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AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!
191

E551 · 20/05/2021 22:05

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 22:09

You need to talk to her. If you can't communicate with your mum, help her avoid spending money on something she thinks will be for your benefit but you don't want, may never use, then you have greater problems than being ungrateful for the thoughtfulness.

She sees it as giving you a lovely home that won't cost you

You see it as loss of a present, irrelevent to you

That's a big chasm in your understanding. So talk to her!

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Feather12 · 20/05/2021 22:11

No, renovations are not a wedding gift. She’s giving you the house. What else could it be? Otherwise why tell you not to buy anything else just yet? Although surely a better gift is letting you choose your own kitchen etc.

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aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2021 22:12

Well it seems like she's struggling to get that you living there won't definitely be happening, so you do need to talk to her, but otherwise I do think you are being somewhat unreasonable to consider the gift "unacceptable". It shouldn't be an obligation to give you anything, so a bad/unwanted gift could never be unacceptable.

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Pottedpalm · 20/05/2021 22:13

What would you like her to give you?

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Saz12 · 20/05/2021 22:14

OP, it does sound pretty grabby to be saying that you’d Mum isn’t giving you an “acceptable” wedding gift.
Maybe you would prefer bed linen or wine glasses or whatever. But she is giving you a huge financial advantage in letting you live in her (newly renovated!) house. From the way you posted, it sounds like she’s also intending giving you a sentimental, personal item. I just can’t see why you’d be disappointed or expect more?

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Twitchynose · 20/05/2021 22:14

I’m a bit confused as to why giving you something “sentimental” isn’t an adequate wedding gift? Was she directly telling you that the renovations were her gift, or that she’d rather spend money on making a house that you are going to be living in for a while more comfortable for you?

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E551 · 20/05/2021 22:17

It would sound that way, definitely, but this house is in her partner’s name, and I would be renting it off her if we were going to move there, for cheap of course. Also I know that this house is to be divided equally between her partner and my brother and I, should anything happen to her. Since Covid she made sure she had a Will in place and sent us all copies in case! Covid’s been quite scary hasn’t it! Also fear of the unknown I suppose in such a strange time.

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shivawn · 20/05/2021 22:17

Honestly there's nothing more off-putting than a bride and groom hung up on what gifts they're going to get.

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BramStoker · 20/05/2021 22:20

Is your Mum contributing a significant amount to the actual wedding? If so then I wouldng expect anything extra beyond the sentimental gift she has mentioned

Regarding the renovations, you just need to talk to her to clarify your plans and whether she is planning them purely because she thinks you will be living there if if she was going to do them anyway

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E551 · 20/05/2021 22:21

@Twitchynose

I’m a bit confused as to why giving you something “sentimental” isn’t an adequate wedding gift? Was she directly telling you that the renovations were her gift, or that she’d rather spend money on making a house that you are going to be living in for a while more comfortable for you?

The something sentimental is definitely adequate. I don’t understand how her telling me that paying to get her house done is also a gift for me, this is what confuses me. And the reason I find it unacceptable is because I’ve never said I would definitely be moving there and have always made it known that I’m actively looking for another house so why is she telling me that she’s getting these things done for my benefit, when in reality it’s not. She was going to get these things done even if I didn’t move there. I’m confused as I feel like I should appreciate and thank her for something that is not needed?
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LagneyandCasey · 20/05/2021 22:21

Whatever the situation with the house, you're a bit presumptuous to expect an extravagant present. 'Something sentimental' sounds lovely.

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E551 · 20/05/2021 22:23

@BramStoker

Is your Mum contributing a significant amount to the actual wedding? If so then I wouldng expect anything extra beyond the sentimental gift she has mentioned

Regarding the renovations, you just need to talk to her to clarify your plans and whether she is planning them purely because she thinks you will be living there if if she was going to do them anyway

No she’s not contributing at all for the wedding
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FOJN · 20/05/2021 22:24

How do you know for certain that she isn't planning to give you the house? It seems odd for her to discourage you from putting an offer in on another house. Presumably she could rent her property out so it would cost her to refurbish it and let you stay there, it doesn't make any sense to be out of pocket and try to stand in the way of you buying your own house.

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Ijustreallywantacat · 20/05/2021 22:24

Unacceptable is a crap word to use here. She's getting you a gift and coming to your wedding. Can't ask for anything more really.

I think you should talk to her about the house, but don't frame it as 'it's an Unacceptable gift. That just sounds petulant.

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E551 · 20/05/2021 22:25

@LagneyandCasey

Whatever the situation with the house, you're a bit presumptuous to expect an extravagant present. 'Something sentimental' sounds lovely.

I agree. Happy with the sentimental. Confused about the renovations.

Must add that I don’t find the collective gifts unacceptable, as in the sentimental item and the renovations, renovations only as they’re for her benefit, as well as mine, IF I was to move to that house.

Definitely happy and think the sentimental gift is acceptable. I brought that bit across wrong, sorry.
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myhobbyisouting · 20/05/2021 22:27

Maybe the sentimental thing is the gift.

The talk about her home improvements was just idle chit chat and nothing to do with your wedding gift.

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E551 · 20/05/2021 22:27

@Ijustreallywantacat

Unacceptable is a crap word to use here. She's getting you a gift and coming to your wedding. Can't ask for anything more really.

I think you should talk to her about the house, but don't frame it as 'it's an Unacceptable gift. That just sounds petulant.

I’d like to add here that she is not coming to the wedding, her choice. I’ve begged for her to come, but no. She’s done bad on my Dad so doesn’t want to face him, to be honest it’s just come to me now why she might possibly want to get the house re-done as a gift to me, we were originally going to move to a caravan on my Dad’s property, possibly a way to persuade me to move there instead, I don’t know.
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Justajot · 20/05/2021 22:29

Isn't letting you live there at a discount the gift, not the renovations?

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NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/05/2021 22:30

@E551

It would sound that way, definitely, but this house is in her partner’s name, and I would be renting it off her if we were going to move there, for cheap of course. Also I know that this house is to be divided equally between her partner and my brother and I, should anything happen to her. Since Covid she made sure she had a Will in place and sent us all copies in case! Covid’s been quite scary hasn’t it! Also fear of the unknown I suppose in such a strange time.

If the house is in her partner's name, there is no way on earth that you will see any share of it - because it's legally his.
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123ZYX · 20/05/2021 22:31

@E551

It would sound that way, definitely, but this house is in her partner’s name, and I would be renting it off her if we were going to move there, for cheap of course. Also I know that this house is to be divided equally between her partner and my brother and I, should anything happen to her. Since Covid she made sure she had a Will in place and sent us all copies in case! Covid’s been quite scary hasn’t it! Also fear of the unknown I suppose in such a strange time.

Separate to the wedding present, this sounds risky.

Presumably her partner could just decide to keep the house if it's in his name?
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Ijustreallywantacat · 20/05/2021 22:31

Well that's a drip feed and a half!

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mnahmnah · 20/05/2021 22:32

Could it be that she’s hoping with the renovations you would decide to buy that house off her?

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FlibbertyGiblets · 20/05/2021 22:33

I think you should say outright that no you will not ever live in the offered house and that they should strike you off their possible tenants list immediately. And that you're sorry to have been party to a misdirection.

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E551 · 20/05/2021 22:34

@Justajot

Isn't letting you live there at a discount the gift, not the renovations?

Possibly, but I have made it clear that my intention is to buy somewhere else if we can.

Her nephew is currently there, has been for the last 2 years, paying the same as what I would be paying so, not trying to sound ungrateful, just stating a fact (so please don’t shoot me!), isn’t really a gift. Obviously if we took the offer I’d be very grateful of having somewhere to stay for cheap while we save, however my Dad has offered us to stay at the caravan on his property for free, this was the original plan if we couldn’t find somewhere else to buy in time.
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StoneofDestiny · 20/05/2021 22:36

Mum, it's not a gift to me to do up your house!
We've decided to move into a caravan temporarily anyway, so if you want to give us a wedding gift I can offer some suggestions if you like. Perhaps some money for us to choose something for our own new house?

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