AIBU to think this isn’t an acceptable wedding gift?!

[E551]

I’m not getting married until end of July, but yesterday my Mum told me that what she was going to give us as a wedding gift was something sentimental, and then she was going to pay for the renovations on her home, which we might be renting off her if we’re not able to purchase a house when ours is sold in a couple of months.
Without sounding ungrateful, I’m a bit confused as to how her paying for renovations done on her own home is a gift? And no it’s not that she is also going to give me the house, definitely not, I know that for a fact.
It was my Mum who offered for us to stay in the house while we save up (because house prices where we live have shot up an insane amount in the last year, we live by the sea), and we have to sell up as it’s the developers buying the house back off us as there has been a lot of issues with it (new build!). Anyway, so the original plan was that we were going live in a caravan at my Dad’s property temporarily, but then my Mum said we could live in this house she owns, her nephew is there currently but he doesn’t pay rent, only the bills, and he has somewhere else to live (on site at his workplace), so she was going to give him a notice to leave, she hasn’t done that yet though. When we started talking about the idea and my partner and I agreed, she then went on about doing some work on the house, new kitchen, new bathroom, maybe even adding an en-suite upstairs, and she said I could decide what to put in there and she would give me a budget. Fine, I’m good with these things as I used to work somewhere which involved some interior designing.
However, I informed her recently that we are still actively looking for somewhere to buy when we exchange contracts with our current house, and she was always aware of this, so it’s never been a definite thing that we were to move there, and if we did, I always mentioned that it would only be for a year or two, max. So am I being unreasonable to think that gifting us renovations done on her own home, that we may not even live in anyway, is unacceptable? Or am I ungrateful?

Last time I spoke to her and said that we have a viewing on Saturday, and all being well we will put an offer in and hope it’s accepted, she didn’t reply back. She also said the other day not to go rushing in to buy somewhere else. We’ve been looking for months, and have viewed several so we’re definitely not rushing, this has always been on the cards potentially.

Sorry for the long, long post! Just trying to paint a (long!) picture!

What would be an acceptable value of gift from her? Just give her the £value so you don’t risk an “unacceptable” gift. Never mind that you’ve been offered free or cheap accommodation to help you out at the start of your married life.

Presumably reading your thread back, you’ll realise how entitled you sound.

Although it sounds a strange idea of a gift and I probably wouldn't regards it as a gift, to say unacceptable in reference to a gift is also an odd way to describe a gift. I would only say that about something actually offensive rather than just a non-gift

In reply to 123ZYX,
Yes definitely risky, although they’ve been together for many years now. Also, in her Will he has the right to live there until he dies or marries someone (good one!), so he definitely has more right to the house than I, or my brother, would have.

That’s why I don’t get why she’s saying all this is for my benefit. Maybe I should be clearer in the beginning, but the post was long enough as it is!

Will you be paying rent?

@Purpleweeks

Although it sounds a strange idea of a gift and I probably wouldn't regards it as a gift, to say unacceptable in reference to a gift is also an odd way to describe a gift. I would only say that about something actually offensive rather than just a non-gift

Maybe unacceptable was the wrong word, you’re all right. I just think because these renovations were mentioned a while ago, and now they are a part of my wedding gift, I was a bit confused because it’s not something that is needed, and if we were going to move in she always knew it was only for a year or two, so why am I being told these renovations are for me.

Maybe I am entitled as some have said, but I didn’t ask for these renovations and I didn’t ask to stay at the house! I had my own plan, she was the one who offered and I made it clear that we would prefer to buy somewhere else straight away, if we can, but we’d be grateful to rent off her in the mean time if we weren’t able to fine somewhere else.

It's a weird gift, for sure. But if you might be in that property for a few months or even a couple of years it would be much nicer to be there with a nice new kitchen or bathroom!

And to be honest even for a short time you'd probably get more use out of that than a traditional gift. I had my wedding dress bought as the gift and a large drinks tab. I don't drink so no enjoyment from that, and the dress was worn only 1 day. I'd have liked a nice kitchen more, I think. Even temporarily.

@headlock

Will you be paying rent?

Yes, I’d be paying rent and the bills.

@headlock

Will you be paying rent?

Will you be reading the thread? 🤣

I’d also like to add that when we had spoken about it, I did mention that I wouldn’t be bothered about her changing anything in the house as it would only be temporarily, but she said she’d like to get a new kitchen and maybe get rid of the downstairs bathroom to extend the kitchen (as it is so tiny, ex-council house in a rural area so it’s so small), because her neighbours have done this and she said it looks nice. I said I wasn’t fussed but if she wanted to get it done then it’s up to her as it’s her house.

I think you're getting getting a hard time for the word "unacceptable" when you possibly should have used "inappropriate" - which it is a bit. Maybe just tell her the sentimental gift will suffice and that if she wants to do the renovations to the property for herself then to go ahead, but you'd rather not consider it a wedding gift because it's something you'd only be able to enjoy on a temporary basis. Maybe just tell her that once you move out of that house (if you even move in!) then someone else will presumably move in and enjoy "your" wedding gift. Perhaps that will help her to understand.

You have a cheap rental on standby from your mum. She’s asked if you would like to choose how it’s decorated and she will pay for it.

But that’s unacceptable. Jesus OP.

@Bunnyfuller

You have a cheap rental on standby from your mum. She’s asked if you would like to choose how it’s decorated and she will pay for it.

But that’s unacceptable. Jesus OP.

Not an acceptable wedding gift. But what I should have maybe said is not an appropriate wedding gift.

I’m not saying being offered a cheap rental that I can decide how it is renovated is unacceptable.

@AramintaLee

Just realised how to ‘@‘!

Yes, definitely should have used inappropriate.

Also thanks for understanding where I was coming from, definitely worded it wrong but thank you for realising that was the case, rather than me being bitchy.

I’m mainly confused as to how the mother can leave the house to her partner and adult children when it’s not in her name but in the partner’s. Or is it that the partner leaves the house to the mother, who then passes on to adult children. Zero sense that the partner does, mother dies and then the house is split up between the children and the original dead owner.

It does seem an odd present, can't you say to her that although you appreciate her making the rental house nice for you temporarily you'd really like to have a few bits for your new house that you can keep forever and cherish as a gift from her.

@rainyskylight

She pays the mortgage, but she has put his name on the house as well. Hope that clears it up. So in a sense, yes it’s hers just as well as his, but it’s his name on the house regarding council tax etc.

@Gertie75

Thanks, that’s well put and a nice way of saying it.

I would much prefer a gift for the new house, because, as you say, it’s something we can keep forever so means a lot more.

The legal owner(s) of the house will be those named on the deeds. Bollocks all to do with who pays the council tax!

I think perhaps your dm is entering CF territory a little bit, trying to kill two birds with one stone. 'A lovely biggish wedding gift' and a renovation for her and at the same time competing with your df.

I think you need to make up your mind about what to do about your housing situation, and I think I would then tell her that no you won't be needing her house, so under no circumstances can she push this as a gift.

I would do this both because this kind of 'present' is showing off without it containing much substance for you and because competing with your df in this way is manipulative.

@honeylulu I don’t think I ever mentioned him being a legal owner, just that his name is on the property, as well as in my Mum’s Will regarding this property. It was someone else who mentioned that with his name being on the property that he has a right to the property also, if anything was to happen between the both and that it was risky.

I think your mum wants you to live in the house and stay there, and she will eventually either give it to you or sell it to you ridiculously cheap. She will be very disappointed if you manage to move house and avoid living in hers but you did tell her you were trying to find a new place so she was warned. She'll get over it.

@Giantrooster yes, hopefully by next week we’ll definitely know what our situation will be, if we’ll be buying another home or whatever. But if we’re not successful my partner and I have been thinking about going along with our first plan of staying at my Dad’s caravan, we’re a bit worried that if we go along and choose the new kitchen etc. Then she’ll always make it known that she’s done this for us, and I just remembered a comment that she said to me the other week, can’t remember what she asked me but she wanted me to do something and she said “a favour, for a favour”, and her favour to us was to rent off her but we’re not even there yet, and might not be anyway! So maybe she won’t let me live it down if I do choose the kitchen etc.

Although the backlash with this post, I think it was worthwhile as it has made me decide that I definitely do not, and will not, be living in that house, so the gift of renovations will not be required, if she wants to go ahead then she can, as it is her property and her decision after all. And I will be happy to receive a sentimental gift only. So thank you, your comment definitely brought some things back that has made me come to a certain decision and I will try and put this forward to her again, and hopes she accepts this time that we will not be going there.

Yes I would think this a rather strange wedding gift. It’s just doing up her own house and then dressing it up as a wedding gift. I think it’s lovely that she wants to make everything nice for you so you have everything new. It’s really sweet of her but I’m abit confused also as you have mentioned on numerous occasions by that you it’s not confirmed your moving in and at best it’s a temporary rental.

Maybe speak to her and say the sentimental gift is enough and you don’t want her to spend more money unnecessarily- even if you were to move in. Keeps everything cleanser IMO.

YABU

What do want instead of a newly renovated house (of your taste) to live in ? A toaster ?

Sorry - Grabby. She doesn’t have to gift you a thing.

@NoProblem123

I know she downloadi