AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

[E551]

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

@honeylulu

The legal owner(s) of the house will be those named on the deeds. Bollocks all to do with who pays the council tax!

Also, in her Will he has the right to live there until he dies or marries someone (good one!), so he definitely has more right to the house than I, or my brother, would have.

This whole situation around ownership of the house and what can happen to it is confused and inaccurate if this thread is anything to go by.

If the partner's name is officially on the house, then he is the owner - the mother mentioning the property in the will is bonkers. It isn't the mother's property to dictate in her will what should happen to it. If they are in a partnership and not married, even less so.

And it is irrelevant who pays the council tax!

OP it would be advisable for you to make your own arrangements where to live and not rely on anything from your mother. It sounds way too complicated to rely on. Your mother's 'kind' offer of you renting that property is just an easy way to find a tenant without the worry of an unknown person in the property.

I don't think OP understands that the general use of the phrase "his name is on the house" would be to mean that he is part of the mortgage or named on the house deeds, a phrase used to denote ownership. I think she's maybe using the phrase to mean it's his official registered address, so he's paying the council tax and is registered to vote there maybe or his post goes there etc even if he's not physically living there at the moment.

You just sound a bit greedy and expectant.

The shame in all of this is the game playing. The second guessing. The unwillingness by anyone to say "I'll help you, what do you need?"
OP is getting married in July, and there will be three of them to house together, yet OP seems to be opting for a caravan rather than a refurbished house.
Which of these is better for the kid?
Two months to go. You cannot buy and complete on your own home in that time. It does not happen. So the choice must be made-caravan or refurbished house.
It seems because of the game playing and second guessing that OP is opting for the caravan "in case mum wants a favour one day".
Jesus, if your mum wants a favour one day why would you hesitate anyway?
Take the house. The kid will like it more.
Why has that not once had a mention?!!

The house will be a surprise gift, she is going to give it to you!

Having read all your updates, I am glad you feel sorted now about going forwards - I thought you were totally reasonable. It sounds like you are trying hard to be a nice daughter having your mum over in the morning - just don’t let her take advantage of you.

Most importantly hope you have a wonderful wedding day and good luck with your new home. All the best for the future.

Why do you need a gift anyway. Your getting married that’s all it should be about not what people do or do not buy you. Material things shouldn’t be so important. Surely just having your mum there on the day making memory’s with you should be enough.

She is offering you a house to live in for free to save money. And she is offering you money to renovate it to your taste.
She clearly wants you to live there and save money.
You sound very entitled. She doesn't need to buy you anything for your wedding. She wants to get you a sentimental gift - if you are not jumping at her offer to save money maybe you have enough so don't need to save. In this case why are you worried about only getting a sentimental gift?
Can I just ask please - is she also contributing financially to the wedding? I am guessing she is.

Sounds like she is using you a bit, you are good at interior decorating so would be doing that for free + I assume live in the house while the renovations are going on so you would take care of it? So in the end it wouöd be a gift for her partner, as the house is in his name? Not read all the updates, so sorry if I’m reading it wrong.

A nice gift would be for her to actually go to your wedding.

@MrMucker

The shame in all of this is the game playing. The second guessing. The unwillingness by anyone to say "I'll help you, what do you need?" OP is getting married in July, and there will be three of them to house together, yet OP seems to be opting for a caravan rather than a refurbished house. Which of these is better for the kid? Two months to go. You cannot buy and complete on your own home in that time. It does not happen. So the choice must be made-caravan or refurbished house. It seems because of the game playing and second guessing that OP is opting for the caravan "in case mum wants a favour one day". Jesus, if your mum wants a favour one day why would you hesitate anyway? Take the house. The kid will like it more. Why has that not once had a mention?!!

The house won't be renovated in two months either....

@Nothingyet

The house will be a surprise gift, she is going to give it to you!

She can't, her DP is on the deeds too.

@Twinkle19, the OP has already said her mum being at the wedding would be enough, but her mum refuses to go. Given that’s the case, I wouldn’t want to stay in that house either, the mother does not sound like a good person.

I would make sure to let her know you don’t need a gift and will not accept this as a wedding gift. It might cause trouble later all between you all inheriting, if they all already see it as you have had some of the money spent on the house gifted to you. I don’t think you sound grabby, it’s got nothing to do with it..

@shivawn

Honestly there's nothing more off-putting than a bride and groom hung up on what gifts they're going to get.

That isn't the case here. It's about her mum giving a non-present and spending money on her own asset. However, mum may be a lost cause if she can't already see that. Sounds narcissistic to me.

Who would not want to give their daughter a decent wedding gift within what they can afford? I wouldn't say to teenage DDs "Tell you what, your Christmas present is a new conservatory on our house". It's fucked up.

And a gift with strings attached is often something of a curse. No gift at all.

@Twinkle19

Why do you need a gift anyway. Your getting married that’s all it should be about not what people do or do not buy you. Material things shouldn’t be so important. Surely just having your mum there on the day making memory’s with you should be enough.

Are you joking? Are you seriously suggesting it is grabby to expect a normal gift, per social convention from your own mother? WTF. Mumsnet is another planet sometimes.

OP, your mum sounds like a nightmare. The house renovation is a gift to herself and she already calling in favours owing. She's making the day about her by refusing to attend. I'm so sorry. The best I can advise is to drain the drama out of the situation. Make your own living arrangements, quietly accept her shit about not attending, don't mention it again and don't pander with regards to the pictures. Are you suggesting that she'll object to you having your own wedding pictures up because she chose not to attend?? She's sounding hella toxic.

You are the one deciding to get married why should anyone have to buy or give you anything. Why should she contribute anything towards the wedding either, again your choice to get married.
Go and pay extortionate rent somewhere else if her gift of a nice place to live isn't good enough.

@ittakes2 if you bothered to read the thread you would see that mum isn't paying a penny towards the wedding.

Mum is "gifting" the short term use, for reduced rent plus bills, of a tiny house in the state of a construction zone likely for the entire time they live there.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You are the one deciding to get married why should anyone have to buy or give you anything. Why should she contribute anything towards the wedding either, again your choice to get married. Go and pay extortionate rent somewhere else if her gift of a nice place to live isn't good enough.

Replies like this are so bizarre. Even unrelated friends bring a gift to a wedding.

I wasn’t going to post on here, but I feel like some have missed the point totally! I would move into your Dad’s caravan, if the house purchase doesn’t happen soon. I think it could really backfire moving in to the house your Mum is planning on improving. It also seems a bit mean to kick her nephew out just so you can have a temporary home!
I’m sorry that your Mum doesn’t want to come to your wedding, but I think this only lends weight to the option of not getting too involved with her.
I don’t think this is about presents at all, it’s the way your Mum has phrased it as if she’s doing you a favour.
I hope your house move goes smoothly - your current house must be bad if the developers are buying it back!!

Well I appreciate I might be alone in this thought, but renovating a house isn't a gift. It's a lot of fucking hard work. Choosing everything, making so many small decisions that impact the whole. And one step wrong and it's all your fault. I think it's a horrible 'gift' and no way would I do it. Then she's saying it's a favour to you blah blah blah. How? She's got a newly renovated house, she's not had to do the work, presumably she likes your style which is why she's happy. She's not having to pay a designer but she's getting that service for free. I really fail to see where the benefit to you is here.

Anyway, you've decided not to and I think that's right. She sounds so selfish to me. Can't even put aside her own feelings to be there for your wedding, even if it's just the ceremony and drinks. She sounds like bloody hard work.

It's one of those 'gifts' that will benefit the giver more than the recipient..a bit like when I buy dp chocolate as a 'gift.' ( on a bigger scale obviously!).

I don’t think I ever mentioned him being a legal owner, just that his name is on the property, as well as in my Mum’s Will regarding this property

If his name is "on the property" then of course he is a legal owner. Why would you think otherwise? I'm assuming you mean he is "on the property" at the Land Registry (not that your mum has physically scrawled his name on the brickwork!) If your name gets added to the property at the Land Registry then you become a legal owner, ta da!

As I said above you can pay all the bills you like but it doesn't mean you are "on the property" in any ownership sense.

Oh and by the way I think your mum sounds like a nob! It will be nice to get to live in a newly renovated house but the renovations aren't a gift to you, you can hardly take them with you! She sounds very self important, talking up her "generosity " like that. Sounds like the sort of thing my MIL would have said.