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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

192 replies

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 13:57

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( Hmm )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 19/05/2021 17:56

YANBU. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He’s agreeing to her having more leisure time at your expense. Sod that.

middleeasternpromise · 19/05/2021 17:59

Did you say you also have children of your own OP? If so how often are they with you and your husband? Does he help with them either through financial support or direct care? Families coming together have more to work out and making it fair can be hard. I would agree with others the child's mother asking for more time is your starting point but perhaps also checking how you and your husband individually see the balance of contribution - a discussion about that may prevent hurt feelings of being taken for granted.

Newkitchen123 · 19/05/2021 18:03

@egghead81 I figured that would be the answer but given how much of a CF the ex is, nothing would surprise me!

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/05/2021 18:03

“Well why can’t you?”
And the answer is
“Because I need more leisure time, she is your daughter and I haven’t chosen a career as an unpaid childminder”.
Please do ask about how much maintenance her Mum will be paying and make sure you get out of the house and do some nice, fun things for yourself even if it is simply going for a walk with other Mums with toddlers.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/05/2021 18:04

I hope you stand firm in your refusal when you get the inevitable "why can't you" and maybe answer that you have enough on your plate and need a rest too.

From where I'm sitting both your husband and his ex are thoroughly selfish and taking the piss.

She gets half the week to herself - what more does she need ffs!??

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 18:06

OP, does your partner consider you a partner or a slave? It’s only slaves who can have their labour used for the purposes of others without any say in it.

It’s not the poor DSD’s fault, or even her mother, this firmly and solely at your so called DP’s door. Twat.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/05/2021 18:06

“Well why can’t you?”
And the answer is
“Because I need more leisure time, she is your daughter and I haven’t chosen a career as an unpaid childminder

Perfect response.

Egghead81 · 19/05/2021 18:07

[quote Newkitchen123]@egghead81 I figured that would be the answer but given how much of a CF the ex is, nothing would surprise me![/quote]
I don’t see her as the CF

She asked a question of her ex

But it’s the OP’s partner that accepted knowing the OP picks up the implications

Aprilwasverywet · 19/05/2021 18:34

If her dm died she wouldn't be needing a break!!. And you wouldn't be her personal free child care...

EL8888 · 19/05/2021 18:46

They’re taking the piss; ex only has her 50/50. Your partner lm somewhat taken aback by. Surely he should have your best interests at heart? Do you not deserve to have some time to yourself? Tell him to crack on BUT he is to sort everything himself.

RedMarauder · 19/05/2021 18:47

You can’t really go through the courts to get less time - you go to get more time!

Yes you can Grin

The Courts want the child(ren) to have a good relationship with both parents and have their needs met by them, including their emotional needs. Their emotional needs include not being dumped randomly on their other parent's household to suit their mother.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 18:50

@RedMarauder

You can’t really go through the courts to get less time - you go to get more time!

Yes you can Grin

The Courts want the child(ren) to have a good relationship with both parents and have their needs met by them, including their emotional needs. Their emotional needs include not being dumped randomly on their other parent's household to suit their mother.

Imagine a kid finding out their parent actually approached the court to decree the time they spent with their child was excessive. What the fuck? That is seriously grim.
Kissthepastrychef · 19/05/2021 18:54

"But why can't you ? "

The only answer to this is "because I don't want to"

If you keep giving reason x,y,z then he will find solutions because it's in his best interests. You can't argue with "I don't want to do it so I'm not going to". And it's a very reasonable reason.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 19/05/2021 18:54

@RedMarauder

You can’t really go through the courts to get less time - you go to get more time!

Yes you can Grin

The Courts want the child(ren) to have a good relationship with both parents and have their needs met by them, including their emotional needs. Their emotional needs include not being dumped randomly on their other parent's household to suit their mother.

No they don't.

The many absent fathers don't actually have to go to court to stop seeing their children.

The mum could refuse to have DSD back at all and there would be no need to go to court. A court would also do fuck all about it, except perhaps allow full custody to the father.

LouiseTrees · 19/05/2021 18:55

@LeJuice

Or is he planning to do their pick ups and laundry etc?

I think he'd have been quite happy for me to carry on doing it.

This started because I was working a lot less when we had our DC so instead of him taking time out of work to do X and Y, I helped with it because I was at home anyway and he was working.

Its an expectation now though I feel and sort of met with a 'well why can't you?' if I ever suggest I'm not doing something.

Well just explain you can’t because your workload is larger now and it’s time for a reevaluation of who does what on the basis of the changes in circumstances which have occurred
RedMarauder · 19/05/2021 18:57

@GreyhoundG1rl it wouldn't be argued like that .

GabriellaMontez · 19/05/2021 19:03

Wow. Between your dh and his ex they appear to have offloaded much of their parenting responsibilities to you!

HeckyPeck · 19/05/2021 19:18

Bloody hell. He is taking the right piss!

I only work 4 days a week and my off day falls on a DSD day and I don't ever do school runs. Just the same as I don't ask DH to muck out my horses for me on his days off.

My thoughts are that DH is already only doing half the parenting of DSD, which is what together parents would do in theory. Why would he want to do less than half? That would make him a pretty shit parent.

I would start making plans (maybe a group with your toddler) and explain that you've relalised you are doing far more parenting than him which isn't fair on you or DSD. Don't do the school runs etc if you don't want to or if there's something else you'd rather be doing.

Dontbeme · 19/05/2021 19:21

“Well why can’t you?”

Well darling husband, why can't you? You agreed to this so how are you going to meet this obligation that you willingly agreed to?

I would be returning to work full time ASAP and prepping to be a single parent because I think you just got a glimpse of why his other relationship ended.

Babygotblueyes · 19/05/2021 19:52

Whatever you do and dont do for the kids, the issue here is that he is happy to commit you to a major change without consulting you first. There is such a lot of disrespect here, it is hard to know where to start. Dont let him make it about your time - the issue is he doesnt think enough of you to make joint decisions.

violetbunny · 19/05/2021 20:16

YANBU. He should do the parenting for the extra time she comes. And I would start insisting he does more of the parenting during the 50% of the time she is already with you. He's gotten far too comfortable and is taking you for granted.

3Britnee · 19/05/2021 21:55

I'd show him this thread.

eatsleepread · 19/05/2021 22:22

Poor kid though. I hope she doesn't pick up on all of this.

GreyhoundG1rl · 19/05/2021 22:51

@3Britnee

I'd show him this thread.
Why do people suggest stuff like this? If he's not prepared to listen to his wife, why would he be swayed by the opinions of online random strangers?
Cherrysoup · 19/05/2021 22:52

So he’d rather prioritise his ex’s free time over yours? Don’t fucking think so! Just no. So rude, assuming you’ll just deal and have even less time to yourself.

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