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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 22/05/2021 17:23

@araiwa

Your husband clearly disagrees

So what will you do about that?

@araiwa I really hope you're not suggesting that OP should have sex against her wishes, to keep a man happy. No one should do that
SmileyClare · 22/05/2021 17:24

I think sex builds intimacy, trust, helps you connect emotionally. It's also about fulfilling your partner's desires.

It sounds as though you're ambivalent about sex; you say you enjoy it when you do it but just can't be bothered..
You may he tried or stressed with a baby and find your sex drive improves in time.

However, I would make an effort to fit sex into your relationship. I see it a bit like going for a run sometimes. I can't really be bothered but if I make an effort and go running, I really enjoy it and feel fantastic afterwards.

If there are deeper issues in your relationship, you don't mention your feelings towards your husband, then you need to question whether your marriage can work as a platonic arrangement.

Continually rejecting your husband sexually with no explanation will cause big issues.

Flowers500 · 22/05/2021 17:25

I’m really sorry but it sounds like the marriage is over, very few people would be happy to accept never having a sexual or romantic relationship again. If you want to just be coparents it might be better to say that before the resentment starts

AtoZed · 22/05/2021 17:25

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table

What a turn-on! Hmm

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:28

@MinesAPintOfTea

Tell him you want a massage, or a bath with a glass of wine or whatever to help you get in the mood.

Do you know, maybe this is part of the problem..
mood...

We can spend all day running around with DC, cooking, cleaning etc.
Then on an evening DH might suggest a quickie, which is just so off putting.
There’s just no “romance” to it. No intimacy, nothing to get me “there”.
It’s just from the mind of a busy exhausted mum to oh let’s have sex...

OP posts:
lostitall · 22/05/2021 17:29

I hate this phrase but it sounds more like a DH issue

thepeopleversuswork · 22/05/2021 17:29

From a personal standpoint I cannot imagine why anyone would want the grief and lack of freedom of a marriage without sex. Sex isn’t everything but it’s the reason why you would put yourself through all the other nonsense that comes with a LTR. Without sex I would far prefer to be single.

But that’s me: clearly you don’t see it like that.

I was going to say don’t underestimate the impact of just having had a baby but it sounds as if you have never really wanted it much.

I do think there’s a fairly serious incompatibility here. For a person who loves sex, taking sex off the table is sort of like buying a house but not having the right to live in it. You should talk to him but I have to say I wouldn’t be hopeful you will be able to get this past him.

boredbuttercup · 22/05/2021 17:30

@notanothertakeaway

  • @araiwa I really hope you're not suggesting that OP should have sex against her wishes, to keep a man happy. No one should do that*

There's a difference between doing something actively against your wishes to keep someone happy vs doing something you're not bothered about but you know the person you love wants, and therefore as a kind and caring partner doing it for them because they'd do similar for you. After all, part of loving someone is wanting them do be happy and fulfilled. And OP has said herself that she enjoys sex once she does it, just cba.

It wouldn't bother me if I was in a relationship with a guy who never wanted to receive oral Sex. Giving oral sex does nothing for me and I'd happily do without. But my partner enjoys it, it makes him happy, and it's not something I hate doing, so I do it to make him happy. And he does the same for me. Relationships are about give and take. And this is an example of that.

BooksChocolateAndSleep · 22/05/2021 17:33

It's certainly ok to feel the way you do but will your husband be happy to be in a sexless marriage forever? Would you care if he left you for someone else? I could probably live without sex but I couldn't be in a relationship without affection.

I do find that the more I do it the more I want it and if we have a couple of weeks without sex I have to force myself to do it again.

I think you will find this becomes a big thing in your relationship.

GiraffeBirdLion · 22/05/2021 17:37

May I ask if your periods have returned yet? My sex drive improved when mine came back. I feel more in the mood during ovulation and my period.

DinosaurDiana · 22/05/2021 17:38

I’ve hit peri menopause and don’t want sex anymore.
I forced myself to make the effort, thinking that I had to try and get back into it, but I didn’t enjoy it. Occasionally I DIY, but that’s it.
I would have never have thought I would say it but yes, I can live without sex.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:42

@GiraffeBirdLion

May I ask if your periods have returned yet? My sex drive improved when mine came back. I feel more in the mood during ovulation and my period.
@GiraffeBirdLion

Yes a few months ago now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:45

@AnneLovesGilbert

Telling him he was ridiculous was horrible. What’s wrong with a man trying to connect with his wife in a physical way? What’s wrong with a quickie on the dining table?

Well, when we barely have sex and I hardly feel like want to, a quickie on the dining table isn’t enticing...

OP posts:
Shelovesamystery · 22/05/2021 17:45

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄
I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed

OP this is so mean, I bet you made him feel like absolute shit. I'd feel so rejected and humiliated if I suggested sex with DH and he told me I was being ridiculous and went to bed. You could have thought about his feelings and phrased the rejection better.

Are you open with him about your lack of libido? My libido seems to have dropped off the face of the earth recently but I'm completely honest with dh about it, we talk about it often. I tell him that I'm worried it will never come back, we make jokes about it etc. He knows it's probably just a hormonal thing that is (hopefully) only temporary so it hasn't caused any problems in our relationship. I think that it's really important to talk about it, so that he knows that it's not because you've fallen out of love or don't fancy him etc and you know how he's feeling about it.

And to echo others, you have every right to not want or have sex ever again but you have no right to decide that your dh will never have sex again.

SwimBaby · 22/05/2021 17:46

Could you talk to your DH and say you’d like a bit of romance and a quickie isn’t doing it for you at the moment.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2021 17:47

It’s just from the mind of a busy exhausted mum to oh let’s have sex... I can identify with this. If DH walks past and gives me a kiss, we sit together after the kids are in bed and talk and cuddle, if we lie in bed and cuddle and talk I'm more likely to have sex than if we've spent all night doing our own things, climbed into bed and then he makes a move. But I can instigate the intimacy that will make me want sex which I know DH wants, and I can tell him he has to do those things. You can too if you want but it has to be something you want to work on

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 17:48

@Shelovesamystery

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄 I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed

OP this is so mean, I bet you made him feel like absolute shit. I'd feel so rejected and humiliated if I suggested sex with DH and he told me I was being ridiculous and went to bed. You could have thought about his feelings and phrased the rejection better.

Are you open with him about your lack of libido? My libido seems to have dropped off the face of the earth recently but I'm completely honest with dh about it, we talk about it often. I tell him that I'm worried it will never come back, we make jokes about it etc. He knows it's probably just a hormonal thing that is (hopefully) only temporary so it hasn't caused any problems in our relationship. I think that it's really important to talk about it, so that he knows that it's not because you've fallen out of love or don't fancy him etc and you know how he's feeling about it.

And to echo others, you have every right to not want or have sex ever again but you have no right to decide that your dh will never have sex again.

@Shelovesamystery

I know, it was mean.

I have told DH I don’t feel like sex, I think he’s pretty aware of that given the little sex we’ve had over the last 16 months.

But I’ve also told him before that I feel we need to work on intimacy.
Some time cuddling, kissing etc, before we just jump straight into that sort of thing.

I also just couldn’t imagine having sex on a table with him (which is bizarre as we’ve done that so many times before)

OP posts:
daytrogen · 22/05/2021 17:48

It’s fair enough if you can live without it and so can your partner. But if you’re sex drives are incompatible you can’t expect to stay together. I’m a single mum and I honestly don’t know whether I will have sex again, at least until my DC grow up as it’s never been that important to me. But for some people that’s completely different.

feelingcold3 · 22/05/2021 17:51

Sex is not essential like food and oxygen, so of course anyone can live without it if they really have to.

But for some people, a life with no intimacy via a healthy sex life is a miserable one. Having sexual desire but a partner who doesn't want to have sex with you is shit - it makes you feel crap and lonely. Of course you have the right to not have sex if you don't want to, but it's unreasonable to expect your partner to live a celibate life if he doesn't want that. If you don't want sex again, I'm sorry to say your relationship probably won't last long.

boredbuttercup · 22/05/2021 17:56

In your OP you said

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

But then you've said

  • But I’ve also told him before that I feel we need to work on intimacy. Some time cuddling, kissing etc, before we just jump straight into that sort of thing *

So which is it? And also you're not giving him any intimacy. Not kissing him, going to be as soon as the kids are. Yes you may not have wanted to shag on the table but you could've suggested cuddling in front of the tv instead, instead you just laughed at him and walked away, I'm feeling quite sorry for your H to be honest.

MinesAPintOfTea · 22/05/2021 17:56

So is there something that helps with mood? Positive suggestions with DH will probably get you further than calling him disgusting

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 18:00

@boredbuttercup

you could've suggested cuddling in front of the tv instead, instead you just laughed at him and walked away,

I didn’t laugh at him (not sure where you’ve taken that from)

@MinesAPintOfTea

Positive suggestions with DH will probably get you further than calling him disgusting

I didn’t call him disgusting (not sure where you have taken that from either)

OP posts:
MilduraS · 22/05/2021 18:01

I could easily live without it but DH needs physical intimacy in a relationship so we wouldn't survive without it. He doesn't know but I note when we have sex on my phone so I can tell how long it's been. Without a record, I could easily go several months without noticing. I'm never really in the mood for sex but once we start, I really enjoy it. The only issue is that sometimes he can take a long time to finish so it puts me off initiating it during the working week and when I'd rather get an extra hours sleep.

MinesAPintOfTea · 22/05/2021 18:05

Sorry, I meant ridiculous. In any event something that will make him feel small and rejected and damaged the intimacy between you.

At least “not tonight, I have a headache” doesn’t damage his confidence.

Bourbonandcoke · 22/05/2021 18:05

God no, I need sex regularly or else I get antsy.