Page 16 | To think it would be easy to live without sex

thepeopleversuswork · 28/05/2021 09:09

@StarlightLady

MN seems to be littered with people of both genders who are in sexless so called relationships.

You can have sex without a relationship but I’m not sure whether you can have a real relationship without sex And sex is not all just about penetration.

Even in my most single times, I’ve had a need for sex. In spite of what some others may feel, l learned long ago that there is nothing wrong in having sex with a good friend. The trust and respect are there already.

I agree, but for a lot of people sex is something unpleasant and dirty and to be got out of the way in the interests of procreation and then occasionally thereafter to keep their man from straying.

MjonathanB · 28/05/2021 09:33

“But a marriage (not so surprisingly) is not a guaranteed obligation for permanent sex”

Is marriage a guaranteed obligation for permanent conversation? Permanent meal-sharing? Permanent cohabitation?

If there are noexpected obligations in a marriage, what is marriage then? What, would you say, are the permanent guarantees of marriage?

I agree that if one half of the marriage decides that they no longer want sex or pasta or film nights or a shared duvet, then they have the right to say that they want the marriage to change to accommodate them. But the other person has the right to say that, in that case, they’re out.

StarlightLady · 28/05/2021 09:50

@thepeopleversuswork - I suspect a lot of the unpleasant and dirty view goes back to bad parenting.

I remember back in my mid teens (40s now) when mum first found out l was having sex, she was annoyed. Not that l was having sex, but that l hadn’t discussed it with her. She has passed away now, but l still remember her words, if anything is not feeling nice, stop doing it. And stick within your own age range.

Catullus5 · 28/05/2021 09:55

I don't agree.

It really would be fascinating to see what the average Mumsnetter's age is now compared to what it was ten years ago.

The topics have changed. Then it was more nappies, wrangling toddlers, meal planning, school gate and so forth - and some sexless husbands.

Now it's divorce, friends, politics, neighbours, the royal family - and sex pest (often ex) husbands.

BertramLacey · 28/05/2021 10:08

I agree that if one half of the marriage decides that they no longer want sex or pasta or film nights or a shared duvet, then they have the right to say that they want the marriage to change to accommodate them. But the other person has the right to say that, in that case, they’re out.

Many people on this thread have said that the OP, and indeed everyone, absolutely has the right to refuse sex but that that being the case, her DH needs to know so he can decide what he wants to do. However, what I find most worrying is the way in which some people on this thread seem to think sex is analogous to pasta or film nights or household chores. Sex is the intimate sharing of your body. For women in particular it can make you incredibly vulnerable. That some people think this is equivalent to something like putting out the bins explains much about why people go off sex.

Sex done well is one of the most amazing experiences you can have. Unfortunately the flipside is true - done badly it's hell.

beingsunny · 28/05/2021 10:19

This is so sad, I have a partner who is seemingly uninterested in having sex with me.

Last time was mid April, I know that because I stopped taking the pill because every day I took it was a reminder I didn't really need to.

Sex is an important part of feeling loved and intimate with him,

I'm at a point now where I'm seeking counseling to support me leaving a man who I do still love and desire who doesn't want me nor is able to talk about it.

If you am want to stay married you need to talk to him and yourself understand why you don't want this intimacy with him. It may not be important to you but don't underestimate how he may feel.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 28/05/2021 10:25

I had similar after I had our daughter. We had tried for a baby that long it's like sex just became a means to an end. I really couldn't care less about it even though I fancied DP like mad still. 8 years later and my sex drive has returned with a vengeance and I want it more than him sometimes. This makes me realise how he must have felt when I didn't want it. I find the longer you go without it the less you want it but if you have it more you want it more.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 28/05/2021 10:26

@RagzReturnsRebooted

The less you have sex, the less you want it, in my experience. The reverse is definitely true for me too. Its very easy to fall out of the habit. I do find if I'm in a not feeling sexy phase (usually when I'm over worked or put on weight), as soon as we do do it I'm into it and enjoying my orgasms. If I masturbate more, my sex drive goes up too. I actually schedule sex in every week now, to keep us both happy, otherwise its easy to let weeks or months go by.

I also agree with the masturbation thing

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 28/05/2021 10:32

@Viv08

I don’t know if I find him attractive, I’m driving myself mad with this.
If I found him attractive, wouldn’t I crave sex with him?

Not necessarily. But you do say you don't even want to kiss him so that makes me wonder. Do you fancy him when you look at him. I've been with my DP 19 years and still think he's gorgeous even when I've gone off sex.

beingsunny · 28/05/2021 10:36

Honestly the dining table incident smacks of an expected rejection.

He is perhaps now at a point where he is expecting you to say no and looking for opportunities to validate you not wanting him but making it easier on himself by suggesting something a bit crazy.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 28/05/2021 10:37

@Viv08
Sorry for all messages I've just been reading your comments and you actually sound like me when my daughter was that age. I said the same to my DP that I need romance and some build up not just a quickie. Nowadays I am the one asking for a quickie so give it time, talk to him and suggest you have time together intimately without it leading to sex and eventually I think you will find you start wanting it again.

MjonathanB · 28/05/2021 11:06

@BertramLacey

I agree that if one half of the marriage decides that they no longer want sex or pasta or film nights or a shared duvet, then they have the right to say that they want the marriage to change to accommodate them. But the other person has the right to say that, in that case, they’re out.

Many people on this thread have said that the OP, and indeed everyone, absolutely has the right to refuse sex but that that being the case, her DH needs to know so he can decide what he wants to do. However, what I find most worrying is the way in which some people on this thread seem to think sex is analogous to pasta or film nights or household chores. Sex is the intimate sharing of your body. For women in particular it can make you incredibly vulnerable. That some people think this is equivalent to something like putting out the bins explains much about why people go off sex.

Sex done well is one of the most amazing experiences you can have. Unfortunately the flipside is true - done badly it's hell.

Sorry, I simply meant that a marriage is made up of whole load of things, from the trivial to the vital, and that they all are part of the explicit bargain between people.

I agree about the importance of sex in a relationship and as an intimate bond. I'm a bit romantic and oldfashioned about it actually. I don't think everyone has to be, though.

And in fact my facetious list is flawed because there's one thing about sex in a marriage that's completely unique. It's the only thing that, if one of you doesn't want it anymore, the partner has a problem that probably can't be solved within the terms of the marriage.

If I decide I no longer want to play badminton, or eat Indian food, or go to the theatre, it's pretty much accepted, I think, that my partner might say, "No prob. I can do that with other people, with friends" and it would be pretty unreasonable of me, "No, no, no - you're not doing it with anyone else."

But having sex just isn't like sharing a biriyani or going to Macbeth - it's much more significant and important. So wanting to change that is a much bigger problem than almost any other kind of developing mismatch of need and expectation.

Original poster

Viv08 · 31/05/2021 08:32

Okay, so DH & I had a lunch date whilst DC was at Nursery (first date we’ve had since DC was born)

It was nice, we went to a quiet restaurant and over lunch we had a couple of drinks and a really good chat.

I told him how I’d been feeling, we spoke about trying to be more affectionate, making time for each other.

I felt like he’d really understood me and I was grateful for it.

After our lunch we came home to watch a film together.

I initiated intimacy, not because I felt I had to, but because I really wanted to.

We kissed, cuddled, touched and it led to full blown sex.

It was so passionate and I absolutely loved it.
I felt like I couldn’t get enough of him.

Just before we had to pick up DC, we did it again!!!

I felt positive and happy.

A few days later though and I’m starting to feel irritated by him... 😣

It’s the little things he does that are all “sexual” and I think that’s what makes me feel like I’m put off by sex.

For instance....

We were talking about getting our DC a trampoline, I said to DH oh I’d like to have a jump on it, it might help me tone up.

DH response was “I’ve got something else you can jump on” (whilst rubbing his crotch)

I suffer with a skin condition and DH kindly puts cream on my back if I need him to.

Before bed over the weekend I’d asked him to,
he was rubbing in the cream and then started to make “sex moans” saying stuff like “oh I just want to be inside you” then went from rubbing cream on my back to groping my bum.

He had his second Covid jab yesterday, last night in bed he said, “I think I’ve had a side effect from the vaccine” I asked him what it was, he took my hand, and said “a huge hard on” (no guessing where he put my hand)

I don’t know if I’m just really uptight / prude, but it all just really irritates me, I don’t find it sexy or funny, I find it all a bit immature and off putting!!

I don’t understand why he would become aroused rubbing cream onto my back for a skin condition, and it just makes me feel like I’m a “sex piece” for him.

Anyway, we haven’t had sex since our lunch date mid week and I haven’t felt like I’ve wanted to. 😣

OP posts:

TheDiddlyGang · 31/05/2021 08:47

It’s the little things he does that are all “sexual” and I think that’s what makes me feel like I’m put off by sex
So tell him!
I think he probably doesn’t realise that it is off putting to you, me and DH do very similar things to all the instances you go on to describe but it doesn’t put off either of us, everyone is different.

For instance....

We were talking about getting our DC a trampoline, I said to DH oh I’d like to have a jump on it, it might help me tone up

DH response was “I’ve got something else you can jump on” (whilst rubbing his crotch)
Yup, I can imagine my DH doing something like that!

I suffer with a skin condition and DH kindly puts cream on my back if I need him to
Before bed over the weekend I’d asked him to, he was rubbing in the cream and then started to make “sex moans” saying stuff like “oh I just want to be inside you” then went from rubbing cream on my back to groping my bum
That one I would find a wee bit creepy but I imagine if you tell him so he’ll stop?

I don’t know if I’m just really uptight / prude, but it all just really irritates me, I don’t find it sexy or funny, I find it all a bit immature and off putting!!
We are all different!
I wouldn’t have appreciated the cream one but the others I would have found funny.

it just makes me feel like I’m a “sex piece” for him
Just tell him
We are all different.

Original poster

Viv08 · 31/05/2021 08:57

@TheDiddlyGang

It’s the little things he does that are all “sexual” and I think that’s what makes me feel like I’m put off by sex So tell him! I think he probably doesn’t realise that it is off putting to you, me and DH do very similar things to all the instances you go on to describe but it doesn’t put off either of us, everyone is different.

For instance....

We were talking about getting our DC a trampoline, I said to DH oh I’d like to have a jump on it, it might help me tone up

DH response was “I’ve got something else you can jump on” (whilst rubbing his crotch)
Yup, I can imagine my DH doing something like that!

I suffer with a skin condition and DH kindly puts cream on my back if I need him to
Before bed over the weekend I’d asked him to, he was rubbing in the cream and then started to make “sex moans” saying stuff like “oh I just want to be inside you” then went from rubbing cream on my back to groping my bum
That one I would find a wee bit creepy but I imagine if you tell him so he’ll stop?

I don’t know if I’m just really uptight / prude, but it all just really irritates me, I don’t find it sexy or funny, I find it all a bit immature and off putting!!
We are all different!
I wouldn’t have appreciated the cream one but the others I would have found funny.

it just makes me feel like I’m a “sex piece” for him
Just tell him
We are all different.

@TheDiddlyGang

I told him on our lunch date, told him how I don’t like some of the things he does.
I think it’s fallen on deaf ears....

OP posts:

SadieCow · 31/05/2021 09:01

*If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to..*

Your first post is very different to your most recent post... your most recent post would've got very different responses. Your first post says he's not pushy in the slightest,

SadieCow · 31/05/2021 09:01

Bold fail 🙄

Original poster

Viv08 · 31/05/2021 09:05

@SadieCow

Your first post says he's not pushy in the slightest

He’s not pushy. He’s not pushing / torching me into having sex.

It’s just the comments he makes, which I have mentioned on my posts previously!!

OP posts:

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 31/05/2021 12:02

Oh ok well at least you know you still fancy him and can still enjoy sex with him. So that’s positive.

He sounds a bit immature in a laddish sex comment way. Understandable that’s off putting. You are going to have to tell him you don’t like his sex jokes/ innuendos!

Original poster

Viv08 · 31/05/2021 13:32

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

Oh ok well at least you know you still fancy him and can still enjoy sex with him. So that’s positive.

He sounds a bit immature in a laddish sex comment way. Understandable that’s off putting. You are going to have to tell him you don’t like his sex jokes/ innuendos!

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

But that’s the thing, I don’t know if I do still fancy him.

If I did wouldn’t I find his jokes / innuendos funny and still want to have sex....

OP posts:

Doona · 31/05/2021 14:17

If I did wouldn’t I find his jokes / innuendos funny and still want to have sex....

Once I had kids, I found anything cutesy or babyish from my partner a MASSIVE turnoff. Before kids, I was neutral about it. I want a grownup now. Maybe you're the same. He needs to shape up.

TheDiddlyGang · 31/05/2021 14:24

But that’s the thing, I don’t know if I do still fancy him
You said you loved it and couldn’t get enough of him!
Surely you need to fancy someone to get a reaction like that?

If I did wouldn’t I find his jokes / innuendos funny and still want to have sex....
Not necessarily.
We all find different things funny and attractive.
I’d just tell him you thoroughly enjoyed your date lunch, and the sex that followed, but you find the sexual jokes/innuendoes a turn off.
Tell him it makes you feel ‘like a sex piece’ and not valued etc.
Tell him the things he does that do make you feel good and I bet he will probably make an effort to repeat the good stuff and dial down the jokes.

Myrighteyeball · 31/05/2021 15:30

OP, I said "EEWW" out loud when reading your update about comments he makes. They are immature and icky.

The fact you have told him comments like that upset you and he has ignored you makes it worse.

What do you say 'in the moment" when he says things like that? Might a hard stare and telling him you are immediately turned off, then removing yourself from him for a shortish period, work to show him that you find such comments deeply unattractive?

I would love for my husband to want more sex but if he went about it like your DH then my lady parts would turn to ice post haste.

SamW98 · 31/05/2021 15:35

I've been single since Feb 2020 - lockdowns got in the way of meeting anyone new - and I miss sex more than I miss anything else about being in a relationship

I'm finding no sex for 15 months very difficult - I really miss the physical intimacy

newtb · 31/05/2021 15:43

When I was married, yes. Now I'm single 4 yrs later, not so much.