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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
KizzyMoo · 17/05/2021 01:28

Your ex sounds lovely. How nice of him to love the child like his own.

Floralnomad · 17/05/2021 01:36

I don’t see how practically it makes any difference to your shared child , the only issue would be inheritance and even without a legalised adoption your ex could easily include the step child in his will .

HahaAreyouSerious · 17/05/2021 01:38

You sound horribly bitter.
He did you a favour by even asking you tbh.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/05/2021 02:03

It's a huge sign of affection and care for another child. I can see why that might upset earlier children (and their mother).

Symbolically it can be seen as - I wouldn't try hard enough for our kids, but I like this kid enough to really give it go.

Of course, there is generally more to a separated family than one person "not trying hard enough" and if he's been a good father despite the divorce, it isn't quite the kick in the teeth it might otherwise be. But I still see where a sense of rejection can come from.

The inheritance issue is a bit of a red herring, I think. Anyone who is thinking about adoption would likely write any such child into their will regardless of the adoption going ahead.

Pinkylemons · 17/05/2021 02:13

Yes I’d have a problem with it. Yes it definitely does affect you and of course you should be worried about inheritance issues!

There’s not a lot you can do if that’s what he wants to do but I agree with you 100%.

starrynight21 · 17/05/2021 02:19

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%

But if he and his partner had another biological child it would affect any inheritance too - I fail to see what the problem is with him adopting . Inheritance can be affected by many factors ( including the possibility of there being nothing left to inherit by the time your ex dies). Even if he didn't adopt this child he could include him / her in his will .

BadNomad · 17/05/2021 02:26

The thing is if your ex has such strong feelings for his stepchild then chances are he has already written in his will that the child will inherit. And if there is no will then your joint child wont be getting anything anyway because it will all go to his current wife. The adoption makes no difference one way or the other to you or your child. The adoption is for your ex's family. It's not about giving your child a sibling. I'm guessing he just wants to be legally recognised as the kid's father and that's great imo.

LemonLimeFlower · 17/05/2021 03:12

Presumably there would be no inheritance for your adult child anyway, as his wife would inherit, should he die.

LemonLimeFlower · 17/05/2021 03:12

Ah previous poster said this already

PixieLaLa · 17/05/2021 03:44

Wow this is a horrible thread! OP you sound like a very nasty person using your ADULT ‘child’ as some sort of excuse for your bitter attitude. This poor step child doesn’t have a father in their life other than your ex and he sounds like a lovely caring person doing the right thing by his Step Child, if only there were more people like him.

ThatIsMyPotato · 17/05/2021 05:23

@starrynight21

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%

But if he and his partner had another biological child it would affect any inheritance too - I fail to see what the problem is with him adopting . Inheritance can be affected by many factors ( including the possibility of there being nothing left to inherit by the time your ex dies). Even if he didn't adopt this child he could include him / her in his will .

I think you've summed up why the inheritance isn't really affected. If anything it will just help reduce the chance of your son getting caught up in a dispute as they will both be "equal" in terms of the law. And dad might decide none of them get it or spend all his money.

I think you should focus on any potential impacts while your ex is alive rather than his death unless he has told you this is imminent.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 17/05/2021 05:36

As the “stepchild” who was once adopted by her step father, I think he is amazing.
You on the other hand… not so much.

knittingaddict · 17/05/2021 05:39

@honeybuns007

Apologies if I have missed it but where is DSCs biological father?
That's what I wondered too.

A friend adopted his step son many years ago and it was a long and complicated precess. The biological father wasn't on the scene at all and the child's interests were always paramount. A potential adoptive father's wishes were way down the list.

Moelwynbach · 17/05/2021 05:40

I think it sounds lovely as it will offer a child the long term commitment that parenthood offers.

Mandalay246 · 17/05/2021 05:51

I agree with a pp, this is a nasty thread with some unpleasant posters, including yourself OP.

Treemama · 17/05/2021 05:54

How long has he been part of this child's life and does he have any other children with current wife?

OnlyInYourDreams · 17/05/2021 05:58

Horrible thread.

As for saying that this is different to the child having a biological sibling, do you realise how incredibly offensive you are being? If your ex and his wife were considering adoption because they couldn’t have children of their own would you consider that to be wrong as well, what with the child not being biologically related to your child and all?

As for inheritance, the fact he has a wife means she will probably inherit all his money anyway, and if she does would be free to not leave any to your child.

Or alternatively he could leave it all to charity, inheritance is not a given, and frankly I have no time for anyone who bangs this drum.

SimonJT · 17/05/2021 06:09

The people saying “why adopt?”

I take it you would be happy if there was zero legal link between you and your child/ren?

SimonJT · 17/05/2021 06:12

@thehorsealreadybolted Oh, so if my son isn’t my own child whose is he?

Porkee · 17/05/2021 06:20

I think this is one of those cases where OP only has responsibility to think what is best for her child. To her, the step child doesn't really matter

This.

I get what posters are saying with 'its not about advantaging your child but his step child' but I don't think OP has any responsibility to care about that. She is obviously going to more concerned about any potential impact on her own child be that financially, emotionally etc... than any positives for a step child she doesn't even know.

I think it's easy to say what a wonderful thing it is when you have no skin in the game but I imagine most of us, in this situation, our very first thoughts would be how it may possibly effect our child(ren). That's natural imo.

Porkee · 17/05/2021 06:27

This poor step child doesn’t have a father in their life other than your ex and he sounds like a lovely caring person doing the right thing by his Step Child

As bad as it sounds, why should OP care about that? Obviously she's going to be more concerned about her own child and how this may impact them than a step child she doesn't know. Why is that so shocking and awful?

There are plenty of MN threads about people feeling worried for their kids when an ex has a new baby with new wife / partner etc... I don't see why the same worries can't apply when you're talking about adoption.

When an ex has a new child, however they do that, it's perfectly natural to worry about how that may effect your existing child.

Tavannach · 17/05/2021 06:29

His other - adopted - child, who is still an actual child, definitely will benefit from the recognition and stability and your ex is doing the right thing.
Your ex has come to you because he wants your help to support your mutual adult child and this should really be your only concern.
Inheritance doesn’t come into it and your ex’s will is simply none of your business.

MiddleParking · 17/05/2021 06:40

I’d be horrified if I was in your son’s position OP, or yours. Not just about inheritance (although it’s weird that people are pretending you’re evil for even considering it) but the whole thing. Having got to adulthood with his own father being his own father, is your son now going to be expected to think of this kid as just as much his dad’s son as he is? Because that would be a big fat no thanks from me if I was him. Completely weird and hurtful.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 17/05/2021 06:42

This is such a nasty thread.
Perhaps they have thought ahead that if anything we to happen to the mum then your ex would have no legal relationship with the child and therefore lay not be able to maintain a parental relationship with them.
I doubt it has anything to do with inheritance, he doesn’t need to adopt the child to treat them equally in his will. And I suspect if he’s seriously considering this then he is likely to have already made provision in his will adoption or no adoption.
I can’t really see how it changes his relationship with his eldest son. Like you said there’s such an age gap they’ll unlikely be a relationship.

DeathStare · 17/05/2021 06:43

it is my other child who has an inheritance

Woah. So you have two children from two relationships? You had a child, separated, moved on, had another child? Did you ask your first ex partner's permission before having your second child? Would you have not had him if your ex partner had concerns about inheritance (or whatever)?

Of course not. You're a hypocrite.

And for those of you talking about watering down an inheritance - you're all missing the point. There is no guaranteed inheritance to OP's child. The father (or paternal grandparents) could already have a will splitting the inheritance. Or leaving it all to his wife. Or the stepchild. Or the dogs' home. If he has no will is wife would inherit.