To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

@Viv08

Criticising the small details of my post (calling someone ridiculous and walking away isn't far off laughing and walking away) rather than the actual point won't help you here. The point is your DH suggested sex and you could've suggested a cuddle/intimacy instead but instead you walked away.

And in one post you said you barely want to kiss him and then say in another you need more kissing/cuddling/intimacy, so which is it?

@boredbuttercup

And in one post you said you barely want to kiss him and then say in another you need more kissing/cuddling/intimacy, so which is it?

That’s how I feel. I barely kiss him right now.
But if I had to choose between a quickie or having a kiss / cuddle. I’d choose kissing.

I find it difficult to get in the mood OP. I've found it easier as mine have gotten a little older.

I often feel wiped out with how much of myself I am expected to give to the kids and at work that my husbands (and my) needs come at the bottom of the list. I find it really difficult to flip between being a mum, being a manager in a workplace where I have to be 'on' all the time and then suddenly having to feel sexy.

Luckily my husband is understanding. The key here is communication.

I don't 100% know the answer op but I don't want you to feel alone x it's more normal than other poster on here will make you feel it is.

Oh dear OP, this is a bad situation.
You are of course entitled to not want sex, that is your right.
But for most people - including, I would think, your DH - sex is an important part of marriage. Otherwise you're just living with a good friend.
If you remain as you are, your DH will have a terrible decision to make: live in a sexless marriage; or leave the relationship, leave the woman he loves, break up his family.

Posted too soon: Eventually he will choose to leave.

Well I haven’t had it in 4 years but then I’m single.

There’s no harm at all in not wanting sex but it sounds like you need to properly communicate to him what you’re feeling.

We’re all different, for me sex is essential. Without it we’d just feel like friends. You need to bring the romance back to the relationship not just the sex, try to set a date night a week when the baby is in bed.

I think you need to keep telling him you want intimacy and foreplay, but at the same time if you don't like kissing that is difficult.
I do get what you mean by feeling then not being in the mood.
You say you would be heartbroken if he left, so I think you need to communicate with each other and remember to be kind. Yes the whole table comment isn't the most romantic But equally telling him he is ridiculous isn't going to help.

I have told DH I don’t feel like sex, I think he’s pretty aware of that given the little sex we’ve had over the last 16 months that's not really talking about it though is it, its not explaining to him what is going on with you and giving him the chance to tell you how he feels about it.

I get that you want a bit of foreplay to get you in the mood, quickies aren't your thing, that's absolutely fine. So when DH suggested a quickie on the dining table it would have been a perfect opportunity to explain this to him and the two of you to to talk about your sex life, but instead you called him ridiculous and walked off. You didn't resolve anything, you just made him feel like shit.

*feeling tired

I couldn't be in a sexless marriage.

I feel no shame in that, I think (and so does DH) it's a great and wonderful part of a relationship.

I agree to a certain degree, I've got 2 wee ones and I'm just always knackered. I don't want to go without it forever though as I do enjoy it.

I think I cld count on one hand how times we've had sex since she's been born and is nearly 18 months. The pill has a big effect on my libido though which is ironic as I'm on it but don't have sex but if I came off it I'd want it 😆

The big issue for me though is that it's painful. This happened after my first born and it only got better with regular sex when we were trying for baby number2.

Every time we do it I think we need to make more effort then but just fall bk into being knackered and Cani be bothered. Luckily my dh is also knackered so at the moment it's not an issue but I do want to get bk to normal in that dept once I'm getting more sleep etc.

Dead relationship glued together with a baby.

@Silvergreen

Dead relationship glued together with a baby.

@Silvergreen

Perhaps that’s your perception of my marriage.

It’s not dead. With exception of the intimacy, my marriage is really happy.

DH & I get along really really well. We’re a good team. I’m happy with him and I love him.

I just don’t feel like sex is important to me.

Darling girl, I am old now. I have an account here because having never had a MIL I didn’t know how to be a good one and asked a question.
I completely empathise with you. I felt as you do and it caused soo many problems in my relationship. In retrospect after many years I would say that two potential issues are responsible. Either you love your man but he’s a shit lover or there are issues in your relationship.
Sex should be a beautiful release and a joy. Does he pressure you? My husband pressured me constantly and told me I was frigid. I was bloody frigid because he made no effort to arouse me, he forbade me to touch myself and he insisted that there was something wrong with me if I didn’t orgasm when he did. He is my first and only lover. He also wanted me to parade around in skimpy underwear which I had a hard time with because sex had become something I felt was a chore and didn’t look forward to.
When I see that people enjoy their bodies and have partners who are focused on pleasing them my heart aches.
I blamed myself because he blamed me, I thought I was broken. I mourne the sex I might have had. Don’t be me. X

[quote Viv08]@boredbuttercup

And in one post you said you barely want to kiss him and then say in another you need more kissing/cuddling/intimacy, so which is it?

That’s how I feel. I barely kiss him right now.
But if I had to choose between a quickie or having a kiss / cuddle. I’d choose kissing.[/quote]
Does he know this? And is that I'd like it or if I was held at knife point and made to choose?

DH & I get along really really well. We’re a good team. I’m happy with him and I love him that would describe me living with my best mate and our kids. I think if all you have left is friendship then it's not a marriage anymore, not at this age with decades ahead of you

It totally depends on the individual. I love it when DH comes at me all in the mood, but that's just because sex is important to me as a person and thankfully it is for him as well so although sex is definitely not the absolute cornerstone of our marriage, it's important to us both.
It's totally fine for it not to be important to you, but I think the problem you'll have is that it clearly is important to DH and that could cause issues. I think you definitely need to communicate about and discuss this so that you both know where you stand.

The thing is OP if you won’t or don’t want to have sex with your husband it’s pretty likely he will find someone to have sex with him .
And it may just be sex or it may be someone he connects with and wants to be with - more than he wants to put up with a sexless marriage ,
If he’s a relatively young healthy male this is pretty much what will happen .
You may not even realise that he’s having sex with someone else as he may not want to end the relationship but it’s a something that I’ve seen happening time and time again
And the wife is all confused and hurt but it’s pretty obvious that very few men are happy to stay in a relationship with no sex or intimate connections .
A friend said to me once that refusing sex with her husband was the only thing she felt she could control

• That’s how I feel. I barely kiss him right now. But if I had to choose between a quickie or having a kiss / cuddle. I’d choose kissing *

That doesn't sound like you want to kiss him. More like you'd rather kiss than have sex but would actually rather do neither. Do you actually show him any physical affection? Or even any affection at all? Or do you just cohabit at this point?

You picked up one detail of my much longer post.

Since you haven’t had an open, honest conversation about it and respond to him by calling him ridiculous I don’t know how you can say you know your marriage is happy. You might think so because that’s easiest for you but most people don’t like being fobbed off and insulted. So either start thinking about him as he matters too or take your chances.

@boredbuttercup

* That’s how I feel. I barely kiss him right now. But if I had to choose between a quickie or having a kiss / cuddle. I’d choose kissing *

That doesn't sound like you want to kiss him. More like you'd rather kiss than have sex but would actually rather do neither. Do you actually show him any physical affection? Or even any affection at all? Or do you just cohabit at this point?

@boredbuttercup

I’m not sure that I actually show him any physical affection. 😔

I have to be honest, I couldn’t cope if I went 16 months without sex.
I’d end up getting it elsewhere.

It may not be important to you, but it is really important to a lot of people and from the sounds of it I would include your DH in that statement.

And the dining table incident, if I said that to my DH and he responded ‘don’t be ridiculous’ I would be really hurt and embarrassed.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You picked up one detail of my much longer post.

Since you haven’t had an open, honest conversation about it and respond to him by calling him ridiculous I don’t know how you can say you know your marriage is happy. You might think so because that’s easiest for you but most people don’t like being fobbed off and insulted. So either start thinking about him as he matters too or take your chances.

@AnneLovesGilbert

It really wasn’t as bad as you seem to want to make out.

It wasn’t like told him off or shouted at him.

He suggested having sex on the table, said don’t be ridiculous, and shortly after, I went to bed.

He wasn’t upset / hurt. He laughed when at my response and he hasn’t brought it up since.

I understand from an outside POV how it may come across but it definitely was not as bad as you seem to think.

A word of caution... a studded gimp mask can leave nasty score marks, went one is bent over, on a dining room table and they are the devil's own job to polish out.

... so a friend told me ...