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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:06

@Gazelda

Did you enjoy sex the last time you had it?

How would you feel if your DH said that he wasn't prepared to stay in a sexless marriage?

@Gazelda

Yes, I did. But I’ve had no desire to repeat it.

I’d be heartbroken but I know I can’t realistically expect him to accept that.

OP posts:
SwimBaby · 22/05/2021 17:06

YANBU, it’s easy for you to live without sex, it not easy for others. Your DH could be one of the others and he isn’t U to want a sex life. I’m sure his choice is to have one with you but after a while he look at other options. How old is your baby?

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:07

@Vodkaandballoon

as much as I love my partner I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was completely off the cards.

Why? Wouldn’t you rather just be with the person you love with zero sex, than give up her person for sex with someone else?

OP posts:
Myhairnightmare · 22/05/2021 17:09

Out of curiosity OP. If you are taking sex off the table, would you be happy for your partner to find sex outside the marriage?

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:10

@SwimBaby

How old is your baby?

16 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:10

@Myhairnightmare

Out of curiosity OP. If you are taking sex off the table, would you be happy for your partner to find sex outside the marriage?
@Myhairnightmare

Oh god no. 😣

I know that makes me incredibly selfish doesn’t it.

OP posts:
Myhairnightmare · 22/05/2021 17:11

I'm afraid it does to be honest OP. I think it's your body and you 100% have the right to live a sexless life but that doesn't mean you can choose a sexless life for your DH

myfuckingfreezer · 22/05/2021 17:12

The less you have sex the less you'll want it.

As someone currently getting zero sex, couldn't disagree more Grin

boredbuttercup · 22/05/2021 17:12

[quote Viv08]@Vodkaandballoon

as much as I love my partner I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was completely off the cards.

Why? Wouldn’t you rather just be with the person you love with zero sex, than give up her person for sex with someone else?[/quote]
Could just as easily flip this round on you as say - why wouldn't you just have sex to keep the person you love happy and ensure theyre fulfilled in the relationship and therefore want to continue it? You say you do like it when you do it, just don't crave it, so it's not like you'd be doing something you don't like just to satisfy him. Just making abit of extra effort in one area.

I mean you clearly don't hate sex. You're just not bothered. There's plenty of things I'm not bothered about (sexual and not) that I do in my relationship because my partner likes them and they make him happy fulfilled and I like when he's happy and our relationship is good. Oh and he does exactly the same for me too. We love each other so we do things we're not bothered about to make the other person happy (he gives me a foot rub, I massage his shoulders, he'll watch a romcom with me, I'll go watch him play rugby ect).

Vodkaandballoon · 22/05/2021 17:13

Because if we didn't desire each other sexually then for me something major would be lacking. We have been together a long time and of course we have gone through times when sex has been on the back burner. But to take it out of the equation all together for me takes away a huge part of the bond.

Myhairnightmare · 22/05/2021 17:14

When you enter a relationship with someone and commit to only being with one another emotionally and sexually, you can't really take one (or either) of those off the table and expect your partner to accept that. It's fine if you want to not have sex, it really is but maybe you need to find someone who feels the same way. I'm afraid this kind of thing is quite often why partners stray in relationships.

Fishandhips · 22/05/2021 17:15

@Myhairnightmare

I'm afraid it does to be honest OP. I think it's your body and you 100% have the right to live a sexless life but that doesn't mean you can choose a sexless life for your DH
I agree with this, sex isn't the most important thing in my marriage or life, but if DH said he never wanted it again I would not be content to go the rest of my life without it; I would respect his decision though and hope he would understand why I'd leave.
cushioncovers · 22/05/2021 17:15

Do you still find your dh attractive? Do you enjoy cuddles and closeness but just not sex ?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2021 17:16

[quote Viv08]@Vodkaandballoon

as much as I love my partner I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was completely off the cards.

Why? Wouldn’t you rather just be with the person you love with zero sex, than give up her person for sex with someone else?[/quote]
It isn't just sex though, you don't want to kiss him either, and I suspect there's other intimacies that are off the cards for you too. If you're living with someone and have no physical relationship with them, it becomes friendship. The difference between a relationship and friendship is intimacy.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 22/05/2021 17:16

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex it is just the place you find yourself in. What would be wrong is not to be completely honest with your DH. He needs the full story so he can process it and make a decision moving forward.

SwimBaby · 22/05/2021 17:16

OP for a lot of people sex is like food or even better, not having a sex life is like starving to death. It’s like a piece of them is dying inside, drying up and dying. They feel unloved, unfulfilled, the works is duller, they are not the best version of themselves because they feel irritable and wonder why others have sex and they don’t. And yes people will leave someone they love so they can have sex with someone they love. Or stay with someone they love and have sex with another person (or find another outlet such as porn, webcam, messaging people)

MinesAPintOfTea · 22/05/2021 17:16

Yabu to not work with him back to a place of intimacy. Part of why I am separating from husband is his endless rejection until I no longer felt anything for him.

Tell him you want a massage, or a bath with a glass of wine or whatever to help you get in the mood.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:16

@boredbuttercup

You say you do like it when you do it, just don't crave it, so it's not like you'd be doing something you don't like just to satisfy him

But I would to satisfy him. I’d happily go without.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:17

Last comment should’ve said

But It would be to satisfy him. I’d happily go without.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:19

@cushioncovers

Do you still find your dh attractive? Do you enjoy cuddles and closeness but just not sex ?
@cushioncovers

I don’t know if I find him attractive, I’m driving myself mad with this.
If I found him attractive, wouldn’t I crave sex with him?

OP posts:
Tk5787338 · 22/05/2021 17:19

It’s very important to me; it makes me feel happy, good in myself and a nicer person. I often feel that things I enjoy in life always have a downside of either costing money, being bad for my health or making me feel rubbish the next day yet sex with my DH has no downsides and is just purely good.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 17:19

Telling him he was ridiculous was horrible. What’s wrong with a man trying to connect with his wife in a physical way? What’s wrong with a quickie on the dining table?

The way you describe being so dismissive and unpleasant and going to bed straight after saying it suggests it’s not just lack of shagging that’s wrong in your marriage.

Are you often so rude to the man you married and chose to have a child with?

Yes people often find things change temporarily after a baby but you married your husband for life and unless both parties agree to a sexless marriage in advance of committing, a physical relationship is part of marriage and a normal, healthy thing. It’s even mentioned in the religious vows.

It’s one thing to say you’re not up for it at the moment and expect him to be understanding of that for now but it’s another to suggest that because you’ve gone off it he’s somehow in the wrong to miss it, that he’s immature or gross or ridiculous. That’s just nasty.

If you want to stay married then you need to talk about this openly and be prepared to listen. Dismissing his feelings of wanting to be intimate with his wife is a sure fire way to end up divorced. If that’s what you want then don’t complain when he up and leaves. If you don’t, then remember you sighed up to be part of a team, to care about each other’s feelings. To love, respect and cherish each other.

It sounds like he’s trying his best to hold up his side. What are you doing or prepared to do?

Would you mind if he slept with someone else? If so then you know it’s actually a big deal.

therocinante · 22/05/2021 17:22

[quote Viv08]@Vodkaandballoon

as much as I love my partner I couldn't stay in a relationship where sex was completely off the cards.

Why? Wouldn’t you rather just be with the person you love with zero sex, than give up her person for sex with someone else?[/quote]
For some people (me included) sex is PART of romantic love.

Romantic love is distinguished from other types of intense, long-standing love in part by the physical and emotional intimacy that comes with sex. It's something I do with my partner and nobody else, it makes us feel connected.

So the person I love also = sexual partner. Otherwise they'd be a very good friend. I'm not saying 'oh it has to be 4 times a week' - DH and I have been through periods in recent years where it was once a month due to illness - but it absolutely was never taken off the table entirely and always with a view that it wasn't a permanent situation.

Neither of us would have wanted that and neither of us are willing to stay in a sexless marriage (right now, anyway - maybe as we get older?), because as much as we love one another, that love includes being a sexual partner.

Is the sex you do have good and fulfilling?

moofolk · 22/05/2021 17:23

As a few PP have said, it's easy to fall out of the habit and forget you like it. Often if you haven't done it for ages you forget how good it is.

And it's obviously well known that babies and tiredness are massive passion killers.

Also of course, nobody should ever pressure another person into doing it. Not wanting to is as valid a reason as any fir not having sex.

However if you liked it before you may well like it again.

Why don't you set some time aside and try? You may well remember why you liked it before ...

boredbuttercup · 22/05/2021 17:23

But that's what I mean!

You asked someone why they couldn't just forgo sex to stay with someone they love. I flipped it round on you and said why won't you have sex (which you clearly don't dislike, just cba for) to stay with someone you love?

You say yourself you'd be heartbroken if he did leave you or have sex with someone else. So I'm asking why you won't make a little effort to do something you enjoy once you get into it, to satisfy him, even though you would happily go without.

And I compared it to many other things in relationships that one person makes the effort to do to make the other happy even though they'd happily go without. Like massages, or taking an interest in the others hobby ect. After all, aren't relationships about give and take?

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