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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this unless DH sorts everything himself

192 replies

LeJuice · 19/05/2021 13:57

Currently have DSD 50:50.

I work part time since our DC was born at the moment but should be working more hours soon.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... ( Hmm )

Anyway... DH has said that's fine just let us know when and then came and told me.

I have said it's not happening unless he makes sure he is available to do everything required himself in which case I've no problem.

At the moment because of the way we work, I end up doing everything basically when DSD is here. School drop off, pick up, food, clothes, packed lunches etc...

I also have my own DC to care for too and frankly I'm pissed that he's agreed to this assuming that I'll just add another day of doing all this without even speaking to me.

I don't mind her being here. But I am starting to get fed up with the expectation that I will do all of this when she is, on top of everything I do for my own DC.

So AIBU to say if she's staying extra time DH will need to find a way to do everything needed during that time?

OP posts:
MournfulTromboneNoise · 19/05/2021 14:21

There's probably loads of great Dad's out there who have married women who are wonderful step mums and they never take the piss.

However, if I listen to my friends and people on here I'd swear some men just remarry for childcare and domestic help.

Savingyourprivates · 19/05/2021 14:21

YANBU at all. I’d say the ex is being a cheeky fucker but it’s your DH that’s allowing this. And to not even ask you first! Put your foot down, not your responsibility.

RandomMess · 19/05/2021 14:22

You need to point out contact is for DSD to have time with him not so her Mum can have a break ConfusedHmm

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/05/2021 14:22

What AnyFucker said. Another man with a kid who found a convenient woman to do his parenting.

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:22

@MournfulTromboneNoise

There's probably loads of great Dad's out there who have married women who are wonderful step mums and they never take the piss.

However, if I listen to my friends and people on here I'd swear some men just remarry for childcare and domestic help.

You know, it was never a problem before! But I definitely think it's a case of 'well Juice isn't at work anyway so may as well'.
OP posts:
Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 19/05/2021 14:23

If you have her 50:50 already, how on earth is ex 'not getting any time to herself'?!

3Britnee · 19/05/2021 14:24

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I know it's not your problem, but how much time does the ex get to herself? Or how often do you have DSD at yours in other words?
How much time do you get to YOURSELF op?
Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:25

How much time do you get to YOURSELF op?

Without at least one DC? That would be none 😂

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/05/2021 14:27

If it's truly 50-50, then his ex's claim that she "has no time to herself" is pretty poor, isn't it? Poor kid!

Obviously he should have discussed increasing contact time before agreeing when it directly affects you.

On the other hand, if you work v PT in order to care for your DC, and he financially supports that, then I think it does make sense in a blended family that you would then also sort the childcare for DSC too rather than expect him to alter his hours as the main wage-earner.

So it's not clear cut.

But any change to the arrangement should be discussed looking at the impact on everyone, and if you are increasing your hours then it definitely should be looked at now, so that you discuss how that works for everyone involved.

quizqueen · 19/05/2021 14:29

Those who take over all the care of step children from the beginning will usually be expected to do and more . I don't know why they do it in the first place unless they are completely happy to do so. Lessons to be learned here on mumsnet for all those in that situation.

HappyHedgehog247 · 19/05/2021 14:30

I really feel for DSD here. Imagine a mum who only has her half the time anyway now wanting even less of her :( Poor kid

YANBU to be cross about unreasonable expectations put upon you though.

timeisnotaline · 19/05/2021 14:32

I’d phrase it as so at the moment I look after our child nearly all the time, and dss when she’s here and you volunteer my time to do extra dsd parenting even though I’m not her parent, so your ex can get more of a break. I’m your partner - what are you doing so I can get a break? The evidence says if I split up with you I wouldn’t have to look after dsd and Id have dc 50% of the time plus you’d have them extra if I asked for a break, seems like being your partner isn’t a win here.

RandomMess · 19/05/2021 14:33

He is doing the default carer assumption which isn't ok with they are step DC or not.

He should accept things that make more work for the other parent without asking/discussing/running it by them first.

Would he agree for an evening or day out with friends without checking first?

Would he sign a child up for an activity class that would mean the other parent had to take them etc?

That's what he is doing, making the op the default parent and it isn't ok.

IntermittentParps · 19/05/2021 14:33

if you work v PT in order to care for your DC, and he financially supports that
As the OP practically supports him having children and still being able to work FT.

I think rather than getting into arguing about 'why can't you?', you need to sit down with DH and map out your time (both of your time I mean) as it will be when you increase your hours. That should make clear to him that you simply can't have DSD more without him doing his share.

As things stand now, though, sorry for being dim but I don't get why it's 'another day of doing all this' – doesn't she go to school etc on the same days as your other DC?

RandomMess · 19/05/2021 14:35

@IntermittentParps OP means another day of her life restricted by having a school aged child instead of only a toddler.

Urgh and how I hated the school run for my eldest when I had toddlers in tow as well!!

Aprilwasverywet · 19/05/2021 14:36

Maybe ask why he is happy to facilitate his ex having more freedom while your responsibilities will be added to..??
Make it a very simple question...

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:39

[quote RandomMess]@IntermittentParps OP means another day of her life restricted by having a school aged child instead of only a toddler.

Urgh and how I hated the school run for my eldest when I had toddlers in tow as well!![/quote]
And not only this but I am very aware that the summer holidays are approaching...!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 19/05/2021 14:40

When you are discussing this with DH, make sure you know exactly how you would want school holidays to work. Because I can guarantee that he will not be intending to take half or more of them off work (if indeed he has the holiday allowance to do so).

DifferentHair · 19/05/2021 14:40

He 💯 should not have agreed to that without asking you.

But, you're married, you're a blended family. If your family set up is that you're the primary carer and he is the primary income earner then i don't think it's reasonable to view caring for SD as some above-and-beyond favour you're doing for him. Presumably your household would cop a financial hit if DH started leaving work at 3pm every day to pick up DSD. That's not a realistic alternative.

Also I wonder if there is more to DSD's mothers situation? Why does she need more time to herself? She already has a lot. Are there health reasons etc? DH's instinct to support his ex wife and parent collaboratively is good- his execution (ie not talking to you first and expecting you to do even more) absolutely sucks.

Anyway, just to say that family circumstances are more nuanced than a forum like this allows for. I don't think your DH is a dick or that he married you so you would do wife-work etc. I think people get fired up quickly on few facts, we obviously never have the full picture.

IntermittentParps · 19/05/2021 14:41

Thank you, RandomMess, I see now! I was being too literal Grin

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2021 14:42

YANBU to expect your DH to take responsibility for hi is DC.

DSDs Mum has said she'd like us to have her more as she doesn't get any time to herself... (Hmm)

And in another few years you will not make disparaging faces when a woman says she needs a break from her DC and would like their DF to pull his weight.

MadinMarch · 19/05/2021 14:43

He's being very unreasonable for all thereasons already mentioned by others.
Ex is a CF
How would/does DSD feel about the possibility of having less time with her mother?
And when do you get time for yourself? You seem to be very bottom of the pile when it comes to wants and needs.
The contact needs to remain at 50:50 and your partner needs to be more considerate, grateful and hands on.

Original poster
LeJuice · 19/05/2021 14:44

when a woman says she needs a break from her DC and would like their DF to pull his weight

With respect, she is already with us 50% of the time so I don't think your comment is entirely fair. It's not like she's here EOW.

OP posts:
Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 19/05/2021 14:45

Basically he's expecting you to look after her more than her own mother does. I would not be impressed.

user1471538283 · 19/05/2021 14:46

This is just choice and is akin to people who spend your money for you. He thinks he has agreed it and has delegated it to you.

I would tell him that it is a terrific idea for DSD but you will not be doing anything to facilitate this or the rest of the 50%. He wants extra time with his DD, he has got it! As you say the summer holidays are coming up and you will be expected to have her for the whole time betcha!