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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

192 replies

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 13:57

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( Hmm )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

OP posts:
GroovyClementine · 19/05/2021 16:55

This is often what happens when a woman has a child with someone who has children from a previous relationship.

You're a new mum now so you're mum to everyone.

The "while you're there, you can...." premise

You are going to have advantage taken if you don't start saying no. You are on course to get completely buried underneath all the expectations of you are not careful.

Bibidy · 19/05/2021 16:56

It's actually shocking how many men are willing to mistreat their actual partner/spouse just to keep their exes sweet.

OP, I'm glad you said something to him, he has no right to agree to this believing it meant you would be doing everything for his daughter for yet another day.

If he wants to help his ex by giving her (even) more free time then he can do it himself.

Bibidy · 19/05/2021 16:57

@sadie9

Part of your problem is that you are not asking for free time for yourself. You sit there and hope someone notices how tired, drained, busy you are but you don't say 'from now on you look after these two all day Saturday and all of a Wednesday evening from 6.30 to 9pm I'll be in the other room watching my Netflix so pretend I'm not here'. You married a guy with a daughter, it's kind of tough shit you can't choose to parent one kid and not the other just to pay back his Ex. You are also angry with your DH but suppressing that and instead you are blaming his Ex. " But I don't like the expectation that because his ex needs a break..." His Ex is guilt tripping him by saying she doesn't get a break. What's really going on there is she wants him to pay him back for going off with you instead of her. In both cases, this daughter is being used an emotional manipulative tool by you and the Ex to express your anger at this man. The Ex sends her over with the message 'she's a burden I'm tired you have her'. You are saying to your DH 'she's a burden I'm tired you have her'. The poor girl.
This is a mad comment.

The Ex sends her over with the message 'she's a burden I'm tired you have her'. You are saying to your DH 'she's a burden I'm tired you have her'.

She's not OP's child!! She shouldn't even NEED to say this to her DH because he should be 'having her' whenever she's around anyway.

Egghead81 · 19/05/2021 17:00

We have 50:50 at the moment. 3 days one week, 4 the next

Who would honestly want to live their life like this?

And yet it’s common to subject children to this

It’s hard for me as a single parent with ex having EOW (and three morning school drops - he collects them as drops them off) but the children have a bona fide “home”, a proper base.

Egghead81 · 19/05/2021 17:01

It’s not about what suits the parents when going separate ways
It should be about what is entirely in best interest of children

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 19/05/2021 17:01

YANBU at all, his ex is a CF. She only has her child 50% of the time as it is, how much more free time could she possibly want? Sounds like she’d prefer to be a weekend parent. If that’s the case, she needs to pay maintenance. Of course your DH shouldn’t rely on you to put the majority of the leg work in either. She’s not really your responsibility, it’s kind of you to offer as much help as you already have but you aren’t obliged to.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 19/05/2021 17:06

YANBU.

If and when you want to help that's totally fine. There shouldn't be the assumption that you're the default carer, when you're not even the child's parent. He can even have her full time if he wants, as long as he sorts out school runs, breakfast club, childcare in the afternoon, homework,feeding etc. He can't take the responsibility of being a parent for extra days when he's not doing any of the parenting.

SeaShoreGalore · 19/05/2021 17:07

I feel unable to get out of it without being met with 'well why can't you

You could say 'Because I don't want to,'

Gymsmile21 · 19/05/2021 17:07

I would agree to have step daughter if I got an entire weekday and half a weekend day to myself, meaning DH minds his daughter and our shared child. Why should everyone be getting a child free break apart from you!?

herecomesthesunagain · 19/05/2021 17:09

I find it astounding that some PP are saying 'poor kid' like it's your fault. Her parents are the ones causing the damage. It must be crap to have your mum trying to off load you because she needs a break from you, and your dad absenting himself. Great parenting!

Just refuse to do it. She has two parents, who have agreed to split the parenting 50:50, hence need to do that.

I take it you are a not registered childcare provider, so what happens if something happens to the her while you are in charge? You're not insured, you don't have parental responsibility, you have not agreed to be responsible. Dodgy ground (or a handy get out clause)

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 17:15

It's not your problem to solve, op, but Jesus; the poor kid.
Her Mum has her 50% of the time and it's too much!
Your dh needs to step up, not you.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 19/05/2021 17:16

You are not a babysitter OP. Is the mum depressed and can't cope maybe? It's up to your partner not you. I'd be annoyed at that too x

Bluedeblue · 19/05/2021 17:18

So if you have DSD more than 50%, will her mum pay maintenance as she would be legally required to? That suggestion could nip this in the bud

You've skimmed over this, but she really does need to pay maintenance if you are having her more than 50% of the time.

This said, if you marry someone with children, you really ought to be prepared to have that child all the time. They come as a package deal. What if the mother dies, for example?

I would never want to take on someone else's children, and if I was single I wouldn't date anyone with kids for this very reason.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/05/2021 17:18

How much more does the mum want and when

She has 3 days one week, 4 the next time free from her dd

I feel sorry for her dd tbh

But yes obv dh should do more.

KeyWorker · 19/05/2021 17:20

I think it’s really sad that this little girls Mum wants to be her main carer for less than 50% of the time. Perhaps you should bring up the issue of her Mum paying maintenance and go from there.

VanceRefridgeration · 19/05/2021 17:21

Ahhh mumsnet bingo at its finest (Stepmum edition)

But you knew he had kids ✅
She's jealous as you're the OW ✅

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 19/05/2021 17:26

@Bluedeblue

So if you have DSD more than 50%, will her mum pay maintenance as she would be legally required to? That suggestion could nip this in the bud

You've skimmed over this, but she really does need to pay maintenance if you are having her more than 50% of the time.

This said, if you marry someone with children, you really ought to be prepared to have that child all the time. They come as a package deal. What if the mother dies, for example?

I would never want to take on someone else's children, and if I was single I wouldn't date anyone with kids for this very reason.

Have the child yes. Do all the parenting for that child? Well that's debatable, but in general the answer is no.
Newkitchen123 · 19/05/2021 17:33

Not that it makes any difference but does she work?

billy1966 · 19/05/2021 17:38

Well OP, I just hope you think long and hard before you have another child with a man who clearly has zero respect for you and considers you the house skivvy.

He is more considerate of his ex than you.

Unfortunately you have him allowed to gradually increase his disrespect for you and he and his ex are united in the belief that you are the skivvy child minder.

Easy to belief he does little for either child.

They both have a real mug made out of you.

You clearly aren't viewed as someone that deserves the least bit of consideration.

Him agreeing to something without giving you even the basic courtesy of checking is what you should be reflecting on.

God help you if your relationship bar is so low that this was all you ever expected from a partner.

As for his ex, she must be thrilled that you are such a mug.

I'm being deliberately harsh OP, because you need to have a good hard think.

You deserve better but unfortunately you don't seem to realise it.🤷🏻‍♀️

Couldhavebeenme2 · 19/05/2021 17:39

@TheFlis12345

So if you have DSD more than 50%, will her mum pay maintenance as she would be legally required to? That suggestion could nip this in the bud.
This.
Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 17:46

@Newkitchen123

Not that it makes any difference but does she work?
Yes she does.

I don't really get the 'what if her Mum died' argument. If her Mum died that would be a really tragic situation but entirely different.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 19/05/2021 17:53

And a lot of PPs seem to be thinking this is only going to be one extra day a week (not that that's OK). We don't know how much time the ex is going to want 'to herself'. It could end up being most of the time.

waitingforthenextseason · 19/05/2021 17:53

DSD's Mum has her own child 50% of the time, meaning she has 50% of the time 'to herself'. Your DH should not be catering to her request for yet more time, especially at your expense.

He takes the time himself of he says no. AND you need to tell him you need some childfree time as well. His ex is getting a heckuva lot more than you are!

Egghead81 · 19/05/2021 17:54

@Newkitchen123

Not that it makes any difference but does she work?
If she didn’t

Save to say the OP would have probably (and rightfully) headlined with that fact

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/05/2021 17:55

billy is spot on. These men are 10p a punnet. 95% of the time there's a really valid reason why the mother of their first children split with them. It's amazing how often they find a woman to mug off and dump parenting and life's donkey work on them.

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