stories than no one else knows about.
They are the ones with poor social skills.
My DP do this and then get arsey when you dont have a clue who they are talking about.
You BF is a twat
Dump

@PlanDeRaccordement

There is nothing wrong with you but everything wrong with boyfriend and family for not liking you the way you are and thinking you need to change to be more like them. That’s called being intolerant asshats. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be embarrassed by you, he should like you for who you are which is a quiet, introverted type of person and should be defending you against his family’s unfair criticism.

Yep I agree, it's not you - its him! He might have made up his family said those things, if someone was quiet at a meal I'd just wonder if everything was ok, not that they "hated" the person sitting next to them, he sounds like a drama queen.

My DP do this and then get arsey when you dont have a clue who they are talking about

But then you fake a smile, say wow, ask who is that then, show an interest via body language etc. You don’t have to do or say much.

@Bluntness100

My DP do this and then get arsey when you dont have a clue who they are talking about

But then you fake a smile, say wow, ask who is that then, show an interest via body language etc. You don’t have to do or say much.

After 51 years of it 😂 These people are dead! Its part of a whole load of other behaviours I wont go into but pretty much bullying behaviour.

OP - is this the SIL you're talking about?? It shows the same issue but from the other side. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4252932-to-wonder-why-i-m-always-the-one-carrying-the-conversations

The problem, I think, is that most people are at least a bit introverted and would prefer to sit in silence while others do the heavy lifting of keeping the conversation going. I don't think being tired or shy is a viable excuse for just sitting quietly at a social event, sorry.

Your bf is a dick though.

You need a BF who'll be understanding and stick up for you, not criticise you for being quiet and expect you to put on an act to placate his family, who sound so up their own arses that they can't get that not everyone wants to talk all the time.

I'm an utter extrovert, and probably very loud and exasperating with it, but even I get that not everyone's like me and that many people prefer to just sit and watch.

He hasn't got your back, OP. If he had, he'd just explain to his sister that you're quiet and reserved in group situations and that it doesn't mean you don't like her. And he'd do that even if he knows you don't like her!

(My late DP knew I didn't like one of his sisters. He respected the fact, and always made sure I was never stuck on my own with her in social situations.)

@Bluntness100

I was in a relationship with an introvert who was so interverted they wouldn't talk unless asked a direct question, wouldn't respond with anything to keep a conversation flowing and would actively try to physical hide if possible by standing behind others or at the very edge of things where possible. It was extremely difficult, they came across as rude and hostile

This. It’s the extremes I refered to. There is introverted and then there is so so introverted you sit in silence for hours, only mutter a few words, and make everyone uncomfortable. It does come across as rude and hostile. There a mid ground. You don’t need to be full on as the only other option, as some folks are trying to make out. It doesn’t need to be either extreme.

If you are genuinely incapable of any form of interaction past a few words over the course of several hours at a family meal, then I genuinely think it’s best not to attend. Your partner is not wrong to be upset by it, it is seen as rude and hostile, it is difficult, and you’re not wrong that you’re incapable of interacting, its simply who you are. So you’re deeply incompatible in this regard.

The only solution is you stop attending, or he has to accept it and explain to his family that you’re not rude and hostile, but you’re incapable of conversing and feel overwhelmed.

I think this is fair. The replies on this thread come down to the fact that Mn is overwhelmingly populated by people who identify as 'introverts', but who misunderstand what 'introversion' is, and confuse it with shyness, social anxiety, and being 'quiet', when it's purely a matter of how you refuel (whether it's through solitude or being around others), not how you actually behave in company.

There's absolutely no reason why anyone should be able to distinguish between an introvert and an extrovert when actually in a social situation (unless the introvert was already exhausted from being in too many social situations in quick succession, and hadn't refuelled in solitude, hence had nothing to give in this instance.)

When it comes down to it, OP, you're just incompatible. If you've never been at all interested in 'forming strong bonds with people', that has nothing to do with introversion. You're just someone who prefers to have very few people in your life -- you refer to your parents, whom you've obviously known all your life, and your best friend, whom you've known since you were three.

But you also have a boyfriend, who is presumably of much more recent vintage. You clearly made the effort and actually wanted this newer 'bond'. He clearly doesn't share your preference for not having many 'strong bonds', or maybe he does, but has a larger family, so his siblings are included. Basically, you don't like one another's social styles. Unless you both compromise, there's nowhere for this to go.

If you want to attend events with people that aren't introverts then yes it's up to you to be more sociable

Nonsense, @HalzTangz. We extroverts need the quiet ones, otherwise all social events would be non-stop competing for attention!

Everything ruined - exactly! You try to keep the conversation going and the atmosphere light, but you just think your OH is making no effort at all. The knock on effect is everyone else tires of OH and then have no interest in inviting them anywhere or would rather they didn’t come. Then what do you have? Going to gatherings alone or going with someone who can alter a whole gathering by their demeanour. It’s not that I’m saying be the life and soul of the party, but making an effort to at least look interested or to try and make small talk would have been nice. As I said earlier, my OH is now an ex and my family weren’t bothered when we split up because they didn’t really know him (and we’d been together for years).

You need a BF who'll be understanding and stick up for you, not criticise you for being quiet and expect you to put on an act to placate his family, who sound so up their own arses that they can't get that not everyone wants to talk all the time

No one is expecting her to talk all the time, what are you on about? He’s expecting some very basic interaction so as not to come across as rude and hostile., it’s hardly unreasonable.

And we all put on an act at social gatherings with in-laws etc to some extent. We pretend to be interested , to be polite, we make the right noises, smile in the right places.

I get the op is not capable of this, but her boyfriend either needs to accept that who she is, and explain to his family, end it, or she stops attending.

Op, I'm like you introverted and find group socials exhausting. The fact they are discussing you, and your boyfriend is giving you some kind of warning, makes me believe that this relationship and extended family are not for you. You shouldn't have to 'up your game' to keep your boyfriend. I would end the relationship and you'll meet someone more understanding. Take care.

You wouldn't fit terribly well in mine or DH family either OP, but that's nothing negative about you OR your boyfriend, it just sounds like you are not terribly compatible. If socialising in big/family groups is important to him it may not work for you long term.

I can see this from both sides here but ultimately you don’t sound very compatible. If you’re not married with no kids I’d call it a day and find someone more like you.

I'm fine in small groups of people I know well. I detest being in large groups of people who I don't really know. I also have hearing loss and find it difficult in large groups trying to keep up with conversations especially if it's a noisy environment. Also in large groups you'll always have an extrovert, or two, who dominate conversations.