Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:
therocinante · 22/05/2021 19:50

OP, you said there's no real physical affection. Do you mean you don't hug, don't give his side a quick squeeze as you walk past, lie with your legs over each other on the sofa, that kind of thing?

You say he knows you don't want sex because you haven't really had it - he is probably assuming this is temporary because of the baby. Assuming that's not the case and you're actually no longer interested in intimacy of any kind with him, you need to be very honest with him in saying that. Otherwise in 2 or 3 years when he is finally realising you're not changing your mind he's going to be devastated he could have been moving on.

Of course, maybe he will be perfectly happy to have a sexless marriage forever - you say you would be, so it can't be impossible. But right now he doesn't know that's what he's in.

Vetyveriohohoh · 22/05/2021 19:52

Is it important to him? If it is, this is really sad for him. If it was my relationship I would leave. A sexless marriage is not something I would want to accept. A couple of times in 16months is absolutely a sexless marriage. Have you had a conversation about it?

kavalkada · 22/05/2021 19:55

I could live in a marriage without sex, but I couldn't live in a marriage without physical affection. It would destroy me. I can imagine myself crying every night and thinking I must ran away from that marriage if I want to save my sanity.

I have been with my husband for ten years and we had some long dry spells in our marriage because I was ill, but not a day passes where we do not kiss, hug, cuddle, even if it is just for a minute. And yes, we have two small kids and haven't slept a good night's sleep since our daughter was born two years ago.

BertramLacey · 22/05/2021 19:56

Why? Wouldn’t you rather just be with the person you love with zero sex, than give up her person for sex with someone else?

For me, love and sex are intertwined. I can have sex without love but a loving, romantic relationship for me includes sex. It's the closest I can ever be to my partner, literally and figuratively. I would feel incredibly rejected if he said we would never be having sex again. I would also hate it if he had sex with me out of some kind of obligation. So it would affect the love between us if we never had sex again.

Now it's fine if you have a different view of sex and do not view it as important. However, it is unfair if your partner feels differently and you do not make your feelings clear to him so that he can make a choice. It may be that whilst sex is important to him, he's happy to be with you without it. It may not be the case.

In case anyone does think we're back in the Dark Ages, I'm female and my partner is male. We're both clear that neither of us should ever feel obliged to have sex but also that sex is important within our relationship.

Lactarius · 22/05/2021 20:00

[quote Viv08]@NCtilidie

It shows he still fancies me.

I don’t need to have sex for reassurance that my husband fancies me though.[/quote]
Maybe he needs it to show that you still fancy him. Everything in your posts is about "I" and you have given no indication as to his feelings. It appears that he's in a marriage where there is no intimacy at all and he is clearly wanting some.

If you don't want to give it then you'll have to live with the consequences if he takes action to get it elsewhere.

SadieCow · 22/05/2021 20:07

In fairness your posts are all about your feelings?

What about your DHs feeling of rejection and not feeling fulfilled?

Is that not important to you?

I think a sexless marriage is so unreasonable if it's only a good be sided thing.

You're breaking the contract, not him.

SpnBaby1967 · 22/05/2021 20:08

Due to an ongoing illness I havent been able to have sex, we've managed once since about the end of March. I always thought I wouldnt miss sex and could take it or leave it. Actually it turns out that isn't the case. I couldn't have no sex, I just dont need regular sex.

I'm insanely in love with my husband though, and he's been amazing during all this.

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 22/05/2021 20:13

Hi OP, I'm very similar. We have 2 kids aged 6 & 4, since the 4yo was born we've had sex I think maybe 5 times?! I don't really care but feel like I should. I think husband feels similarly. We do sometimes talk about we really should have sex. We don't have any intimacy either and it's hard to think about going from not kissing or cuddling to having sex. I am quite worried I've friend zoned my husband. Intimacy would feel almost inappropriate. At first. But then I'd get more into it. I don't fancy anyone else, we're a good home and parenting team, we share values, we have a nice life. I often wonder what will happen when the children are older. I don't know anyone else like this and mumsnet makes me feel worse about it usually.

tuttifuckinfruity · 22/05/2021 20:14

I feel the same as you, OP.

I don't know the answer.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 20:14

@Ginuwine

How do you then communicate love to each other?

I guess the things we do for one another, we compliment each other and we tell each other love you..

@therocinante

OP, you said there's no real physical affection. Do you mean you don't hug, don't give his side a quick squeeze as you walk past, lie with your legs over each other on the sofa, that kind of thing?

There’s no intimacy... we don’t have sex.

We hug, hold hands, we will cuddle whilst we watch a film.

It’s just when we cuddle he will say, let’s have a kiss, which i don’t want to because I know where
It’s expected to lead.

OP posts:
Allthereindeersaregirls · 22/05/2021 20:18

I feel the same as you OP.

I fully expect DH to leave me at some point. But if I have sex just to keep him I'll end up resenting him so the outcome is same either way.

Whysolong7 · 22/05/2021 20:19

Could you find a middle ground? When I’m not in the mood for sex - post kids / high work load etc. I become the queen of the in shower hand job or surprise bj. He’s delighted- 5 mins of my time and little effort and everyone feels happy. Then we go back to our normal sex life.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 20:21

@SadieCow

You're breaking the contract, not him.

Contract.. Confused

Is that what a marriage is, a contract to have sex with that person for the duration of the marriage, even when you don’t feel like it...

Shit.... I should’ve read the terms and conditions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 20:24

@Orangeinmybluelightcup

Hi OP, I'm very similar. We have 2 kids aged 6 & 4, since the 4yo was born we've had sex I think maybe 5 times?! I don't really care but feel like I should. I think husband feels similarly. We do sometimes talk about we really should have sex. We don't have any intimacy either and it's hard to think about going from not kissing or cuddling to having sex. I am quite worried I've friend zoned my husband. Intimacy would feel almost inappropriate. At first. But then I'd get more into it. I don't fancy anyone else, we're a good home and parenting team, we share values, we have a nice life. I often wonder what will happen when the children are older. I don't know anyone else like this and mumsnet makes me feel worse about it usually.
@Orangeinmybluelightcup

Well now you know me, because this sounds so similar to my marriage.

I don’t fancy anyone else either.

I completely understand what you mean that it feels almost inappropriate to have sex.
I’ve felt like that and I really think it’s because we’ve gone such a long time with very little sex that it now feels strange!

OP posts:
Vetyveriohohoh · 22/05/2021 20:25

But what does he think OP? All of your posts are all about you.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 20:27

@Whysolong7

Could you find a middle ground? When I’m not in the mood for sex - post kids / high work load etc. I become the queen of the in shower hand job or surprise bj. He’s delighted- 5 mins of my time and little effort and everyone feels happy. Then we go back to our normal sex life.
@Whysolong7

I would, but DH would then have to touch me or want ask me to get naked etc and that’s the part I don’t like.

Sometimes I just feel so touched out.

OP posts:
SadieCow · 22/05/2021 20:27

@Viv08 yeah I think marriage means sex? Not like every time you have to be up for it and it's ok to say "not tonight", but it's not ok to say "not ever".

My opinion and that's what I feel.

friedafried · 22/05/2021 20:27

It's a piece of cake, it's only sex.

Orangeinmybluelightcup · 22/05/2021 20:28

@Viv08 your last line, yes that's what I think. We tried for a while to have Saturday sex but fell off that wagon on week 3 I think! And sex shouldn't be a wagon! So we are where we are.

Original poster
Viv08 · 22/05/2021 20:28

@Vetyveriohohoh

But what does he think OP? All of your posts are all about you.
@Vetyveriohohoh

He just says he understands and doesn’t say much else about it.

OP posts:
SadieCow · 22/05/2021 20:28

*I would, but DH would then have to touch me or want ask me to get naked etc and that’s the part I don’t like.

*Your marriage is over!

Your DH doesn't want this, it's not fair to subject him to this.

End it.

Vetyveriohohoh · 22/05/2021 20:31

Feels like you’re both burying your head in the sand. Unless he’s happy to be celibate then the kindest thing to do it openly give him the choice to leave. I’d be heart broken if my DH didn’t want me and even if I tried to except it, it would just erode my confidence over time.

Vetyveriohohoh · 22/05/2021 20:31

Accept not except, sorry

mummypie17 · 22/05/2021 20:32

Since becoming parents, neither myself nor DH have much of a sex drive. However, even though I don't particularly crave sex, I do enjoy it when DH initiates.

SadieCow · 22/05/2021 20:32

@Viv08 how would you feel if he broke the fidelity part of the contract? Would you check the terns and conditions for that?