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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

191 replies

E551 · 20/05/2021 22:05

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

OP posts:
TopBlogger · 20/05/2021 23:44

"No I couldn't be there for the wedding like her df was, BUT I paid for house renovations for them, so wasn't i generous?!"

This will be all that's remembered. So I definitely agree with you, stay at your dad's. She's already made it clear she'll want favours. It'll be never ending

Original poster
E551 · 20/05/2021 23:45

@NoProblem123

YABU

What do want instead of a newly renovated house (of your taste) to live in ? A toaster ?

Sorry - Grabby. She doesn’t have to gift you a thing.

I know she doesn’t have to give me a thing. In fact, I wouldn’t mind not being given a thing rather than renovations that will benefit her, not me, as I’ve said I’m hoping to buy another home straight away, and that I wasn’t bothered with how the house is if we were to move there, it’s her who wants to renovate the house as a neighbour has done and it looks nice, as she says.
OP posts:
CherryPieface · 20/05/2021 23:48

Can you not just get married and not focus on the presents you want?

CaptainAwkward · 20/05/2021 23:52

How has she justified not coming to your wedding?
Is she one of those people who will hold this (unwanted weird unessessary) ‘gift’ over you for ever?

mathanxiety · 20/05/2021 23:52

Your mum shouldn't be paying for renovations to a house that's in her partner's name.

Original poster
E551 · 20/05/2021 23:54

@TopBlogger

"No I couldn't be there for the wedding like her df was, BUT I paid for house renovations for them, so wasn't i generous?!"

This will be all that's remembered. So I definitely agree with you, stay at your dad's. She's already made it clear she'll want favours. It'll be never ending

Yes, you’re definitely right.

When she first told me she wasn’t coming she said that she’d make it up to me. I answered, how, that’s impossible, you have to be there, not to mention my daughter, her granddaughter (obviously!) will be flower girl, how can she miss this. Had lots of discussions about it. I even asked if she could come to the church only. First it was yes, now no definitely won’t come. So I’ve settled with asking her if she could come to mine on the
morning just to take pictures with me and my daughter. More because I know she won’t let me live it down if she’ll see pictures of me with my Dad on my wedding day, but not her, but that’s her choice.

So this is somewhat like “buying” me. Although some might not see it like that and see my as ungrateful, but really, considering the above, is it her who’s being ungrateful for not coming to my wedding because of her own issues because of what she’s caused between my Dad and her?

OP posts:
BlueHairGirl · 20/05/2021 23:54

@AramintaLee

I think you're getting getting a hard time for the word "unacceptable" when you possibly should have used "inappropriate" - which it is a bit. Maybe just tell her the sentimental gift will suffice and that if she wants to do the renovations to the property for herself then to go ahead, but you'd rather not consider it a wedding gift because it's something you'd only be able to enjoy on a temporary basis. Maybe just tell her that once you move out of that house (if you even move in!) then someone else will presumably move in and enjoy "your" wedding gift. Perhaps that will help her to understand.
I totally agree with! So many people jumping on the unfair thing but I think it's ridiculous for your mum to count the renovations as a wedding gift. She's either totally got the wrong end of the stick or is pretending to do something for you that actually for herself, totally unfair to call you grabby imo
Pinkpaisley · 20/05/2021 23:55

It’s also not the best time to do renovations. I’m guessing you don’t really relish living in a construction zone for what you hope is temporary accommodations. Plus if you do find a place to buy and the work is ongoing, she may struggle to find a new tenant.

Greenmarmalade · 20/05/2021 23:56

YANBU.

Sounds like you have a lot to manage in that relationship and you can spot the warning signs.

starfishmummy · 20/05/2021 23:58

^headlock

Will you be paying rent?

Yes, I’d be paying rent and the bills.^

So now I'm confused.

In the first post you say her nephew is just paying bills; in anotjer post you say thst you will be paying the same as he is. (So bills). Now you say you will be paying rent.

Which is it?

Giantrooster · 21/05/2021 00:03

Glad you found it helpful Smile. Perhaps this will shed some light on the dynamics of your relationship and may be useful in the future. Good luck.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/05/2021 00:09

OP I understood what you meant despite your wording. I think you'd be better going with plan A, the caravan. I suspect that if you lived in the house you would pay a very high price for her 'favour'.

godmum56 · 21/05/2021 00:09

I have no idea whether yabu or not as this is sooooo weird.
i think its about separating out the issues.
If you are happy with a sentimental wedding gift then that is issue 1 ticked off.
issue 3 is about her will and whether she can leave the house to ANYONE given that her current partner seems somehow to be involved. Again let it go. Its not something you can do anything about.
This leaves only issue 2 First of all i would have a good long chat with your partner so you can present a united front. Then, assuming you are both in agreement i would say something to your Mum like "Mum its lovely of you to offer to do the house up for us but as we won't be staying there long (OR we are going to stay in dad's caravan) so I think you should just do it as you think best"

job done!

viques · 21/05/2021 00:38

So you might move into the house,for a year or two. Well in that case how very kind of your mum to think about your comfort and put in a new kitchen bathroom and en-suite for you. Tell her not to bother and you will just cope with whatever is there at the moment and not moan or whinge about it one little itty bit.

mainsfed · 21/05/2021 00:47

OP, you’re being a bit entitled. You’re paying cheap rent, so have been able to save money for your own house.

Also, you take this cheap rent so much as your due that you say the rent is ‘cheap, of course’!

The only thing I think you shouldn’t do is take responsibility for the renovations. Let mum and partner sort them, that will be a full time job!

Original poster
E551 · 21/05/2021 00:58

Thank you for those who understood what I really meant, and for your suggestions.

I think I came here to vent and maybe used it as some kind of therapy session (not the best place!). But it’s made me validate my feelings, although some might disagree, and I now know what I’m going to do and how to bring it up to her. I don’t want to constantly be reminded of what she has done to me, this favour, and in return have to give her a favour. It would never have been a wedding gift, there will always be a reminder and a favour needed.

I hope the others realise that I wasn’t being ungrateful and thinking that gift wasn’t adequate, it’s not needed, it’s not asked for, and yes I would much prefer a toaster to be honest! A toaster won’t be thrown at me when a favour is needed from me! We’ve also not relied on or asked for a single penny for anything for the wedding off her. She is not attending the wedding by her own choice. If she was attending, even though the fragile relationship we have, I would happily accept that as a gift rather than anything else. I would also appreciate a sentimental gift and deem it acceptable. The word unacceptable wasn’t what I should have said about the renovations as a gift, I should have used inappropriate (although some might still think I’m in the wrong). And I’ll stop explaining myself further now as some people just won’t accept it and think that I’m being unreasonable, and that’s there deciding to make.

Thank you to those who have guided me to the right decision for myself and my family, truly do appreciate it, and thank you for your understanding of my moaning! Good night x

OP posts:
mainsfed · 21/05/2021 01:07

Sorry, I thought you had already moved in to her house.

Would you want to be gifted the house? Or would it be unfair on sibling?

NakedBanana · 21/05/2021 01:18

I think your rose tinted glasses are beginning to crack.

Can't believe the PPs going on about WO gets the house when your mum does! WTF

What is important is that your mum isn't coming to your wedding!!!

She won't even come early to get pics but will kick off because there will be pictures with your dad.

OP she sounds awful.

Oh I didn't come to your wedding but look at all the renovations I spent on you. Favour for a favour.

Fuck that! Glad you've decided to stay at the caravan. I think you need to read some books about toxic parents.

Do you have siblings?

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 21/05/2021 01:43

Sounds more of a selfish decision that she's very poorly disguising as a gift of generosity.

She's safeguarding her own investment and her OH's.
Refurbs/renovations/increasing the equity.......the longer you're there the greater the security of their retirement/investment.

She can do that.......and her response to attending your wedding???.....

Dignity woman - DIGNITY.

CandyLeBonBon · 21/05/2021 02:25

What a weird thread!

You've gone from talking about her nephew (your cousin, surely - odd to refer to him as your mother's nephew?) only paying bills, then later, you say he actually pay rent and bills, and one minute it's the partner's house, and then it's both their houses?

You sound very confused op.

I think you have bigger issues to deal with than what wedding present you'd prefer!

PRsecrets · 21/05/2021 03:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberIsACertainty · 21/05/2021 03:33

Your mum is being very tight. A "sentimental gift"? So something she already owns but no longer wants then? Hmm

Renovations to her house then you renting said house which pays for the renovations. That's a gift to herself in the only person it'll be costing is you. She's kicking rent free nephew out to install rent paying you, so she can afford these renovations.

It's all about her. I'll bet she hasn't given him notice yet because she doesn't want to have to pay the bills for the gap between him leaving and you moving in. This isn't going to work. She's either going to kick him out with no notice or you'll end up living there with him until he goes, or worse you'll end up with nowhere to stay if he won't share. I hope you find your own place soon. I wouldn't rely on your mum's house.

BigHeadBertha · 21/05/2021 03:46

I didn't read all of the replies so far but I did not ready your original post as being demanding of gifts but more being confused about what your mother is doing. And I agree that it IS confusing. She is presenting renovations to a house that she owns as if it will be a wedding present for you. That does not make any sense.

You've already told her that you may not even rent her house so I'm not sure what else you can do. Does she have a history or strange behavior?

BigHeadBertha · 21/05/2021 03:47

I mean I did not 'read' your original post as being demanding...

starrynight21 · 21/05/2021 03:48

this house is in her partner’s name

She can't leave this house to you in her will if it's in her partner's name. The only way that could happen is IF he died first and left it entirely to her in his will, and then she left it to you. But it's a big "if". She can't leave it to you now since she doesn't own it.