AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

[E551]

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

@FlamingoQueen

Yes, new build and for the first 12 months of living there that was like a construction zone! With a 6 month old baby in the middle of the mess. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to move to a property temporarily that again, will be like a construction zone, and in my opinion not to my benefit, although some might disagree and call me entitled!

Thank you for your advice and kind words.

@Killahangilion

I think you’re focusing on the wrong aspect of this.

You’ve obviously taken your dad’s side following their split so maybe you need to explore the reasons more fully, into why she can’t face coming to the wedding?

Children rarely know the ins and outs of their parents relationship. Maybe there’s stuff that you aren’t aware of?

Oh I know the ins and outs, my parent’s split up when I was 5, lived with my Mum until I was 16 and able to move out. I’m 30 now so I am fully aware of what has gone on in the past and how the bitterness persists to this day, for example affecting my wedding day because my Mum does not want to face my Dad because of something she has done when he decided to move back to the area to be close to his family.

@ittakes2

She is offering you a house to live in for free to save money. And she is offering you money to renovate it to your taste. She clearly wants you to live there and save money. You sound very entitled. She doesn't need to buy you anything for your wedding. She wants to get you a sentimental gift - if you are not jumping at her offer to save money maybe you have enough so don't need to save. In this case why are you worried about only getting a sentimental gift? Can I just ask please - is she also contributing financially to the wedding? I am guessing she is.

Please read the thread, or at least the OP's posts.

1. The house isn't rent free

1. The mother isn't contributing a penny towards the wedding.

1. The OP is happy with the sentimental gift.

She isn’t obligated to give you anything.

It tells you something about the mother that she regards her daughter living there and paying rent, even at a reduced rate, as a 'favour', and one that has to be repaid. Surely a favour would be letting a friend of a friend, or a distant cousin you've only seen once in your life, do that. When it's your own daughter surely that's just what a mum does?

I don't think OP is the grabby one here.

OP I really admire how you are viewing the situation and avoiding future problems. You seem really aware of what your mum is likely to do, and your response to her offered ‘gift’ is spot on. Don’t second guess yourself- your gut feeling is right.

I wouldn’t even bother pushing for her to be there on your wedding morning if it’s likely to cause you stress. Do whatever is needed for a nice relaxed day for you.

@OwlBeThere

She isn’t obligated to give you anything.

OP has said the same, so not sure why you have posted this.

The OP's mum is saying she is paying for renovations for the OP, when she isnt. It isnt a gift, it is someone trying to look a certain way when actually they are doing something for themselves to look great. When they cant even put OP first and go to her wedding.

Dreadful

@TopBlogger because I think the fact her mum is willing to let her live a house cheaply and lose out in potential rent, and let OP decide how to renovate is actually quite a nice thing. Call me weird, but this is a total first world problem. And the OP complaining about it is also awful in my opinion.

@OwlBeThere

She won’t be losing out on rent with me there, I’d be paying more, not much more though, than what she’s being paid at the moment. Currently it’s her nephew there (I say her nephew and not my cousin because my brother and I never saw them when we were growing up). Currently he is paying a certain amount, which does not cover all the bills, as she has told me, whereas I would be paying all the bills myself, as well as rent. I’m just saying what I’ve been told so when someone doesn’t get that, neither do I, I’m just going by what I’ve been told.

Yes might be a nice thing to let me renovate how I wish, although it’s not quite as I wish as I was happy to live there and not alter anything (as it would only be temporarily), but she insists she wants these things done so I’ll have to go along with it as it’s her house and her choice, however, I don’t think it should be thrown in my face as a gift when it is not really is it? I’m happy with another gift, such as a vase or picture frame, those are actual gifts, actually for me and my partner. Renovations on her own home, as per her wish, is benefiting her only, yes I may get to choose the kitchen (on a strict budget), and the bathroom, but as some have suggested this might be easy for her as she doesn’t have to deal with the stress, whereas I would, and it is not for my benefit because after the works done, I probably will be on my way out anyway. IF I lived there, which I never implied to her that I certainly would.

@E551

I’d also like to add that when we had spoken about it, I did mention that I wouldn’t be bothered about her changing anything in the house as it would only be temporarily, but she said she’d like to get a new kitchen and maybe get rid of the downstairs bathroom to extend the kitchen (as it is so tiny, ex-council house in a rural area so it’s so small), because her neighbours have done this and she said it looks nice. I said I wasn’t fussed but if she wanted to get it done then it’s up to her as it’s her house.

It's definitely not a gift for you if she was planning on doing it anyway!

@Changechangychange

I think you are getting a hard time because of the word “unacceptable”.

If you had posted “IABU to think that DM doing up her partner’s buy to let, which I have no intention of living in because we are trying to buy our own place, is not really a wedding gift to me” you’d have people queuing up to tell you how unreasonable she was being.

Exactly this!

Yeah, it isn’t really a gift and she shouldn’t pretend it is. She’s renovating her own home, I don’t see how that could ever be considered a gift for someone else even if you do rent it for a short while.

Next time you speak to your mum I would make it clear you won't be moving to her partner's house so not to worry about wasting her money on the renovations for you. (Even though we all know it's not for you as she was going to do it anyway!)

Currently it’s her nephew there (I say her nephew and not my cousin because my brother and I never saw them when we were growing up).

Regardless of your relationship, he is still your cousin.

I have cousins I've never seen. They're still my cousins.

Hell, my brother didn't talk to me for 20 years and in all that time he spoke to me 3 or 4 times. He was still my brother, regardless.

I think there are a lot of toxic family issues at play here which definitely matter more than your wedding present.

Family dynamics can be really difficult. I'm sorry op. I realise this is hard for you.

@OwlBeThere

It’s cruel to minimize someone’s problems by referring to them as ‘first world problems.’ OP clearly has issues with her mum and looking more carefully into her posts shows you that it’s a difficult relationship. She’s not being unreasonable at all.

I would HATE to live in a house while the kitchen was being done up. Takes ages, loads of dust, can’t cook. How is that a gift if it’s not even her house!!

[quote Greenmarmalade]@OwlBeThere

It’s cruel to minimize someone’s problems by referring to them as ‘first world problems.’ OP clearly has issues with her mum and looking more carefully into her posts shows you that it’s a difficult relationship. She’s not being unreasonable at all.

I would HATE to live in a house while the kitchen was being done up. Takes ages, loads of dust, can’t cook. How is that a gift if it’s not even her house!![/quote]
You know what, I didn’t even think of me being without a kitchen to cook for a couple of weeks, and I used to work in kitchen designing! Wow, yes definitely can’t be doing with that, especially with a toddler. Some might call me entitled for that but why would I put myself through all this renovation work for such a short amount of time, even though it’s at reduced rent, but I suppose other people who would be renovating their rentals would have people out during that time thus losing out on rental money and having to pay the utilities whereas with me in my mums house she would still be getting rent (although reduced), and wouldn’t have to worry about utilities.

Even though I’ve had a lot of stick for this post, for those who have been advising me, thank you so much, because the more I talk to you helpful guys the more clarity I’m getting of my situation, so honestly thanks.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-criticised-after-slamming-mums-24159273

Just letting you know that I've seen this as a story when I swiped onto my news feed!

[quote Greenmarmalade]@OwlBeThere

It’s cruel to minimize someone’s problems by referring to them as ‘first world problems.’ OP clearly has issues with her mum and looking more carefully into her posts shows you that it’s a difficult relationship. She’s not being unreasonable at all.

I would HATE to live in a house while the kitchen was being done up. Takes ages, loads of dust, can’t cook. How is that a gift if it’s not even her house!![/quote]
It’s not cruel when the OP asked for opinions. Her relationship with her mum might be difficult but that isn’t the question at hand, the ‘inappropriate’ nature of the gift is.

@E551

It would sound that way, definitely, but this house is in her partner’s name, and I would be renting it off her if we were going to move there, for cheap of course. Also I know that this house is to be divided equally between her partner and my brother and I, should anything happen to her. Since Covid she made sure she had a Will in place and sent us all copies in case! Covid’s been quite scary hasn’t it! Also fear of the unknown I suppose in such a strange time.

No, it’s not been that scary. Wear a mask, sanitise your hands and hope for the best 🤷🏻‍♀️

Something sentimental sounds perfect.

I do wonder if people read before replying.
You will be paying more in rent than her current lodger. And I think she wants you there to project manage the renovations rather than her being called on all the time. If their is going to be a new ensuite and kitchen then the old ones are going to have to be removed first, so you would be without these. You would be the one liaising with the builders and making the tea, taking the time off work to let them in and cleaning up behind them.
No, choose the caravan. This is not something that is being done to benefit you

@Pricklypear12

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-criticised-after-slamming-mums-24159273

Just letting you know that I've seen this as a story when I swiped onto my news feed!

Tabloids are the worst! That story misses out the entire back story of the mum not going to the wedding.

Errrr.... you’re getting married in July...she’s trying to move the tenant on first AND renovate... so this is all happening within 2 months?

You do realise you’re going to be living with a lodger, in a building site...

She's basically given you a job as a gift. Renovating a house is a ballache, I wouldn't renovate someone else's house in exchange for cheap rent. And I think it's funny she's charging you more than her nephew.

Your relationship with her sounds shit and I think you just need to draw some boundaries. She's not coming to your wedding, that's appalling, but you still want to give her the opportunity to have pictures taken on the day.

It's not a gift at all. Sounds like your mum got jealous of you staying with your dad knowing she has chosen to miss your wedding rather than be a adult for a day.

So she thought she would offer you the house a a veiled disguise of her jealousy but also get a loads of work done and have you keep in charge of workmen rather than her!

Definitely not a gift stay well out of it!