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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

191 replies

E551 · 20/05/2021 22:05

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

OP posts:

MrsBarnstable · 21/05/2021 08:16

I'm glad you have decided to stay at your dads
Your mum is being very malipulative, it's not a gift for you. She is just dressing it up as that to suit her narrative
You are not being greedy, why can't people read these threads before posting?
Don't pander to her anymore, your wedding is about you and your partner, not trying to persuade her to be part of it. She can make her choice and live with it
Wishing you every happiness for your special day

VeganCow · 21/05/2021 08:22

The gift is somewhere nice to live, to your taste, rent free for several years, or am I missing something? Look at how much money you will save. Look at it another way- she is giving you at least 25-30 grand cash, is that a better wedding gift?!

Choux · 21/05/2021 08:33

The mother seems to have a strange perspective. On the one hand she is doing up a house she would do up anyway and calling it a gift to her daughter, she is being difficult about the wedding attendance but is also likely to kick off about OP having wedding photos with her dad who she has 'done bad by' and can't face.

On the other hand the mum is letting her nephew (not a particularly close family connection) stay at the house on a much reduced rent and has added her new partner to the house deeds.

I may be totally reaching here but is the new partner the OP's dad's brother? Did the new partner and his son live together at the property and then the dad and OPs mum got together and the nephew was left alone in the house? How else do you get the nephew benefitting so much when the mum sounds so toxic and self absorbed?

3Britnee · 21/05/2021 08:33

I think she means she isn't spending a lot on a present because she's doing renovations. You do sound grabby. Tell everyone no presents, save yourselves all this angst.

Sweak · 21/05/2021 08:36

@VeganCow

Yes you are missing something. She will be paying rent!

Choux · 21/05/2021 08:37

Ps I think your wedding gift is that you get to live in a building site and project manage the renovations for her as you are around every day.

She'll probably say you can splash a couple of coats of white paint on too as it isn't worth getting the decorators in.

Sweak · 21/05/2021 08:39

I sort of feel like the house/present thing isn't the issue. It's more that she's already talking about "favour for a favour" and isn't even attending the wedding! I can't imagine how hurt you must feel about her not coming.

Personally I would do the caravan....the house adds additional stress to a strained relationship (from what you've posted it sounds a difficult relationship)

Sceptre86 · 21/05/2021 08:45

You are getting a hard time on this post and unreasonably so. Yes she isn't obliged to get you a wedding gift but considering she is your mother and not a random guest and you are on good terms it isn't unreasonable to give you a gift. When most people give a gift to someone it is usually something the recipient would hopefully like or benefit from. I fail to see how you would benefit from the house renovations more than anyone else? Presumably they would be going on whilst you were living there (however a short time that may be) so how would living on a building site benefit you? It would benefit your mother as you would be able to deal with builders, contractors instead of her. Ultimately when the house is sold you will benefit but alongside your brother and her partner so renovations which increase the resale value will benefit you all not you moreso.

Personally I think it is a crap 'present' that is really no gift at all. She would be better off not getting you anything rather than a pseudo present that she goes on about but isn't really a gift. It seems she just wants to get one over your dad for whatever reason. I would stick to the original plan and stay in the caravan on your dad's land. The hassle surrounding staying at your mum's does not seem worth it.

yoyo1234 · 21/05/2021 08:48

I think I would live in the caravan and make it clear to the mother .

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2021 08:53

@E551

It would sound that way, definitely, but this house is in her partner’s name, and I would be renting it off her if we were going to move there, for cheap of course. Also I know that this house is to be divided equally between her partner and my brother and I, should anything happen to her. Since Covid she made sure she had a Will in place and sent us all copies in case! Covid’s been quite scary hasn’t it! Also fear of the unknown I suppose in such a strange time.

You're already living together and own your home.

Why should you get a wedding present at all? (And she's already told you she's giving you something else too)

She's prepared to evict her nephew so you could save for a couple of years and to do the house up to your taste.

What more do you want??

Changechangychange · 21/05/2021 08:54

I think you are getting a hard time because of the word “unacceptable”.

If you had posted “IABU to think that DM doing up her partner’s buy to let, which I have no intention of living in because we are trying to buy our own place, is not really a wedding gift to me” you’d have people queuing up to tell you how unreasonable she was being.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2021 08:54

@Sceptre86

She's giving them something else as well!!

Bourbonic · 21/05/2021 09:02

Unacceptable was a poor choice of word, but it isn't a gift for you, its her carrying out her own home improvements.

I don't think you sound grabby or entitled, I'd be a bit bewildered if my mother said she was gifting me something and then went on to tell me it was something for herself. The wedding is a bit of a moot point really.

Killahangilion · 21/05/2021 09:04

I think you’re focusing on the wrong aspect of this.

You’ve obviously taken your dad’s side following their split so maybe you need to explore the reasons more fully, into why she can’t face coming to the wedding?

Children rarely know the ins and outs of their parents relationship. Maybe there’s stuff that you aren’t aware of?

TurquoiseDragon · 21/05/2021 09:07

[quote E551]@honeylulu I don’t think I ever mentioned him being a legal owner, just that his name is on the property, as well as in my Mum’s Will regarding this property. It was someone else who mentioned that with his name being on the property that he has a right to the property also, if anything was to happen between the both and that it was risky.[/quote]
OP, when you say his name is on the property, do you mean on the actual deeds for the house?

Because if so, your mother can't will away his share, he will automatically keep that if your mother dies first.

As for your mother's share, she can only leave a will dividing it up if the house is owned as "tenants in common", so reading your posts, you would only get a quarter of your mother's share, so not very much.

And if the house is owned as "joint tenants", then on the death of the first owner, the whole house belongs to the surviving owner and you could end up with nothing.

frazzledasarock · 21/05/2021 09:10

Why on earth anyone on here thinks moving in with a baby into a house that’s having major renovations done whilst paying rent and bills is better than staying in a caravan for free is beyond me.

Your mother is not giving you a gift at all. She’s expecting you to project manage a pretty detailed home renovation and pay for the privilege.

The something sentimental doesn’t sound convincing to me either.

It is convention to give a gift at weddings.

I’ll keep in mind in future when we’re having our house done and want to avoid the mess and noise for months on end to give it as a grand gift to friends getting married. They can pay me rent and bills whilst there and ensure builders are doing the job properly.

Then at a later date I can demand a huge favour from them.

A favour for a favour.

Your mothers a selfish user. This is not a gift however you dress it up. She just wants to hold it over you forever.

Sweak · 21/05/2021 09:18

Why should you get a wedding present at all?

Classic MN. It's traditional to get gifts for weddings. When my children get married, no matter what their financial situation, I would get them something. Even just a token. But then I would go to my children's wedding even if I have a strained relationship with their dad.

Anyway, the gift is a red herring. The relationship is the issue.

SoapboxFox · 21/05/2021 09:19

Ask her for a toaster instead?

Original poster

E551 · 21/05/2021 09:34

@Twinkle19

Why do you need a gift anyway. Your getting married that’s all it should be about not what people do or do not buy you. Material things shouldn’t be so important. Surely just having your mum there on the day making memory’s with you should be enough.

I don’t need a gift, I’m confused as to why she’s saying she’s paying for renovations, in her own home that I may temporarily, or may not be, living in. I’m not unhappy of what is going to be given to me. I don’t understand it, and don’t think it is appropriate.

Also, yes my mum there on the day would be enough, but she’s not going to be there, and she also hasn’t contributed financially (as some people say I should be grateful of this), but no financial help whatsoever for the wedding, not that I expecting it either.

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 21/05/2021 10:09

The lack of comprehension on MN these days is ridiculous.

@E551

Definitely tell her now that you will not be moving into the house. If she asks what you'll do, stick to the 'we're buying another house' when the time comes, move into your Dad's caravan & save the money. & the bloody grief!! If she doesn't like it, tell her it's free & without any obligation. & YOUR choice!!

She's being devious & setting you up to look bad, don't give her the opportunity.

It's unbelievable that she's not going to your wedding because she treated your Dad badly. That's pathetic & cowardly. She can't even get over herself for your wedding.

As for the the house, when she dies, I wouldn't be counting those chickens.

Hope you find a lovely house to move into & that you enjoy your wedding. !💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2021 10:20

So basically it’s all about her isn’t it? Her house. Her feelings re your wedding. Her giving you a sentimental gift.

Are you ever allowed to make anything about you?

Sorry to put it bluntly but your mum is full of crap. Unless already she’s given your cousin notice, currently she has to give 6 months. That may change soon. But not unlikely right now.

A real gift would be giving you the money she was going to spend on renovations to plug the gap in your finances. Not that she’s obliged to. But that would be a real one.

As for you inheriting. If she’s giving her half of the house to you, your brother and her dp equally, that gives you 1/6 of the value of a small property. If not willing any to her dp, that’s 1/4 at best. And presumes she’s not got a joint tenancy with the dp as the property would automatically go to them.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2021 10:28

This is all very garbled , you might buy now but might live there foe a year or two? Why is this two extremes? I’d get if you said six months. But a year or two?

She’s clearly thinking it will benefit you to habe the place renovated a d to your taste if you do live there a year or two. Which clearly it would. I don’t understand why you would prefer to live in a caravan

TwoAndAnOnion · 21/05/2021 10:34

this house is in her partner’s name, and I would be renting it off her if we were going to move there, for cheap of course. Also I know that this house is to be divided equally between her partner and my brother and I

I hate to piss on your chips BUT if the house is in her partners name, she cant will it to you and your brother.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 21/05/2021 11:30

The situation with the house, its ownership and who lives in it sounds like a minefield which you’re best off staying well out of.

The relationship between your parents sounds totally toxic and your mother sounds childish and petulant. I’d be gutted if my mum said she wasn’t coming to my wedding because my father was going to be there. You don’t sound at all bothered! Why is that? Are you ok?

Soontobe60 · 21/05/2021 11:44

@E551

If the house is in her partners name, then it can’t form part of her estate. It’s his house. Did she buy it?

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