To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

[LeJuice]

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

You should stick with the original arrangements. and so should the ex.why does she need more time for herself.? Does the SD have any say about and changed arrangements that her Mother would like.

OP - I don’t mean to be rude but is the real issue he is prioritising his ex’s needs without any consideration for yours? I find it hard to believe if someone works less hours and are able to, wouldn’t want to help with DSD.

@Faithlulu

OP - I don’t mean to be rude but is the real issue he is prioritising his ex’s needs without any consideration for yours? I find it hard to believe if someone works less hours and are able to, wouldn’t want to help with DSD.

Come on... There is helping and then there is essentially being expected to be the resident parent whilst the actual parents get to go about their lives unburdened with any of the drudgery of looking after their own kids.

You are not being unreasonable at all. It was disrespectful that your DH agreed to this without discussing with you first and yes to maintenance as well.
The main thing for me is that it sends really bad message to your DSD that her parents just push her aside to any family member who is available rather than enjoy their time with her.

It will be a difficult conversation but it need to be done ASAP. Her mum might books the weekend away or classes in the next county or anything else.

@DifferentHair

He 💯 should not have agreed to that without asking you.

But, you're married, you're a blended family. If your family set up is that you're the primary carer and he is the primary income earner then i don't think it's reasonable to view caring for SD as some above-and-beyond favour you're doing for him. Presumably your household would cop a financial hit if DH started leaving work at 3pm every day to pick up DSD. That's not a realistic alternative.

Also I wonder if there is more to DSD's mothers situation? Why does she need more time to herself? She already has a lot. Are there health reasons etc? DH's instinct to support his ex wife and parent collaboratively is good- his execution (ie not talking to you first and expecting you to do even more) absolutely sucks.

Anyway, just to say that family circumstances are more nuanced than a forum like this allows for. I don't think your DH is a dick or that he married you so you would do wife-work etc. I think people get fired up quickly on few facts, we obviously never have the full picture.

Agree with that. DH was a total dick for agreeing without consulting the OP. But, to all the posters saying that he needs to do all/most of his DSD's childcare - how is that going to work in practice? Are you suggesting that the DH cuts down his work so that he can look after his DD, while the OP is also being (mainly) a SAHP to their DS? Because that's not going to work, is it?

The reality is that - during the working week - the parent who is doing childcare needs to do it for both DC, when the DSD is staying. But the OP and her DH need to agree:

1. How much the DSD will stay
2. How they carve up paid work vs childcare
3. How childcare is fairly distributed outside of working hours - when the DH should be doing at least half of his DS's care, and most of the DSD's care.

YANBU, OP. What was his response when you told him he would have o be here?

Also how is the 50/50 split and why can't be around some of the time to take care of his DD?

I had a friend who liked to get out of uncomfortable family situations by saying she had joined some sort of “health class”. I doubt she did, and I wouldn’t recommend lying, but you could perhaps busy yourself with things for you... gym, yoga, etc... I’m sure a lot of these places have crèches for your little one.

Others are using up your time, mainly your husband in this case, use your time yourself! I’m busy should be enough. Dickhead.

@DifferentHair

He 💯 should not have agreed to that without asking you.

But, you're married, you're a blended family. If your family set up is that you're the primary carer and he is the primary income earner then i don't think it's reasonable to view caring for SD as some above-and-beyond favour you're doing for him. Presumably your household would cop a financial hit if DH started leaving work at 3pm every day to pick up DSD. That's not a realistic alternative.

Also I wonder if there is more to DSD's mothers situation? Why does she need more time to herself? She already has a lot. Are there health reasons etc? DH's instinct to support his ex wife and parent collaboratively is good- his execution (ie not talking to you first and expecting you to do even more) absolutely sucks.

Anyway, just to say that family circumstances are more nuanced than a forum like this allows for. I don't think your DH is a dick or that he married you so you would do wife-work etc. I think people get fired up quickly on few facts, we obviously never have the full picture.

Seriously?!

How much more of a financial hit would DH cop if OP wasn't home to look after his DC?

Supporting an ex-wife to the detriment of your current wife by expecting her to provide the bulk of care to his DSD is madness.

@AnneLovesGilbert

YANBU. He’s buying his and his ex’s leisure with your labour. Rude.

This.

*to his DD

I can sympathise the difficulties of an 8 year age gap though. Finding activities that occupy both. Pre-schooler activities that have to fin around school drop off and pick up - no going to visit friends after nap time.

The OP only has another 5 months being at home much and to actually socialise with her first and only DC. Especially after lockdown it seems that her DH has just blown all the plans in her mind of what she could do when DSD wasn't there and basically say that they don't matter.

The reality is that - during the working week - the parent who is doing childcare needs to do it for both DC, when the DSD is staying

OP is doing that already. But she doesn't need to give up more of her week so that her husband's ex can have a break from kids she already doesn't have 50% of the week. If the DH wants to give that to his ex, HE should be the one facilitating it not OP.

Maybe she really enjoys those few days with just her own DC, not being tied down by the school run or having to be back by a certain time to pick up DSD etc... Maybe it interrupts OPs DCs nap in the afternoon and makes it harder for her later on and so on... There are lots of reasons why OP may not want her entire week taken up with looking after DSD and her own DC whether or not she works.

It's the parents job. If Dad can't possibly do it because he's at work then unfortunately Mum doesn't get her break. Not, Mum gets a break, Dad's day is undisturbed and OP gets dumped with two kids all week.

@CrackALack - not saying OP needs to be “resident parent”, DH should help when at home/weekends/school holidays etc.. Just think if you are not at work and are able to drop off/pick up from school and pick up a little more for the sake of DSD then why not. Imagine how DSD would feel, picking up on her mum not wanting her as much - not OP’s fault of course.

When does your DH get child-free recreational time, and how does it compare to your own?

I find this the hardest thing to balance- even if it isn’t weekly, we try to make it balance over a month- but it is a huge source of conflict. With the current system you have it sounds like it’s really hard to get that.

@LeJuice

I think posters have hit the main problem tbh.

It's the fact I don't really get any time at all to myself childfree and now there is the expectation that I'll just care for DSD more than I already do. When is my free time?!

I appreciate when you have DC free time is a rareity but it seems everyone else is getting it but me.

I know this is an old MN chestnut but sit down and calculate how much awake free time you have, and how much he has. Not working, doing housework or childcare.

Then estimate how many extra hours of work the extra day will create, and work out whether H should do it (because he does less now) or you should (because you do less now, LOL).

I know this is an old MN chestnut but sit down and calculate how much awake free time you have, and how much he has. Not working, doing housework or childcare.

Then estimate how many extra hours of work the extra day will create, and work out whether H should do it (because he does less now) or you should (because you do less now, LOL).

There is just no way OP should take care of DSD anymore than she currently does. That's madness. She gets zero time to herself as it is.

@Aprilwasverywet

Maybe ask why he is happy to facilitate his ex having more freedom while your responsibilities will be added to..?? Make it a very simple question...

Absolutely this - why is he making her life easier by making yours more difficult?!

With a 50/50 split, she already has plenty of time by herself, more than most mothers, I'd imagine, and definitely more than most mothers after a split from their partner.

@AnneLovesGilbert

YANBU. He’s buying his and his ex’s leisure with your labour. Rude.

This. He's spending your time for you. These men are all the same. The post about how a lot of these men remarry for the free childcare, domestic work for their existing kids with the bonus of sex on tap are spot on.

I'd tell him he does it all himself or I'll walk. And mean it.

You're completely right that he is entitled to have his daughter more if he wants BUT he has to be the one to look after her, it most definitely shouldn't fall on you. And I'd also tell him you expect him to use holiday or pay for holiday club in the school holidays too. You do sound a bit resentful of how much you already do for DSD so I'd also take a look at what you want to change. When my dsd came to live with us I said I was happy to do school runs as I didn't work around those times but shouldn't be expected to make the packed lunch and do all laundry for example.

Knowing that your child isn't wanted at their other parent's house and stepping in is absolutely the right thing to do. It is crappy that DSDs mum doesn't want her around, but unfortunately OP, your DH will have to step up. If that means he has to cut working hours then he will have to.

You need a sensible conversation with him. Can you afford for DH to cut his hours without you having to work FT? Remember that if DSD is with you more often you should get the child benefit and maintenance from his ex.

[quote Faithlulu]@CrackALack - not saying OP needs to be “resident parent”, DH should help when at home/weekends/school holidays etc.. Just think if you are not at work and are able to drop off/pick up from school and pick up a little more for the sake of DSD then why not. Imagine how DSD would feel, picking up on her mum not wanting her as much - not OP’s fault of course.[/quote]
OP already has hardly any free time, and taking on DSD for more time will wipe that out completely. She's also mentioned she'll be taking on more hours at work later on this year, so that has to be factored in. As well as her comments that indicate her DH will not have considered that he needs to take annual leave to care for his DD, but appears to have mentally dumped it on OP already.

Both of the DSD's actual parents need to step up here. Her mum already has 50% child free time, way more than OP does, and OP's DH also has effectively child free time, because he's dumped it on OP.

OP is quite right in pushing this back onto her DH.

He is being very unreasonable agreeing to this without asking you first.
Does he ensure you time to yourself like his ex ?
The thing is he sees his children equally and doesn't differentiate between them.
But you do as you are not the biological mother to all them and therein lies the issue, he thinks if you are looking after one you can look after the other, but you dont see dsd as your responsibility,you just need to be clear on this and he needs to ask you before agreeing to anything like this.

Just think if you are not at work and are able to drop off/pick up from school and pick up a little more for the sake of DSD then why not

Well firstly it's for the Mum's sake not DSDs. Unless the Mum is planning on dumping her on the doorstep and leaving then I'm assuming if DH says no sorry we can't do any extra days then the Mum will carry on as she is.

And secondly, why not is very simple, because this is exactly how you end up getting the piss taken out of you.

How many mother's between work and children have completely free time, regularly, 50% of the week? Not very many I imagine and not OP. The DSDs Mum is already getting more childfree time than OP is as it is. Doing even more is just being a mug imo.

And there are practical reasons why not too.

Maybe OP wants those days free to take her DC out, to see friends, to see family or whatever and not have to rush home for the school run. She's entitled to make plans for her time without expecting her husband to spend it for her.