Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

[ConfusedAdultFemale]

Sounds like a stand up guy

[TheStubbornGoat]

I think a lot of people are just saying it should be at least considered, how your existing child feels about any adoption, before you do it. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

My parents told me that they considered adopting once and spoke to me about it as a child. I don't remember it but apparently I was really upset about it and they decided not to go ahead with it because of that. I don't believe adopted children are 'less than' but my parents obviously considered my feelings about it before going ahead and took my reaction on board.

I appreciate this is a different as I was very young and this is an adult but as PP said, do we even know how old the son is? Everyone is talking about him as if he's a 40 year old man. He could just be an 18 year old "adult" still living at home.

[Ileflottante]

Op. You’re obsessed with inheritance.

[Allington]

my parents obviously considered my feelings about it before going ahead and took my reaction on board

Should parents not have a second birth child if the first is upset about it? Or does it only apply to adopted children?

Apparently my older brother was very jealous and hostile to me when I was born, should my parents have rehomed me to spare his feelings? (it blew over and by the time we were of school age we played together perfectly happily). Is there an age limit on consulting the first child? I mean, there's a reason why no-one is allowed to make significant decisions until they are 18...

[mainsfed]

Women are always being told to consider their children before moving a new partner in or blending families with new partner’s children but apparently when it comes to adoption, the bio children’s feelings shouldn’t be considered at all. Bizarre.

[YeOldeTurnip]

@Allington

my parents obviously considered my feelings about it before going ahead and took my reaction on board

Should parents not have a second birth child if the first is upset about it? Or does it only apply to adopted children?

Apparently my older brother was very jealous and hostile to me when I was born, should my parents have rehomed me to spare his feelings? (it blew over and by the time we were of school age we played together perfectly happily). Is there an age limit on consulting the first child? I mean, there's a reason why no-one is allowed to make significant decisions until they are 18...

I think there is a difference tbf. Perhaps not in the case of the OP as the SC is already known to the family but in a normal case of adoption, it can be very different to having a biological child. There can be difficult behaviour, trauma etc... I think most people would agree that adopting a child, whilst rewarding I'm sure, isn't easy in a lot of cases so no I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing it with your existing children first and ascertaining how they'd feel about it. It's a big commitment, not just from the parents, but the whole family.

[motogogo]

I must admit I would be pretty annoyed for my kids (similar aged to op) if their dad decided to adopted his dps dd, they are already a bit annoyed that he does things with her he never made time to do with them like the school run, parents evening, even went to soft play which he refused point blank with them. And yes inheritance is an issue, his life assurance is currently coming to me, part of the financial settlement and will change to my dc if I remarry, it's a lot of money

[YeOldeTurnip]

How often does it get said on threads about infertility for example that people don't like the suggestion of adoption because that's it's own challenge in itself and isn't just an easy solution. So comparing it so flippantly to your Mum and Dad just having another baby when you were a child is equally stupid.

Adoption isn't easy, a lot of the time the children involved have been through a lot, considering how that may impact your existing children before taking that on is the right thing to do imo.

[Allington]

Yes, as an adoptive parent I am quite aware of impact of early trauma on children, and the challenges involved in parenting.

That is because of the trauma that leads to the child being removed from birth parents, not adoption in itself. Having lived in a country where there is a lot of poverty, and therefore (sadly) plenty of healthy relinquished new born babies available for adoption, the vast majority of adopted children do not have significant issues.

But trauma isn't the case here though, is it?

[mainsfed]

@motogogo

I must admit I would be pretty annoyed for my kids (similar aged to op) if their dad decided to adopted his dps dd, they are already a bit annoyed that he does things with her he never made time to do with them like the school run, parents evening, even went to soft play which he refused point blank with them. And yes inheritance is an issue, his life assurance is currently coming to me, part of the financial settlement and will change to my dc if I remarry, it's a lot of money

I suspect this is more often the reality. Many people on this thread have an idealised vision of how bio children should react to their step-sibling being adopted, but humans aren't ideal, we're messy with messy feelings.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Ileflottante

Op. You’re obsessed with inheritance.

It's true. On other threads too.

Inheritance should always benefit OP's children, whether they are a step child or biological child to the person who has died. But other children must never benefit from the will of someone who has died if they are a step or adopted child, because in those cases it's still OP's children who should benefit.

Basically, as long as OP's offspring benefit over other children, that's ok but anything else is unfair and her feet are stamped.

Embarrassing.

[YeOldeTurnip]

That is because of the trauma that leads to the child being removed from birth parents, not adoption in itself

I never suggested it was because of the adoption itself.

I just don't think you can compare adoption with your parents just deciding to have another baby so flippantly. In a lot of cases it is not likely to be exactly the same, that's not offensive just true and is in no way saying adopted children are less than or matter less. Just that I personally think it's right to consider the effect on your existing children before doing so.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@motogogo

I must admit I would be pretty annoyed for my kids (similar aged to op) if their dad decided to adopted his dps dd, they are already a bit annoyed that he does things with her he never made time to do with them like the school run, parents evening, even went to soft play which he refused point blank with them. And yes inheritance is an issue, his life assurance is currently coming to me, part of the financial settlement and will change to my dc if I remarry, it's a lot of money

But OP's ex was by her account a fantastic dad who has always been very engaged and present, so it's a really different scenario.

[YeOldeTurnip]

But trauma isn't the case here though, is it?

No and I said in my post that it isn't the same situation as OP.

But you replied to a poster who said her parents spoke to her before going ahead with adopting asking if she'd have expected her parents to consult her if they'd just had another baby as if it's the same thing.

My response was, whether you like it or not, it can be very different a lot of the time, so considering your existing children is the right thing to do.

[mainsfed]

But OP's ex was by her account a fantastic dad who has always been very engaged and present, so it's a really different scenario.

But her DS is uncomfortable with this. Hopefully he and dad will talk about it and resolve any issues but I find the easy dismissal of bio children's feelings very uncomfortable.

[Allington]

@YeOldeTurnip so the previous poster, when consulted as a child, was aware of the issues of having a potentially traumatised child in the family?

Or possibly just didn't like having a sibling and sharing the attention...

[Allington]

@mainsfed

But OP's ex was by her account a fantastic dad who has always been very engaged and present, so it's a really different scenario.

But her DS is uncomfortable with this. Hopefully he and dad will talk about it and resolve any issues but I find the easy dismissal of bio children's feelings very uncomfortable.

But the easy dismissal of an adopted child's feelings is OK?

[Grapewrath]

My friends dad adopted his wife’s son
My friend was very resentful that her Dad didn’t live with her but chose to formally become the parent of children that weren’t his. She felt it was disloyal to her somehow. She said it was different to having step siblings somehow (she felt they would’ve been Dads responsibility) and it caused a real rift between her and her Dad which has never really been resolved sadly

[FirewomanSam]

I was away at uni aged 19 when my parents divorced and my dad remarried. His wife has a daughter who was 11 at the time. My dad has never adopted her but I wouldn’t have been upset at all if he had! She’s very much my sibling now and he gave her away at her wedding recently.

[FirewomanSam]

Although, to be fair, in my case my dad was the resident parent after the divorce who my other siblings still lived with and who I lived with in uni holidays. I guess I can see how a child might feel different if their dad doesn’t live with them but then adopts another child he does live with.

[Stitched77]

If you wanted to carry on controlling him and having a say, you should have kept a ring on it. As they say

[YeOldeTurnip]

[quote Allington]@YeOldeTurnip so the previous poster, when consulted as a child, was aware of the issues of having a potentially traumatised child in the family?

Or possibly just didn't like having a sibling and sharing the attention...[/quote]
No but their parents were... Hence speaking to their child before going ahead.

If they don't like the idea of a sibling so much that their reaction was enough to dissuade their parents from adopting, they must have been aware that it wasn't in their child's best interests to introduce a possibly traumatised child and everything that comes with into their family.

[YeOldeTurnip]

All I'm saying is it would matter to me, and be a huge consideration, how my existing child would feel about it and, even if they didn't fully understand due to their age, whether I as their parent felt they could cope with it. If I felt it may effect them negatively, then I wouldn't do it. There's nothing wrong with that.

[Allington]

What if, as a friend of mine happened, a subsequent biological child had significant disabilities? It will affect their older child's life. Should they leave it at the hospital and forget it ever existed?

Or is a biological sibling a 'real' sibling, not like an adopted child who is conditional on not being a problem?

[mainsfed]

But the easy dismissal of an adopted child's feelings is OK?

Who has dismissed them?

You insist on not seeing that a bio child may feel upset at their father adopted a step-sibling and being resident father. Can you really not see why it may be upsetting?