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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:
araiwa · 22/05/2021 16:13

Your husband clearly disagrees

So what will you do about that?

cushioncovers · 22/05/2021 16:16

You are perfectly entitled to live happily without sex. However you will need to find a solution or compromise with your Dh that you are both happy with for your marriage to thrive long term.

LilithEveMary · 22/05/2021 16:17

The less you have sex the less you'll want it.

Breastfeeding, and also the pill can have a big effect on libido.

If it's important to him and you love him, it should be important to you for that reason.

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 22/05/2021 16:20

I think it's normal for sex drive to get really low after birth, not only because of hormones but you might feel differently about yourself now you're a mother, it's really natural.

As the others said though you'll both need to compromise for the marriage to work out.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:20

@araiwa - I guess he will have to make that decision.

@LilithEveMary - I’m not on the pill, but I am still breastfeeding.

OP posts:
StarShapedWindow · 22/05/2021 16:25

You must have the right to not have sex but your husband must have the right to a sex life eventually. I guess when he married you he thought he’d have a sexual relationship not a ‘best friends’ relationship. Sex is important to me, if my DH decided he didn’t want it anymore I wouldn’t stay with him long term but I’d respect his wishes.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:27

@StarShapedWindow

Sex is important to me

This is just something I struggle to understand.

I can think of so many things that are important to me. sex isn’t one of them....

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 22/05/2021 16:29

@araiwa - I guess he will have to make that decision.

What do you mean op?

RagzReturnsRebooted · 22/05/2021 16:29

The less you have sex, the less you want it, in my experience. The reverse is definitely true for me too. Its very easy to fall out of the habit. I do find if I'm in a not feeling sexy phase (usually when I'm over worked or put on weight), as soon as we do do it I'm into it and enjoying my orgasms.
If I masturbate more, my sex drive goes up too. I actually schedule sex in every week now, to keep us both happy, otherwise its easy to let weeks or months go by.

OrangeRug · 22/05/2021 16:29

Me and my partner had sex several times a week before I had DD but I have very little desire now. The only time I truly want sea is when I'm ovulating but we have sex on average once a week anyway as I know it makes him happy and I do enjoy it once we've started.

TheGoogleMum · 22/05/2021 16:30

I voted yanbu because I felt much the same way. I enjoy sex when we have it but I dont crave it often. I'll try and go with it even if I'm not in the mood as I do then get into it during foreplay (I wouldn't have sex if I really didn't want to) otherwise we would probably only have sex 3 times a year (we don't exactly manage it weekly now anyway). I think its worth trying to be intimate with your partner even if not sex just to reconnect a bit, but go slow and don't do anything you really don't want to of course! At least try to get kissing again?

DisgruntledPelican · 22/05/2021 16:30

I can think of so many things that are important to me. sex isn’t one of them....

It’s OK to feel that way, but you need to both be honest with your DH about it, and be aware that he might not want to continue the relationship if sex is never going to be something you ever want again.

UhtredRagnarson · 22/05/2021 16:31

Libido is a muscle- the less you use it, the less it works. You might need to give it a jump start. It’s perfectly possible to live happily without sex- I have for 6 years because I’m a single parent and just haven’t met anyone. I’m not thrilled about it. I’d like to have sex but it’s not making me miserable either. If you dont want sex then don’t have it, but it’s an important part of relationships and it’s something you need to make clear to your DH if that’s what you’ve decided. Particularly if it’s a permanent decision.

SmileyClare · 22/05/2021 16:31

What's changed? I mean you used to have regular sex, were you just doing it to get pregnant?

StarShapedWindow · 22/05/2021 16:31

@Viv08

Was it ever important - when you were having it a few times a week? Or have you never particularly enjoyed it?

Gazelda · 22/05/2021 16:33

Did you enjoy sex the last time you had it?

How would you feel if your DH said that he wasn't prepared to stay in a sexless marriage?

Vodkaandballoon · 22/05/2021 16:38

You can not want sex & that is absolutely your porogative. What you can't expect is for your partner to just accept it and carry on as usual in the marriage. Sex is a really important part of my relationship & as much as I love my partner I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was completely off the cards.

ThornAmongstRoses · 22/05/2021 16:41

My second drive has been practical none existent since the birth of our first child - and he’s 7.5 years old Grin

We don’t have sex anywhere near as regular as my DH would like it. I do it more because I feel like I should do more than actually wanting to.

I do enjoy it when we have sex but I don’t miss or crave it at all.

I try to make more of an effort to instigate things but in general I just can’t be bothered.

All I want to do when the children go to bed is lie down, watch a film and go to sleep. Not exert myself Grin

SoftParade · 22/05/2021 16:52

Your body your choice. If that's OK with you both, then everything will be just fine.

But if that is not the case, I'd imagine a much more probable outcome in these cases is that the couple breaks up (or the partner who wants sex gets it elsewhere, and you split up later).

Flowers500 · 22/05/2021 17:00

I wouldn’t stay in a sexless marriage and I wouldn’t judge anyone who couldn’t. Have you always disliked sex?

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:01

[quote cushioncovers]**@araiwa - I guess he will have to make that decision.

What do you mean op? [/quote]
@cushioncovers

I mean that I would be happy to stay in my marriage without sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:03

@SmileyClare

What's changed? I mean you used to have regular sex, were you just doing it to get pregnant?

No. I didn’t. I was incredibly lucky and became pregnant after 1 month of trying, so sex was not
Increased for pregnancy.

I’m not sure what has changed.

OP posts:
YouShouldLeave · 22/05/2021 17:03

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
I don’t want sex at all, so i’m single (not by choice, no one will have me, but whatever....)
I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in a relationship and love someone and have that pressure on you.

I hope the best for you!

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:05

[quote StarShapedWindow]@Viv08

Was it ever important - when you were having it a few times a week? Or have you never particularly enjoyed it?[/quote]
@StarShapedWindow

I wouldn’t say it was important.

I did it and I’d enjoy it. But it wasn’t an important part of my marriage; or at least I don’t remember specifically thinking it was.

OP posts:
Notgoodenough32 · 22/05/2021 17:05

I feel the same way OP. I just don't see what all the fuss is about and why sex is such an important part of people's lives.

I have DC and I'm pregnant with another so obviously I have sex from time to time not half as much as OH would like but I didn't particularly fancy it and haven't for many years.