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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:
Silvergreen · 22/05/2021 19:06

"DH & I get along really really well. We’re a good team. I’m happy with him and I love him."

Then why are you writing here for comments and advice?

Is this the only relationship you've had? Being repelled by the thought of kissing your partner isn't love. I would be devastated if my partner treated me like this with no acknowledgement of anything being wrong or commitment to improving things.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 19:07

@TheDiddlyGang

I have to be honest, I couldn’t cope if I went 16 months without sex. I’d end up getting it elsewhere.

It may not be important to you, but it is really important to a lot of people and from the sounds of it I would include your DH in that statement.

And the dining table incident, if I said that to my DH and he responded ‘don’t be ridiculous’ I would be really hurt and embarrassed.

@TheDiddlyGang

Well we have had sex twice so it’s not completely nothing, and I did give him oral on his birthday (lucky DH eh...)

I’m finding it really surprising at the amount of people that say they would get it elsewhere.

I do feel for my DH right now, I know my lack of interest in intimacy must be hard on him.

OP posts:
Myhairnightmare · 22/05/2021 19:16

I'm surprised that you are surprised someone would find it elsewhere. What do you expect him to do? Just spend the rest of his life without sex? The next forty, fifty, sixty years? I'm sorry OP but if you're not showing your partner any affection and he wants it, then your marriage is not a happy one. Not on his part anyway. I 100% guarantee your husband will eventually look for sex with someone else. As you have a child together, he might well decide to stay with you for the sake of his child but he WILL find it elsewhere, one way or another. I think you should prepare yourself for that. It seems a bit to me like you don't want him but you also don't want anyone else to have him either.

helpfulperson · 22/05/2021 19:19

There is an awful lot of I in your posts. You are happy with no sex, you are happy in your marriage. How does he feel or have you not asked him?

If I was him it would be crossing my mind that you only wanted me to have a child.

Hawkins001 · 22/05/2021 19:19

I think it varies on desire or even the drive for the business so to speak.

TheDiddlyGang · 22/05/2021 19:21

Well we have had sex twice so it’s not completely nothing, and I did give him oral on his birthday (lucky DH eh...)
In 16 months?
I start to feel upset if we go longer than a couple of weeks without sex.

I don’t mean to be unkind, but I am in agreement with some PPs, you need to be aware that if he wants sex he won’t tolerate this forever.
He will either end up leaving or he will fulfill his need for sex elsewhere.

I’m finding it really surprising at the amount of people that say they would get it elsewhere
But that is because you aren’t feeling the desire for it.
If you want it and aren’t getting it it is a strong, instinctive urge.
You feel irritable and frustrated without it, you feel lonely and unloved.
It’s really awful.
Very, very few people can live happily in a sexless or near sexless marriage.
A lot of people in those marriages will still love their partner and not want to leave, so they end up getting it elsewhere.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 19:22

@helpfulperson

There is an awful lot of I in your posts. You are happy with no sex, you are happy in your marriage. How does he feel or have you not asked him?

If I was him it would be crossing my mind that you only wanted me to have a child.

@helpfulperson

We’ve been together for 14 years. We have one child who is 16 months....

If I wanted him for a child I think I would be had one much sooner.

OP posts:
Wegobshite · 22/05/2021 19:23

Your surprised at so many people saying that they would get it elsewhere ...
You only have to look at websites like fab swingers Tinder & adultwork to know that there are a lot of people looking for sex and hook ups elsewhere

NCtilidie · 22/05/2021 19:26

I can't imagine feeling like this. Sex is important to me. It's an expression of our love. It shows he still fancies me. It's something just for us and no one else.

I know it's not important to some people but I can't imagine a sexless marriage. I would have to leave! I'm pregnant with a 14 month old, both work full time and we still have sex at least twice a week. Even if it's quick, it's still cuddly and fun.

I don't think you're being unreasonable not to want sex, but it sounds like you and your husband might be incompatible.

starsparkle08 · 22/05/2021 19:29

I don’t think you should compromise and have sex just to please him at all . That shows you value him over yourself .
If you would like things to be different you could try couples counselling, if not he needs to accept you as you are or gently move on .

starsparkle08 · 22/05/2021 19:29

Sex isn’t important to me either but I’m single and want to stay that way x

NeverForgetYourDreams · 22/05/2021 19:30

Late 40s here and married 20 years and we haven't done anything this year. Doesn't bother either of us. If I never did it again I wouldn't care.

newnortherner111 · 22/05/2021 19:31

I expect there are many people, I'd guess more women than men, for whom sex is not that important. For many different reasons.

For you I think communication with your DH is important.

cookiecreampie · 22/05/2021 19:33

I couldn't do without sex. We do it about 5 nights a week. My DH would never pressure me into it but on nights where I've been a bit tired and he's been horny I've had always quickly got into the sex as it began. I don't think you should have sex if you really don't want to, but if you think you could make a bit of effort, you might enjoy it and want It more.

YouShouldLeave · 22/05/2021 19:34

Threads like these goes to show we haven’t moved much from the dark ages.

Myhairnightmare · 22/05/2021 19:36

@YouShouldLeave

Threads like these goes to show we haven’t moved much from the dark ages.
I think this is unfair. A person has every right to not have sex and a person should have control over their body but they can't control others. You cannot take sex off the table in a marriage and expect the other person to just be ok doing without. It doesn't work like that, regardless of what decade we're in.
year5teacher · 22/05/2021 19:37

It’s up to you to not be fussed about sex - it’s totally your right not to want it, but if my DP and I had only had sex twice in over a year and he called me ridiculous for suggesting it, I would be really hurt.

You might say he laughed it off but I actually really don’t think that’s on.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 22/05/2021 19:38

Dead relationship glued together with a baby.
Much as you dont like this description OP, it seems accurate. Without sex/intimacy, all you have is a friendship, not a relationship. (Unless you both agree that you are no longer sexual beings.)

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 19:38

@NCtilidie

It shows he still fancies me.

I don’t need to have sex for reassurance that my husband fancies me though.

OP posts:
Livpool · 22/05/2021 19:38

Sex is important to me and DH. I think you need to speak to your husband

JumperooSue · 22/05/2021 19:39

@YouShouldLeave

Threads like these goes to show we haven’t moved much from the dark ages.
Genuinely interested to know what you mean by this?
Ginuwine · 22/05/2021 19:42

@Viv08

If you have drawn a firm conclusion that you no longer want sex anymore, ever.. and your DH does (despite being "ridiculous" for his suggestion etc)...

How do you see this playing out? I mean honestly?

Do you think he'll just slot into your way of thinking?

Do you believe there'll be more inappropriate moments where he'll suggest passionate clinches in odd places and you'll rebuff him?

If so, where do you see this ending? Will he just acquiesce to your way or thinking?

In short:

Do you see at all the scenario that he could leave you?

Stroopwaffle5000 · 22/05/2021 19:43

I totally understand OP. I enjoy it when I have it (well, the foreplay bit) but I never crave it and there's usually a bunch of other stuff I'd rather do instead. I could happily go without.

Ginuwine · 22/05/2021 19:45

[quote Viv08]@NCtilidie

It shows he still fancies me.

I don’t need to have sex for reassurance that my husband fancies me though.[/quote]

I just read this @Viv08 and I feel like your whole approach to your DH is stubbornly taciturn.

You don't kiss him. Ok.

You don't want to have sex with him. Fair enough.

How do you then communicate love to each other? Is it by being present in each other's lives? The tasks etc? The moments on the sofa watching TV together or having dinner?

None of that is being rubbished by me. I'm just trying to see how you show affection to your DH, and how he makes you feel attractive without kissing or touching.

TheDiddlyGang · 22/05/2021 19:48

I don’t need to have sex for reassurance that my husband fancies me though
But what about your DH...?
It’s not all about you!
There’s a good chance your DH does feel that way.
I certainly would feel like my DH no longer fancied me if he no longer wanted sex.

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