Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

192 replies

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 13:57

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( Hmm )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 19/05/2021 16:14

Well it made sense at the time, to look after DSD, but the circs have changed now, and that's why 'well, why can't you?" = no. But frankly it would be the taking your time for granted that really pissed me off. I would be having a big talk about expectations, what is reasonable, and time off for you all.

sadie9 · 19/05/2021 16:15

Part of your problem is that you are not asking for free time for yourself. You sit there and hope someone notices how tired, drained, busy you are but you don't say 'from now on you look after these two all day Saturday and all of a Wednesday evening from 6.30 to 9pm I'll be in the other room watching my Netflix so pretend I'm not here'.
You married a guy with a daughter, it's kind of tough shit you can't choose to parent one kid and not the other just to pay back his Ex.
You are also angry with your DH but suppressing that and instead you are blaming his Ex. " But I don't like the expectation that because his ex needs a break..."
His Ex is guilt tripping him by saying she doesn't get a break. What's really going on there is she wants him to pay him back for going off with you instead of her.
In both cases, this daughter is being used an emotional manipulative tool by you and the Ex to express your anger at this man.
The Ex sends her over with the message 'she's a burden I'm tired you have her'. You are saying to your DH 'she's a burden I'm tired you have her'.
The poor girl.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2021 16:18

The whole thing needs re organising, so that the two people providing the care are mainly your dsd's mum and dad.

Weekends and weekdays should be shared equally between the mum and dad if they are 50:50, not one getting more of the weekdays and the other more of the weekends - is that what’s happened here? So your DH is at work when dsd is with you?

It needs to be arranged so that you do a minimum of helping out, not the majority of it.

And whichever parent has less of the time post “rejig” would need to pay maintenance.

Wiredforsound · 19/05/2021 16:21

Have you asked him why he thought it was ok to give you extra childminding duties without consulting you?

Notaroadrunner · 19/05/2021 16:21

So you don't even have a child at school yet and you are the one traipsing to school to drop and collect DSD? And now he expects you to do more of that? Why on earth do you sort her lunches, clothes etc? That's his role as her parent. It would be different if you had kids at school who you had to make lunches for and drop and collect. Tell him to cop on. Don't give in as inevitably you will be left doing the bulk of childcare for his dd for the summer too. I'd take this as an opportunity to figure out how he can parent his dd without always relying on you.

CarolinaInMyMind · 19/05/2021 16:22

You're absolutely in the right - stand your ground.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/05/2021 16:26

Not being funny but if you are with someone who has a child from a previous relationship they do sort of become your problem too. Not being funny but did uyou not read the part where OP says that ALL of the care for DSD falls to her?

That the childs birth parents BOTH rely on OP to look after their child?

Engage brain before disparaging step parents!

MeridasMum · 19/05/2021 16:26

OP have you actually discussed the practicalities with your DH? What did he say about the extra commitment from you?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2021 16:27

Whenever I read these threads I think “what would it be reasonable for my kids’ step mum to do”. She basically looks after her own baby with exh (pretty sure she does by far the lions share there!) and is nice company around the place for my dc.

She doesn’t look after them solo ever, or certainly not look after my 7 yo. She doesn’t put them to bed ever, do school runs or cook specifically for them (although like me they take meals altogether). I wouldn’t expect her to!

She did have my 12 yo Dd with her when exh was out the other day (I didn’t ask for this, Dd just arranges her time to make it logistically easiest to get her school stuff to and from school). That was a first! But she wouldn’t do any caring as such for Dd - more likely Dd would hold the baby for her for a bit while she got her own dinner (Dd had eaten)!

Viviennemary · 19/05/2021 16:28

The ex needs to go through the courts if she wants less contact time. We all want more time to ourselves. Cf.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/05/2021 16:29

@Viviennemary

The ex needs to go through the courts if she wants less contact time. We all want more time to ourselves. Cf.
Or she could do as she has done and ask, see hwat her ex says... and then he can sort it out for his kid.

Not every diviorced couple need the courts.

Sjdmcfeet · 19/05/2021 16:30

Iv never understood these arrangements, I have DD 2 and SD 10 and unless her dad is home from work she doesn't come round here , I was firm wirh this from the start as ultimately she isn't coming to see me she is coming to see her father , my DH works same hours every week and DSD comes round when he is home
I'm not really concerned how his x wife feels about this it's not my concern she isn't my daughter she is their child between them

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 16:30

“Well, why can’t you” indeed. Is this fucker paying you for your time?

A respectful spouse wouldn’t dare agree to this without consulting you, let alone speak to you that way.

It might now be time to teach him a healthy level of respect for you.
Sadly, sometimes respect is not freely given and you must instil it and demand it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2021 16:31

You can’t really go through the courts to get less time - you go to get more time!

I don’t want less time with my Dc than is agreed - although I do get annoyed when exh just dumps them on me in his time!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2021 16:32

@Sjdmcfeet I agree with you! It’s surely their dad they come to see not step mum! It’s not a way of saving money on maintenance or of looking like he’s a dad.

bigbaggyeyes · 19/05/2021 16:42

YANBU OP. I think he was bloody rude to agree to it and not make arrangements for his dd, even rider to simply expect you to do it. At this point there's no way I'd step in .

MSQuinn · 19/05/2021 16:46

I’d be furious. The fact he’s not even asked you is really selfish and rude.

NoMLMbots · 19/05/2021 16:47

How considerate of him to put his ex wife's needs and wants (free time) before your own....

current doormat @LeJuice can pick up the slack and look after his child and ex wife have free time - you have own children so you are not being unreasonable to make him/tell him to do the running around after DSD

NoMLMbots · 19/05/2021 16:48

@Sjdmcfeet

Iv never understood these arrangements, I have DD 2 and SD 10 and unless her dad is home from work she doesn't come round here , I was firm wirh this from the start as ultimately she isn't coming to see me she is coming to see her father , my DH works same hours every week and DSD comes round when he is home I'm not really concerned how his x wife feels about this it's not my concern she isn't my daughter she is their child between them
Spot on.

Sounds like you have it sorted.

Too many women run themselves ragged trying to please everyone.

katy1213 · 19/05/2021 16:50

So do you get any time to yourself?
Far from stepping up to do more, I'd back off from doing anything - it's his job.

Love51 · 19/05/2021 16:52

If he really doesn't get it could you say you told a parent he's looking a niece / nephew / friend's child on Saturday? Just to illustrate how annoying it is to have your time taken for granted and dictated by someone else?
I have a 9 year old. The hardest thing about her is she impinges on working hours -that age are basically fun and easy! Is there a complex back story or siblings she fights with at the other house that mean it is tricky for her mum?

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 19/05/2021 16:52

Sounds like it would be better if OP went back to work FT and then her DH could go PT and look after both the DC together and have more time with his older DD.

Nuggetnugget · 19/05/2021 16:52

Absoultely agree you need to back down and let him take over the reins. Laundry etc

Anotheruser02 · 19/05/2021 16:53

Time to price up after school club and let him know what time he needs to leave work to collect her. The maintenance from DSD's Mother and the child benefit for her should cover it.

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 16:54

That's a hell of a lot of assumptions Sadie...

You married a guy with a daughter, it's kind of tough shit you can't choose to parent one kid and not the other just to pay back his Ex

Is this strictly true though? Surely it is quite normal that I'd do more parenting of my own DC than of DSC who have two parents already.

You are also angry with your DH but suppressing that and instead you are blaming his Ex. " But I don't like the expectation that because his ex needs a break..."

It's just a factual account of the situation. Ex has said she wants a break, I've been expected to pick up more.

What's really going on there is she wants him to pay him back for going off with you instead of her

He didn't 'go off' with me at all. Are you assuming I'm the other woman? I was not. They hadn't been together for a while when I met DH and were never married, she had already moved on with someone else herself when I came around. We've never really had any issues between us.

OP posts: