AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

[E551]

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

[SundayBloodySunday]

This is very confusing because she may in fact be planning on giving you the house. You really need to speak with her.

[eatsleepread]

YABVU.

[eatsleepread]

I would tell you where to go, and then charge someone else full rent for living there.

[frazzledasarock]

@eatsleepread

I would tell you where to go, and then charge someone else full rent for living there.

You think you’d get a stranger to pay you full rent whilst living in a building site with no kitchen? Who will also supervise the renovations?

You really wouldn’t.

[frazzledasarock]

@SundayBloodySunday

This is very confusing because she may in fact be planning on giving you the house. You really need to speak with her.

The mother can’t give the house to OP it doesn’t belong to her her partner is named as owner/part owner of the house.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Renovating your own property is not a gift for someone else at all. It could be if you were definitely moving in there but not in current circumstances. Sounds like miscommunication. Does your mum think you are definitely moving into her house?

[justmaybenot]

Just say to her - thanks so much for the sentimental thing she's giving you but please don't do any renovations for your benefit or describe them as a gift - do them for her own benefit as you might not even live there. Leave it at that - it sounds so so confusing

[Bluntness100]

Op you clearly have a very dysfunctional relationship with your mother. You repeatedly say she’s going to “throw “ it at you.

On one side doing the propert up , letting you decide how, so you benefit whilst staying there is a nice thing to do, and can be perceived as a gift, but just don’t stay there. Tell her now you’ll move to the caravan. And just crack on with buying your own home. Becayse this is so so dysfunctional it can’t be remedied.

[justmaybenot]

I wouldn't stay there at all if I was you - sounds very stressful. And any journos on here - go find stories elsewhere you lazy sods!

[SakuraEdenSwan1]

First world problems eh @E551

[Justbeenjabbed]

@shivawn

Honestly there's nothing more off-putting than a bride and groom hung up on what gifts they're going to get.

This.


Are things tight financially for your mum? Maybe she really needs to get the renovations done but it won’t leave much left for a gift?

[Choux]

@AnUnoriginalUsername

She's basically given you a job as a gift. Renovating a house is a ballache, I wouldn't renovate someone else's house in exchange for cheap rent. And I think it's funny she's charging you more than her nephew.

Your relationship with her sounds shit and I think you just need to draw some boundaries. She's not coming to your wedding, that's appalling, but you still want to give her the opportunity to have pictures taken on the day.

Am excellent summary.

The mother goes on cruises - she isn't hard up. And yet wants to charge her daughter more than her nephew to live in a building site while overseeing the renovations. Then calls it a wedding gift when she won't even go to the wedding.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm a bit sorry for the nephew who's potentially going to be evicted to make room for them. The mum sounds rather like someone who likes to give stuff, but forgets she's already given it, so then offers it to someone else. (XH was like this, notably with jewellery.) Also a bit sorry for the OP's brother, if it were true that Mum planned to give the house (a sizeable chunk of his potential inheritance?) to his sister. Except that she can't, because it's already been shared with the partner... are we keeping up with all this?

Basically, what many posters seem to be forgetting is that this is OP's mother, who she presumably knows better than any of us. Isn't the saying "the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour"? If anyone is likely to know her motives and likely future actions, it's her own daughter, who has known her all her life. All we get on here is a brief snapshot. (Those who appear not even to have read the first post, let alone her updates, aren't even getting that.)

[Bubbles90]

It's not really a gift is it. All the renovations are tax deductible any way.

[FuckPolitenessSSDGM]

She sounds like my mum. Thinks she is doing you a favour when you are the one who will lose out, and she will benefit 🙄

[Getskinnyordietrying]

If you’re only reason behind getting married is to receive gifts and you’ve made this clear then yes she is unreasonable. You cannot and should not dictate how much people spend on you or how they spend their money. Sounds like two different conversations 1. Your gift will be sentimental and something money can’t buy but you can enjoy for the rest of your life. 2 plans for living arrangements for after the wedding. You sound like a spoilt c*

[Feedingthebirds1]

@Getskinnyordietrying

If you’re only reason behind getting married is to receive gifts and you’ve made this clear then yes she is unreasonable. You cannot and should not dictate how much people spend on you or how they spend their money. Sounds like two different conversations 1. Your gift will be sentimental and something money can’t buy but you can enjoy for the rest of your life. 2 plans for living arrangements for after the wedding. You sound like a spoilt c*

Words fail me.

[zingally]

Unless "I'll pay for the renovations" is secret code for "I'm giving you the house"... Renovations on her own home doesn't count as a gift. I agree.

[Viviennemary]

If you are getting the house at a knock down rent then its a gift in a way. As is the redecoration. But you shouldnt be obliged to accept if it suits you better to stay in your Dad's caravan.

[Sunnysideup78]

I’m really sorry you’re getting such a hard time for this OP 💐 I think your post has just been completely misconstrued (by many!) unfortunately x

[MyGrassIsBrowner]

Just to let you know OP your thread made the Mirror, lol.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-criticised-after-slamming-mums-24159273.amp

[TheGlassBlowersDaughter]

Your relative paid the same rent for the house without the renovations so I think a newly renovated house for the same price could be viewed as a gift regardless of whether you inherit it or not. Your DM doesn't need to do the renovations. Her motivation is to make it nicer for you and yy possibly so you choose to live in her house rather than your dad's caravan but that could be because she thinks houses are better rather than she is competing with your dad.

[tommyhoundmum]

You must talk to your mother as soon as possibe op and fully explain your position. She seems to be under a misapprehension.

[Lotsoflaughs87]

I'm getting married in a registry office next year.
My mum asked what I wanted for a wedding gift. I said new towels.
And to my suprise she give me them early and I'm super happy!!.

Don't have such big expectations and you will feel a lot more relaxed. No renovation isn't a gift to you unless she is giving you the house.

[frazzledasarock]

It’s not a newly renovated house.

The house will be renovated and OP will be expected to supervise the renovation and her mother will give her a budget.

OP will be living in a building site without a kitchen or a bathroom and one of the bedrooms will be also be a building site as the mother is adding an en suite.

You’d have to be crazy to think this is a ‘gift’.

I’ve got a friend currently living through detailed renovations, she keeps decamping with her kids to her parents or get away from the dust, even the cat left.