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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 16/05/2021 19:05

I don't see the issue. There's a huge 10 year plus age gap

ForTheLoveOfWine · 16/05/2021 19:07

Eh? Waiting for the drip feed because I can’t see the issue Hmm

ALevelhelp · 16/05/2021 19:07

I'm guessing there's a lot more to it?

KatySun · 16/05/2021 19:08

Are you concerned about inheritance? That is the only possible issue I can see, aside from potential emotional ones but it really is between your ex and your son.

Stripeyduvets · 16/05/2021 19:08

He sounds like a caring person, all the more so because he has asked your opinion about it.

Happycat1212 · 16/05/2021 19:08

I can’t see the problem?

steff13 · 16/05/2021 19:09

Presumably he's already supporting the step child, so it won't make much practical difference. I do think he should consider your biological child's feelings. My husband's mother did this, and it's caused him a lot of resentment.

1Morewineplease · 16/05/2021 19:10

Agree that it shouldn't be a problem.
As another pp has said, are you worried about inheritance?

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/05/2021 19:10

He's committed enough to his step-child to consider adoption, I'd be proud of anyone who was prepared to do that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 19:11

It’s between him, his partner and his step child surely? Why’s he asking you?

Standrewsschool · 16/05/2021 19:12

That’s a really lovely thing for him to do. I don’t really see the issue.

Has he been the step-dad to the child for a long while. If so, he’s just formalising the relationship.

What practical implications do you envisage? What are you upset about?

GroovyClementine · 16/05/2021 19:15

You're correct. It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

NakedBanana · 16/05/2021 19:15

I'd hate it OP, I can't tell you why, as I don't know!

Yes I'd be worried about inheritance, but as you say that has nothing to do with you. Also the long term, what if they split up? Would your child still have contact with with her new step sister.

My mind would be spinning too but it's your child he needs to be discussing it with.

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

Yeah complete mind fuck. But don't worry the mumsnet keyboard warriors will be along soon telling you what a terrible person you are!

HollyGoLoudly1 · 16/05/2021 19:18

What has made you so upset about it? At face value, it seems like a lovely thing to do and I'm sure would mean a lot to the stepchild.

lockdownalli · 16/05/2021 19:20

I would think it was utterly bizarre that he wanted to discuss it with me.

It's absolutely none of your business OP. Can you articulate why you are upset about it? How do you see it affecting you?

FelicityPike · 16/05/2021 19:25

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.
Are you worried about your child’s inheritance?

Aprilx · 16/05/2021 19:27

You were correct to say that it is nothing to do with you, I am not really sure it is anything to do with his adult child either. He could have had another biological child of his own, this is no different.

MonkeyPuddle · 16/05/2021 19:29

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. DS won’t be getting an inheritance from his dad so that would affect him.
I would be impressed if my ex had the capacity for caring to want to adopt the child.

Original poster
EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:30

@NakedBanana exactly how I feel.

@lockdownalli I can’t articulate why I feel the way I do. He spoke to me to me first to suss out how our adult child might feel.

I do feel that their relationship is compromised because of this child... having a half-sibling is kind of organic but adopting a step-sibling is something else.

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%. I know mumsnet hates this.

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 19:33

Not sure why he asked you rather than informed you when he knew if it was happening but I guess maybe he thought you might have an idea how your son would react? Or he trusts your opinion. It's between him and his son now he is old enough.

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/05/2021 19:33

While discussion with the older child would be nice, it's not really their choice to make. Most people wouldn't consult their adult child before having another baby. Having another child doesn't mean he loves the existing one less. I don't really see why it's such a problem, and it won't change anything practically for the older one, apart from their potential to inherit perhaps, but presumably that's years away and it seems like a very greedy reason to dislike the idea. I really don't see why you would be so horrified. Presumably the child's own father is not around, so it will simply means that the step child effectively has 2 parents, putting them on an equal footing with your own child

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 19:34

having a half-sibling is kind of organic but adopting a step-sibling is something else. are you against adoption in general or just when it affects your child's inheritance? Why is adopting a child something else?

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/05/2021 19:35

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt? Because it makes him the child's legal father.

lockdownalli · 16/05/2021 19:36

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%

Then YABVU

If you had another child would you consider not providing for that child? Most people I know are full of admiration for those who have the strength and compassion to adopt.

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 19:37

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt? why does anyone adopt?! It's not an easy process so it's not like he will be doing it for fun.