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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
Joinedjustforthispost · 16/05/2021 20:03

Grabby much? Yabu your ex seems caring .

Dontknowheretostart · 16/05/2021 20:04

I cannot understand why anybody gets het up about inheritance. You should never assume you are entitled to someone else’s money. Ever.

topcat2014 · 16/05/2021 20:04

Where is the child's father in all this - I am assuming not known or something more tragic. It would be unusual to consider adoption where the father is just no longer in the relationship.

However, speaking as someone who adopted (but then the adoption sadly broke down) the process of adoption is totally about the best situation for the child.

Social workers will explore all history and other family trees etc of the prospective adopters.

By virtue of your link to your ex, you are part of that circle - hence Ex will have had to discuss it with you, and you may get contact from social workers to ask about how you view ex's child care abilities etc.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 16/05/2021 20:04

Is he a better father to the step child then he has been to your son? If so I'd get how it could feel like a slap in the face for his son, if they didn't have a great relationship and now he's having a second go at being a dad and making more of an effort to the point he's formalizing it. But that's making a load of assumptions.

Yokey · 16/05/2021 20:05

@ThatIsMyPotato

The inheritance is a red-herring: he can already leave his wealth to whomever, and if he's married, presumably his wife gets it anyway (so eventually the step child) he can put it in trust for his children
True. Have you discussed these things, @EWAB? Has he made specific arrangements?
HollyGoLoudly1 · 16/05/2021 20:06

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
I'm guessing there are advantages to your ex and the stepchild though? I assume the child's bio father isn't involved and your ex is the father figure but without any legal rights. It possibly makes a lot of sense from their side of things.

I'm sorry you're finding it so tough but there could be silver linings to be found in this for your DD - stronger family connections and certainty in where everyone stands in the other family. Try to focus on the positives.

Inheritance is never certain and honestly you don't know whether this even changes anything. If he's so committed to his stepchild it's quite possible the inheritance would be split regardless of formal adoption.

melj1213 · 16/05/2021 20:06

There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.

In the nicest possible way, this is not about you or your DC.

You have given no indication that you know anything about your Ex's current relationship, there could be any number of reasons why he wants to adopt his stepchild - it could be as serious as the child's mother has no family (or a toxic one), there are issues with the SCs father and they want to make sure if anything happens to her then the Ex has a legal "claim" to keep the child with him or as simple as they plan to get married and want to ensure they are officially a total family unit.

Either way your Ex does not need your permission to adopt his stepchild and if your only concern is how it will impact your child financially when your ex dies then it is selfishness of the highest order. For all you know your ex and his new partner could go on to have 5 children together and your child's "inheritance" would reduce significantly more than if they adopt their stepchild and ensure they are provided for.

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 20:13

His Will is none of OP's business, unless he chooses to discuss it with her but that would be unusual.

blubberyboo · 16/05/2021 20:14

Your son isn’t guaranteed to get any inheritance anyway. If he is married it is more likely to go to his wife especially if no will and under a certain threshold. Then on her death it would go to her child

This might actually be an opportunity for you to bring such matters up and make sure he has made arrangements for both his children if so important

WyfOfBathe · 16/05/2021 20:17

I am currently working on the paperwork to adopt my stepdaughter, who's also upper primary. On a day-to-day basis nothing much would change. It would legalise the relationships that already exist rather than change them: she's already my daughter, she already calls me 'mum' and refers to my biological DC as her brother and sister.

I'd be surprised if the adoption changed much on a practical basis for your child either, although the emotional impact will clearly depend on the relationship they have with their stepsibling.

DH and I already have mirror wills splitting everything between our 3 children (stepDD + 2 together). You may find that your child's inheritance from his father is split whether or not the adoption goes ahead.

Scramblerr · 16/05/2021 20:17

This is such a nasty thread. Imagine genuinely hoping a child isn't adopted because you think it's more important that your child gets money that they didn't earn. Nasty nasty nasty. YABU (obviously)

MorganKitten · 16/05/2021 20:30

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
It’s not just about your child though, he’s doing a lovely thing adopting a child who needs a father. Why is that upsetting for you?
Mandalay246 · 16/05/2021 20:34

I can't see what the problem is, and good on him for wanting to do it.

Mandalay246 · 16/05/2021 20:38

I admit I am always a bit surprised by the MN posters who seem to prize biological relationships above all others.

I've often thought this too.

Rewis · 16/05/2021 20:46

I think this is one of those cases where OP only has responsibility to think what is best for her child. To her, the step child doesn't really matter. It rubs the OP the wrong way for some reason but she did not say it to anyone and instructed ex to talk to his son. That was good and mature response. As long as she doesn't do anything to stop it, it's fine. I'm not sure this has anythign to do with bio/adopted child. It's more that op cares about her own child and ex's step childs wellbeing is not something that she has to consider.

DangerNature · 16/05/2021 21:01

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

Because presumably he lives with this child’s Mother, acts like the Dad and wants to become the legal Father? My stepdad came into my life when I was 4, raised me as his own and adopted me when I was 11. It meant he had parental responsibility for me as before this he was turned away from things such as taking me to doctors appointments and being involved with certain things at school. It meant if I was in an accident and they couldn’t get hold of my Mum he could make decisions that needed PR. It also meant if something happened to my Mum he would still be legally my Dad.

OP is being very unreasonable to say it has no advantages to her adult child. It has all of the advantages in the world to the child being adopted. Your child is an adult. The only disadvantage in the future is what? Money? Which there’s no guarantee your child will get anyway.

CombatBarbie · 16/05/2021 21:09

More info is key to this situation having been in the situation of exploring DH adopting DD.

Essentially when I looked into it, I was told by the family courts and gingerbread that it is much preferred that a step parent applies for parental responsibility in order to protect the rights of the child's future inheritance. Essentially, a non adopted child can challenge the will of a father who has not made provision for them because they are a dick. If adopted, the child loses this right and whilst a 10yr old may "want" to be adopted, the bigger picture can have a massive impact for all concerned. Whilst the intentions are good, you cannot take legal rights away from them, they cannot reasonably make an informed decision.

Why does he want to do it? Is it so they can all have the same name? If so this can be done via deed poll with PR and bio fathers consent, if bio dad's not on BC this is fairly straight forward.

What are the circumstances of the child's bio dad? Is he on the scene, does mum know who he is? If he's known but just does not care then exP is gonna have to jump through hoops to get a court to agree.

The bio dad would (if applicable) have no financial ties to the child, your ExP on the other hand would and he would be liable in the event of a split for CMS.

CombatBarbie · 16/05/2021 21:11

And there was paragraphs 🤔

notturningintopowerranger · 16/05/2021 21:12

I’ve been involved in step-parent adoptions for work, I always find them fascinating. Often it speaks volumes of the step-parent’s love for the child.

I too would feel shaken, at any change to my child’s family dynamic that I hadn’t planned for, but I wonder if you could see this as a positive, a growth in family for your shared child. You will be able to process this, and make sense of it, but it will take time.

CoolCatTaco · 16/05/2021 21:14

I remember some of your other threads...you seem permanently very upset about what other family members do that aren't really any of your business. And if I remember correctly, your son has already had a large inheritance and you were terribly upset about it!!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/05/2021 21:15

Your child is an adult, how does this affect anyone but your ex and his stepchild exactly?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/05/2021 21:15

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
But it's not about your son
Rejoiningperson · 16/05/2021 21:16

This is a really tricky one.

I do think that the ‘it’s such a lovely act’ brigade are very naive. Women wouldn’t be told they were ‘lovely’ adopting a step child on the whole, they would be queried on whether they could really take on the responsibility and does the step child feel okay about it.

However I think it would really depend on context. Does he really need to adopt the child? Is it really necessary and good for the child? How long has been the child’s step father? Has he always lived with the child? Where is the child’s father? Etc.

Original poster
EWAB · 16/05/2021 21:19

I hope my child will accept the situation but I do know that they don’t like the new dynamic but they will have their own life in a couple of years.
Ex had been a good father. If ever a social worker approached me I would say nothing but positive things about him and so would our child. We would never jeopardise the adoption.
The bio father left when the child was a baby I don’t know if he’s on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
Original poster
EWAB · 16/05/2021 21:22

@CoolCatTaco it is my other child who has an inheritance.

OP posts: