Page 8 | To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

LeJuice · 2021-05-19T12:57:48+00:00

Currently have DSD 50:50. I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon. DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( [hmm] ) Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me. I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem. At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc... I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me. I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC. So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

DifferentHair · 19/05/2021 23:59

Mumsnet advice can get so ludicrous.

No one in real life would advise you to storm off to court or threaten divorce because your husband wants you to do one more day a week of school runs.

This warrants a frank conversation with DH, and assuming he's a somewhat sensible person, not much more.

I think it's ridiculous and again, not grounded in real life experience, to think that a SP can completely abdicate all caring responsibilities for one small child while home caring for their sibling in front of the SC's eyes. It's weird. You would be lashing out to make some churlish point about your marriage at the expense of your DSD feeling wanted and cared for in her own home. You need to view your household as a whole, your extended family as a whole. Everyone has different needs and these change over time. This 'me vs you' 'yours vs ours vs mine' mindset is childish and could be really toxic to SD.

That's not to say you have to be at his beck and call or become the default parent to either child, especially now you're returning to work.

Talk to your DH. Say you felt railroaded by having this new expectation thrown at you without consultation. This isn't working for you. Etc etc.

DifferentHair · 20/05/2021 00:01

@HeckyPeck

I only work 4 days a week and my off day falls on a DSD day and I don't ever do school runs. Just the same as I don't ask DH to muck out my horses for me on his days off.*
*
tell me you didn't just compare caring for DSD to shoveling your animal's shit. That poor girl.

BusyLizzie61 · 20/05/2021 03:14

@waitingforthenextseason
DSD's Mum has her own child 50% of the time, meaning she has 50% of the time 'to herself'. Your DH should not be catering to her request for yet more time, especially at your expense.

I wouldn't want less time with my child, however, we have no idea of her situation.

She maybe working 60 hours a week to survive. So actually, she finds the childcare element too much. Maybe would prefer an eow scenario where she has quality time? Maybe the 4 days 3 days doesn't work well anymore. We don't know how that's shared do we. Maybe that always worked more in the op's oh's favour. The op's oh may have the child 50% of the week, but certainly isn't with the child 50% nor doing all the care.

However, I disagree that the op should be creating a scenario where say the oh has to make up time at work AT THIS TIME. She's currently a very PT worker, sahm mainly, so this would be counterproductive and mean in effect the whole family see less of the oh because op doesn't want to collect the child from school?
Collecting from school is a pain in the arse, I get that. But the op is supposed to be in a relationship, a team member etc and chose to embark on this with a man with a child and then add another child to the mix. This seems to be commonplace that they appear so "accepting" and then want to pull the rug when they get their own biological baby and say I'm not doing that anymore!
Not doing the school drop off and pick up at this time, is imo short sighted and churlish. With regards food, do you not prepare for everyone? The oh or are you going to say you only prepare food for your child and you? Laundering clothes, is it really such a big deal? Making packed lunches - presumably oh needs one anyway, so he can presumably make one for his dc too? Again though, if you're making a packed lunch for nursery is it really such a stretch to make 2?

DifferentHair · 20/05/2021 03:31

It's really doesn't ring true for me that a mother wouldn't want at least 50% care of a child that young for purely hedonistic reasons. And that her ex would just facilitate that without question.

I really think there must be more to it, OP hasn't given us the background.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 11:21

Collecting from school is a pain in the arse, I get that. But the op is supposed to be in a relationship, a team member etc and chose to embark on this with a man with a child and then add another child to the mix. This seems to be commonplace that they appear so "accepting" and then want to pull the rug when they get their own biological baby and say I'm not doing that anymore!

I'd say OP has already done more than her share for the team given that she does everything for her SD every time she's 'with her dad', which is 50% of the time.

Where is DH's part in this team? Seems like he just gets to have the children then leave them to his wife and his ex to care for.

He should never have agreed to having SD extra unless he is planning to, at the very least, be there himself.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 11:25

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU to expect your DH to take responsibility for hi is DC.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ()

And in another few years you will not make disparaging faces when a woman says she needs a break from her DC and would like their DF to pull his weight.

OP is a parent herself, why would she need to wait years before not making disparaging faces?!?!

I'm sure OP would also love time to herself but she's looking after her own 2 year old and also looking after someone else's 12 year old half of the time, and now potentially more. She gets zero child free time so I don't blame her for making a face when asked to work even harder to give someone else time away from their kid!

Ilovedthe70s · 20/05/2021 12:46

Sorry if this has been answered, I couldn’t see it in any of the OP’s posts.
I would want to know why she needed the extra time to herself, if she’s got a new bloke and wants her daughter out of the way so they can have hot monkey sex all over the house I’d be saying jog on. On the other hand if she’s something like an ICU respiratory specialist she’s possibly had a year from hell. Some of the medics I know have started to struggle with PTSD after a huge event such as Covid has been.

Just a random thought to consider before we, as strangers on a forum, judge?

Egghead81 · 20/05/2021 13:12

@3Britnee

I'd show him this thread.

Most people don’t give a damn what a group of anonymous mumsnet posters think!

Egghead81 · 20/05/2021 13:15

@Ilovedthe70s

Sorry if this has been answered, I couldn’t see it in any of the OP’s posts. I would want to know why she needed the extra time to herself, if she’s got a new bloke and wants her daughter out of the way so they can have hot monkey sex all over the house I’d be saying jog on. On the other hand if she’s something like an ICU respiratory specialist she’s possibly had a year from hell. Some of the medics I know have started to struggle with PTSD after a huge event such as Covid has been.

Just a random thought to consider before we, as strangers on a forum, judge?

This is mumsnet We are given the info provided by the OP

Yes you can turn every thread in to a series of speculative scenarios

Or you can give a response based on info provided

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 14:24

@Ilovedthe70s

Sorry if this has been answered, I couldn’t see it in any of the OP’s posts. I would want to know why she needed the extra time to herself, if she’s got a new bloke and wants her daughter out of the way so they can have hot monkey sex all over the house I’d be saying jog on. On the other hand if she’s something like an ICU respiratory specialist she’s possibly had a year from hell. Some of the medics I know have started to struggle with PTSD after a huge event such as Covid has been.

Just a random thought to consider before we, as strangers on a forum, judge?

This is a bit of a leap, but even if that was the case, it's still not OP's problem to pick up that slack.

It's not our place to judge why this mum might want a break, definitely. And I don't judge her at all.

What I do judge is this dad agreeing to 'have' his daughter for extra on top of the 50% that 'he' already has her when he knows he's not around to look after her himself and that it leaves his wife having to do an extra day of school runs, packed lunches, snacks, dinners, homework and everything else that comes with having a school-aged child, as well as looking after a 2 year old. It's just not on.

If he wanted to help his ex, what he should have said is "Ok, you need a break but we can't do anymore days as I can't be around and it's too much for my wife on top of what she already has going on, so let's look at some other solutions like clubs, brownies, activities or family who might love to have her round for dinner". Not just signed OP up for more work she doesn't want to do without even speaking to her first.

colgatewhite · 20/05/2021 14:41

These dads, and in this case the mum too, who want some other woman to do the childcare. I like to imagine them staring at their children lovingly when they're just born and saying to each other 'one day she'll be someone else's problem'.

TheOrigRights · 20/05/2021 15:07

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself

Can you have my DS2 as well as I don't get any time to myself?
Since you already have zero time to yourself, you won't be any worse off if you have my DS as well.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 20/05/2021 15:54

[quote BusyLizzie61]@waitingforthenextseason
DSD's Mum has her own child 50% of the time, meaning she has 50% of the time 'to herself'. Your DH should not be catering to her request for yet more time, especially at your expense.

I wouldn't want less time with my child, however, we have no idea of her situation.

She maybe working 60 hours a week to survive. So actually, she finds the childcare element too much. Maybe would prefer an eow scenario where she has quality time? Maybe the 4 days 3 days doesn't work well anymore. We don't know how that's shared do we. Maybe that always worked more in the op's oh's favour. The op's oh may have the child 50% of the week, but certainly isn't with the child 50% nor doing all the care.

However, I disagree that the op should be creating a scenario where say the oh has to make up time at work AT THIS TIME. She's currently a very PT worker, sahm mainly, so this would be counterproductive and mean in effect the whole family see less of the oh because op doesn't want to collect the child from school?
Collecting from school is a pain in the arse, I get that. But the op is supposed to be in a relationship, a team member etc and chose to embark on this with a man with a child and then add another child to the mix. This seems to be commonplace that they appear so "accepting" and then want to pull the rug when they get their own biological baby and say I'm not doing that anymore!
Not doing the school drop off and pick up at this time, is imo short sighted and churlish. With regards food, do you not prepare for everyone? The oh or are you going to say you only prepare food for your child and you? Laundering clothes, is it really such a big deal? Making packed lunches - presumably oh needs one anyway, so he can presumably make one for his dc too? Again though, if you're making a packed lunch for nursery is it really such a stretch to make 2?[/quote]
Funny how you talk about being a team and then you make a list of things that OP should do.

fishonabicycle · 20/05/2021 16:00

This sounds like a totally rubbish idea - DSD's mother will get 4 days child free, while the OPngets an extra child to look after and no time child free at all

HeckyPeck · 20/05/2021 18:20

[quote DifferentHair]@HeckyPeck

I only work 4 days a week and my off day falls on a DSD day and I don't ever do school runs. Just the same as I don't ask DH to muck out my horses for me on his days off.*
*
tell me you didn't just compare caring for DSD to shoveling your animal's shit. That poor girl. [/quote]
That's a very dramatic response.

"Poor DSD" is one of those rare horsey people who enjoys mucking out so she wouldn't be insulted if I did compare the school run to that to her face. Which we all know I didn't of course.

What I'm saying is, my husband and I both had pre-existing responsibilities before meeting each other. Neither of us try to foist the responsibility onto each other. Obviously it one of us were ill, we'd help each other out.

I wouldn't have got a horse (and the one I got for poor old DSD) if I was just going to palm off the druge work on my next partner. Same applies to the drudge work of parenting.

Laudaroc · 21/05/2021 09:57

That poor step child! Imagine being her stuck in this mess with no one really wanting to have her.
Shame on you all! Put the child first ffs. This post has made me sad and angry

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 10:04

@Laudaroc

That poor step child! Imagine being her stuck in this mess with no one really wanting to have her. Shame on you all! Put the child first ffs. This post has made me sad and angry

It is sad for her that neither of her parents can be arsed to look after her.

It's not sad that someone who isn't her parent is sick of picking up the slack for them.