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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

191 replies

E551 · 20/05/2021 22:05

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

OP posts:

peppermintpat · 22/05/2021 22:13

My mum gave a small amount towards my wedding cost. That was it, no present and I didn't think twice about it.

Hertsgirl10 · 22/05/2021 22:23

Could she be planning on selling you the house with your cut taken off?
Have your ever told her that you would buy her house?

frazzledasarock · 22/05/2021 23:09

Sometimes I feel like people fall over themselves to be nasty on the AIBU threads

OP has said she doesn’t mind about the wedding gift but feels that being asked to supervise a pretty detailed renovation of her mother’s home cannot be considered a ‘wedding gift’

OP’s mother is not contributing to her wedding.

OP’s mother considers this a ‘favour’ and is already talking about repayment ‘a favour for a favour’

The house seems to belong to both OP’s mother and her partner, so there’s no way the house can simply be gifted to OP

OP will be paying rent and bills as well as supervising the renovations and living in building site without a kitchen and bathroom. If she agrees to this.

Also out of curiosity OP what do you suppose will happen if renovations go over budget?

Mummabug18 · 22/05/2021 23:59

Tried to read all posts to ensure I was up to date with the explanations but too lazy.

Firstly, bollocks to all those quickly calling you "grabby" as you have said, MULTIPLE TIMES, the sentimental gift would be all that's needed!

IMO, your mother is feeling guilty about being so cowardly and is doing her best to make herself feel better about refusing to attend your wedding because of HER previous actions.

It's an unnecessary complicated situation which is down to your mum alone so I think your decision to just steer clear and, at most, simply offer to help her with the design of renovations while being absolutely crystal clear that you're NOT going to be living there and stick to your guns (while of course showing you're grateful for her "trying to be of help").

Whatever the situation with her partner and any wills is irrelevant because if she wanted to gift the house to you, she would and you can deal with that if & when but, as it is today (I believe), that's not the case.

As for you calling it unacceptable, you have, also stated MULTIPLE TIMES, that it was, perhaps, not the right word so people need to get off their high horses and shut up about it.

LASTLY, congratulations on upcoming nuptials, I hope all goes well and your mother finds a way of being there for you despite it all. ❤️

Mummabug18 · 23/05/2021 00:04

*unnecessarily complicated...

*your decision to just steer clear is the only way and, at most....

Original poster

E551 · 23/05/2021 00:17

@Hertsgirl10

Could she be planning on selling you the house with your cut taken off? Have your ever told her that you would buy her house?

No, I’ve made it clear I would never buy it off her, she knows there’s too much bad memories for me in that house. That’s why my first choice would be to move into a caravan (should we have to move somewhere temporarily while looking for somewhere else).

OP posts:

Original poster

E551 · 23/05/2021 00:20

@frazzledasarock

Sometimes I feel like people fall over themselves to be nasty on the AIBU threads

OP has said she doesn’t mind about the wedding gift but feels that being asked to supervise a pretty detailed renovation of her mother’s home cannot be considered a ‘wedding gift’

OP’s mother is not contributing to her wedding.

OP’s mother considers this a ‘favour’ and is already talking about repayment ‘a favour for a favour’

The house seems to belong to both OP’s mother and her partner, so there’s no way the house can simply be gifted to OP

OP will be paying rent and bills as well as supervising the renovations and living in building site without a kitchen and bathroom. If she agrees to this.

Also out of curiosity OP what do you suppose will happen if renovations go over budget?

I don’t think it would be allowed to go over budget. Everything would have to go by her first, without a doubt. So thinking of all that she had in mind to be done, it would be quite hard on the budget she’s mentioned. Won’t even say the figure as I know some people will have a go and say the budget is a lot, when in fact (and some sensible people will agree), it’s not near enough to what she would like done to the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

E551 · 23/05/2021 00:22

And again, thanks to all of you who have understood me, taken the time out to actually read what the situation is as a whole, and those who have wished me luck with my wedding. Thank you all x

OP posts:

SilenceIsInvisible · 23/05/2021 04:12

What is an "acceptable wedding gift"?

MyOtherProfile · 23/05/2021 06:52

Wow! Run a mile OP. I bet your dad's caravan is looking very attractive right now.

MyOtherProfile · 23/05/2021 06:53

@SilenceIsInvisible

What is an "acceptable wedding gift"?

Maybe one that is actually a gift that the recipient might benefit from, rather than one that benefits the giver?

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 09:03

OP,

What jumps out at me completely is the idea that your mother wants YOU to manage a huge renovation of HER house and is trying to frame it as a gift.

Renovation like that is nothing but stress and dust so why you would want to be part of that for a temporary renting I have no idea.

You have expertise in this area so for you to manage it all seems like she is being very manipulative to get something that will hugely benefit her.

She won't be renting to anyone else anyway when the renovations are going on.

Her not going to your wedding is appalling.

Live in the caravan, it sounds like a better plan.

There is nothing for you in whzt your mother is offering you.

sqirrelfriends · 23/05/2021 09:34

@billy1966 those are my thoughts exactly.

My impression was that her nephew didn't want to live with the works so she framed it as a "gift" so you might take them on - all while looking like the good guy.

Hertsgirl10 · 23/05/2021 10:12

@E551 well then no this is just weird! It seems very strange that she’s not coming to your wedding too.. I’d stay in the caravan.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/05/2021 12:11

Gosh yes, don't say what the budget is or you'll be inundated with "Your mother is giving you £x,000 worth of renovations to your marital home and it's not good enough? What kind of a grabby cow are you!" responses. Never mind that it isn't your marital home and you weren't planning on living there anyway.

jugOFpimms · 23/05/2021 14:49

OP i would not move in there ,find your own place .Its in her partners name & so its not for you ,so the renovations are not for you they are for them to better the place which is fine.I think it might all go horribly wrong.what does your brother think?

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