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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

192 replies

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 13:57

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

OP posts:

anuvamotherhood · 19/05/2021 14:47

YANBU, he should only say yes if he's going to be there you may be a step mum but she's not your responsibility also if your having her more than 50 percent of the time make sure you put in for her child tax/child benefit.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/05/2021 14:47

I'm sorry but how does the ex not have any time to herself?? She has exactly HALF of her time to herself!

But on the question you actually asked, I would make it clear that he needs to pick up all of the slack where your step daughter is concerned. He's taking advantage of your kindness and the only way he will see it is if you stop doing everything for him.

anuvamotherhood · 19/05/2021 14:48

I'd also make the point why does she need more time to herself when she has 50 percent of the time child free? What about you? When do you get a break?

CrackALack · 19/05/2021 14:49

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU to expect your DH to take responsibility for hi is DC.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ()

And in another few years you will not make disparaging faces when a woman says she needs a break from her DC and would like their DF to pull his weight.

IMAGINE, just imagine if a father who didn't have his kids 50% of the week told his ex she would need to have them more because he needed a break... JUST IMAGINE.

I can guarantee, no one would say this ^^ as if he was entirely reasonable anyway.

AdaColeman · 19/05/2021 14:53

That's quite a major change in your childcare arrangements, and it certainly should have been discussed between the two of you before it was agreed to.

Is there a new man in the offing for his Ex, is that what has led to this?

Why are the needs/desires of his Ex being given more validation than your own? What does that say about how he views or values you?

Maybe you should take up a new hobby @LeJuice, to get you out of the house at weekends, perhaps cycling?

Crunchymum · 19/05/2021 14:56

How much more time per week would your family be having DSD @LeJuice?

motogogo · 19/05/2021 14:57

If you are having her more than 50% then things like schools need to be convenient to your house etc. He needs to step up more but I also think he needs to get to the bottom of why the mum wants her dd less? If it's selfishness I would say no, stick at 50/50, if it's mental health, work problems etc perhaps it's a cry out, asking to have your child less is unusual

TheTeenageYears · 19/05/2021 14:59

@LeJuice how are finances organised? On the one hand DH needs to be taking care of DSD however if he were to need to reduce his hours in order to do so what would the impact be on you/the family? Having DSD for more than 50:50 and not applying for maintenance is unreasonable, not asking you and expecting you to pick up the slack is also unreasonable however I think this is more complicated than just his DD, his problem - that's not what being a family is about. There needs to be the right balance of household chores, child rearing and leisure time for each of you. There is absolutely no point in not picking up DSD from school if you aren't working then or paying for after school club just so DH can collect her. Of course revisit things when you increase working hours and let DH know that all childcare is subject to change depending on your work schedule.

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/05/2021 15:01

He’s a cheeky bugger.

RandomMess · 19/05/2021 15:02

Time to book your social life on the family calendar over the school holidays NOW and erm no you aren't free to have DSD he'll have to arrange holiday club or take leave or perhaps say no to his ex?

Eviebeans · 19/05/2021 15:04

If you are asked why can't you about not doing a particular task it is okay to say because I don't want to

NewlyGranny · 19/05/2021 15:05

When he asks, "Why can't you?" he needs to be shown he's asking the wrong question. A "Why can't you..?" question stem can have many endings. Try some out on him!

Like, "Why can't you give half your spending money to charity?" Because he could if he wanted to; he just doesn't choose to. And he's under no obligation to. And anyone who tries to make him feel bad about his decision is guilt tripping him. That's your answer to him.

And why not say, "If you want your ex to have more leisure time, there's lots of ways to do that without giving her what little I have without even asking. That's exploiting and taking me for granted, not your generosity. Why not dedicate some of the money you spend on yourself to buying in some cleaning or gardening help for her?"

Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough · 19/05/2021 15:06

I can't wait for the next time a poster says the ex can't take the child more often because of the new OH.

Also, nice to see that the needs of the child in question don't seemingly matter on here.

Not being funny but if you are with someone who has a child from a previous relationship they do sort of become your problem too.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/05/2021 15:08

I'd start leaving both children with your DH at weekends and getting out of the house to visit friends or go for a walk because, guess what, you need some time to yourself too.

Original poster

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 15:09

@Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough

I can't wait for the next time a poster says the ex can't take the child more often because of the new OH.

Also, nice to see that the needs of the child in question don't seemingly matter on here.

Not being funny but if you are with someone who has a child from a previous relationship they do sort of become your problem too.

I'm not saying he can't have her at all. She can stay all the extra she likes as far as I'm concerned. But I don't like the expectation that because his ex needs a break I'll just pick everything up without even being asked.

That's not the same as saying he can't have her 'because of me' at all. He can, but he should be the one to parent during that extra time is all I'm saying.

OP posts:

ImThePatronSaintOfTheDenial · 19/05/2021 15:12

@Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough

I can't wait for the next time a poster says the ex can't take the child more often because of the new OH.

Also, nice to see that the needs of the child in question don't seemingly matter on here.

Not being funny but if you are with someone who has a child from a previous relationship they do sort of become your problem too.

50/50 seems quite fair to me, why should op take on even more so the mum (who has 3 days child free 1 week and 4 days free the next) can have even more time to herself?

3scape · 19/05/2021 15:13

Have you asked him when he is going to facilitate you having some time to yourself? Because he seems keen to help

RedMarauder · 19/05/2021 15:13

@RandomMess

Time to book your social life on the family calendar over the school holidays NOW and erm no you aren't free to have DSD he'll have to arrange holiday club or take leave or perhaps say no to his ex?

This with bells on it.

If possible can you and your toddler go away for some of the days that your DSD is here?

I mean DSD should have some one-to-one time with her dad.

Berthatydfil · 19/05/2021 15:13

Well I think it’s time you start doing more with your time as things are beginning to open up.
So conversation can go
Dh - You can take sd to school on x,y,z day
You -no I can’t as I’m taking dd to a,b,c activities so you will have to do it (starting around 9 and taking place at the opposite end of town)
Dh- but I told ex she could come here on those days
You - well you made those arrangements without telling me and she’s your child plus it’s un workable for me so you need to sort it out or do you think that dc shouldn’t get to do these things because I should be picking up your parenting?

NewlyGranny · 19/05/2021 15:14

And PPs are right that if DD spends over 50% of her time at her DF's home, her DM needs to start paying maintenance.

That might mean an expensive trip to court. Or if he expects you to mind DD for him, he needs to negotiate where he will ease your existing load to compensate, like buying in cleaning or gardening services for your home. Whatever jobs irk you most, he does or outsources from his personal spending money.

Faced with tasks like taking his ex to court and doing the household laundry, the idea will soon die a natural death, I reckon.

Branleuse · 19/05/2021 15:14

he should have discussed this with you, clearly, since its you who will likely be expected to do any extra work this entails.
Id suggest that if they are saying they want main residency to be at yours, then you will expect the child benefit to come to you and also maintenance to be paid, as well as your dh doing more to enable it

Eviebeans · 19/05/2021 15:15

There's no doubt that your partner should have discussed this with you before agreeing to what sounds like a very ad hoc arrangement for providing childcare so someone else can have leisure time at the expense of your time. Put it to him and see what he says. Don't just leave it to build up into a major problem by the time it is actually happening especially as your time will be extra precious when you are working more.

TiltTopTable · 19/05/2021 15:16

So both of the child's biological parents expect you to do more parenting than they do. That's nice of them isn't it?

Newkitchen123 · 19/05/2021 15:18

@Mytiredeyeshaveseenenough

I can't wait for the next time a poster says the ex can't take the child more often because of the new OH.

Also, nice to see that the needs of the child in question don't seemingly matter on here.

Not being funny but if you are with someone who has a child from a previous relationship they do sort of become your problem too.

But the point is he didn't even check with her

Original poster

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 15:21

I think posters have hit the main problem tbh.

It's the fact I don't really get any time at all to myself childfree and now there is the expectation that I'll just care for DSD more than I already do. When is my free time?!

I appreciate when you have DC free time is a rareity but it seems everyone else is getting it but me.

OP posts:

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