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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

192 replies

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 13:57

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( Hmm )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2021 13:59

YANBU. He’s buying his and his ex’s leisure with your labour. Rude.

Sexnotgender · 19/05/2021 13:59

YANBU. It’s very easy for him to agree to something he doesn’t have to facilitate!

Mowzy · 19/05/2021 14:00

YANBU. He wants his ex to have more time to herself meaning that YOU have less time to yourself?

Or is he planning to do their pick ups and laundry etc?

Shoxfordian · 19/05/2021 14:02

Yanbu

He needs to be responsible for his own child

3Britnee · 19/05/2021 14:02

Yanbu. What do your evenings and weekends look like,out of interest, and why do you do everything when she is there? Where is he?

LadyDanburysHat · 19/05/2021 14:02

Of course he said yes, as he doesn't expect it to affect him. You already do way too much as far as I'm concerned. What does he do? All the fun stuff and no real parenting responsibility. You need to step back on what you already do.

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:02

Or is he planning to do their pick ups and laundry etc?

I think he'd have been quite happy for me to carry on doing it.

This started because I was working a lot less when we had our DC so instead of him taking time out of work to do X and Y, I helped with it because I was at home anyway and he was working.

Its an expectation now though I feel and sort of met with a 'well why can't you?' if I ever suggest I'm not doing something.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:06

It's as though because I'm almost a SAHP to our DC (I'm not but I work quite reduced hours at the min and our DC is only in nursery a couple of times a week), then I should just be one for DSD too. And that apparently means getting no say over how often that is either!

OP posts:
Morechocolatethanbarbara · 19/05/2021 14:07

I would take this opportunity to say you are no longer doing school runs and other care for your DSD.

It seems he has mistaken your help and kindness for an obligation.

It it HIS responsibility and his alone to parent his DSD during his contact time, if he can't even do that then why on earth is he taking on more than 50% (obviously because he thinks you'll actually be the one doing it).

When he is doing 100% of the parenting of his contact time with DSD then he's obviously welcome to increase that amount as he sees fit.

SunIsComing · 19/05/2021 14:08

How old are your dc and dsd?

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:09

DC is 1.5, DSD is 9.

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 19/05/2021 14:10

I know it's not your problem, but how much time does the ex get to herself? Or how often do you have DSD at yours in other words?

AnyFucker · 19/05/2021 14:10

Haha. Nope.

Bat back the “women’s work”

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:11

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I know it's not your problem, but how much time does the ex get to herself? Or how often do you have DSD at yours in other words?
We have 50:50 at the moment. 3 days one week, 4 the next.
OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/05/2021 14:11

How much parenting does he do with the toddler, incidentally

lottiegarbanzo · 19/05/2021 14:13

Why not tell him you want more time to yourself, so he'll be looking after your DC more. You don't have to consult him, do you, just tell him.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/05/2021 14:14

What happened for the previous 7.5 years?

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:15

@AnyFucker

How much parenting does he do with the toddler, incidentally
He's quite good tbf when he's home from work. Although I'd guess you say he gets to do the fun bits. Playing, reading story, bath time whatever... although will do dirty nappies and feeding and so on too. But I do all of the day time stuff as I'm not in work most of the week. I don't mind that so much as obviously it makes sense as I'm here more and he isn't, it wouldn't make sense for him to take time out of work to do nursery run for example when I can do it.

But I will be working more hours later on this year so it will need to be more evenly split then. I will have to see what he's like then.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 19/05/2021 14:15

So if you have DSD more than 50%, will her mum pay maintenance as she would be legally required to? That suggestion could nip this in the bud.

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:17

@arethereanyleftatall

What happened for the previous 7.5 years?
He managed it himself funnily...! Between clubs and making time up occasionally with work.

But yes, I fell into the 'I may as well help as I'm around anyway' trap and now I feel unable to get out of it without being met with 'well why can't you?'

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 19/05/2021 14:17

Obvs it will turn out to be really difficult for him to fit in any more childcare, among his important, serious pursuits. Whereas you need only wave the magical wand of womanliness to conjur extra time / energy / capacity to care for children.

Singalongasong · 19/05/2021 14:17

YANBU but it'll be an uphill battle.

Apart from anything else, if there is a change of arrangements, do it in Sept, not just before the summer hols.

I can't help feeling sorry for DSD though. "Help" your DH be a better dad who makes her lunches and takes her to school.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/05/2021 14:17

Well you can 'well why can't you?' back.

Mintjulia · 19/05/2021 14:18

I agree with morechocolate Time to be unavailable.

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:19

@TheFlis12345

So if you have DSD more than 50%, will her mum pay maintenance as she would be legally required to? That suggestion could nip this in the bud.
No, DH would never ask anyway.
OP posts: