Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

One of my adopted kids was my stepchild. I adopted him because I love him and I had been his mother since he was 18months old. If my children by birth somehow resented him because of money then I’d be really disappointed.

@OwlBeThere I don't know your circumstances and I'm certainly not saying your comment is wrong.

The law will protect a childs legal interest in the best way they see fit. Now if a parent has died then I get it but why is PR not enough? It gives you the same rights. A bit of paper does not change your love or dedication to a child. The surname can still be changed.

The example given to me by the judge who signed the PR was.... Imagine a mum and dad, both young, mum is on drugs, not stable etc. Dad gets full custody. Mum disappears. Dad meets/marries etc. Mum gets her act together and goes on to have a great career or marries into wealth and more children.

If the child was adopted, on her death, they have no legal right to challenge a will for something that they are legally entitled too because someone made that choice for them. Sadly, it is about money. I totally get both sides.

As much as I think my DDs bio dad is a prick, it's not for me to remove any of her rights.

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.

Maybe it isn't about your child. Maybe he wants to do it to benefit his step child. If yours is an adult they probably don't need more support than they already have with you as their mother. If they have support.

Surely this is about giving a still young child stability - and showing him that his step dad loves him so much he want to be is actual dad.

It also means if anything happens to his mum, his dad will be there for him without fear of someone else claiming custody.

Sorely tour adult child can understand this?

Does he have or is he planning on having any children with new partner? That was the biggest factor in my step dad adopting me. My Mum got pregnant and they wanted us to all be equal.

If you are truly worried about the emotional impact
on your young adult son, YANBU and your ex should talk to him about it.

If (as others have suspected) it’s an inheritance issue, you are BVVU. Inheritance isn’t an entitlement. Your ex might (God forbid) end up with complex care needs which will eat the money. He might spend everything while he’s still here. He might die with a will that leaves half a million to the local cats home. All perfectly reasonable seeing as his money is his! I can’t understand people who worry about inheritance at all. I very much my DM and DF enjoy every penny while they are still here.

Also, adoption or not, he may choose to treat his stepchild in a will as though they are his biologically. My DSD is the benefactor of my life insurance policy and is named in my will. When (all going well with TTC) I have a bio child, anything I leave behind will be split in two. Or three. Or however many.

I can only guess why you might be feeling uneasy. I've no experience. It seems a sort of intangible unease on your part that you can't put your finger on.

I'm wondering if the reason you might feel like this is because, to you, it might be a bit not in character for your ex, and you might feel it has been a case of some pressure being applied to him. The reason for formally adopting may not feel, to you, very organic - in view of what you may know and think about timescales of his relationship, or other aspects of the situation.

It's also sometimes the case that exes, or siblings tell close ones, of a decision they are making, when they don't really need to, and sort of confide and justify themselves, as a way of subconsciously seeking guidance, as they are not quite sure of what they are doing and of good reasons for doing it.

I suppose it depends on how long he has known his partner and whether you feel the situation seems forced. It's a bit pointed perhaps, in your mind, to go through a legal process, when it's not obvious why it would be essential. Especially if the relationship with his new partner is fairly recent, you might worry I guess. You might worry at the back of your mind that the only reason to adopt would be inheritance issues. Only you know if you might feel this. If you acknowledge that your ex might have biological children in future which would be no different, and if you think your child wouldn't mind emotionally, then I think that your misgivings are based on a feeling that adoption is about inheritance.

The fact is that it basically comes down to inheritance and you dont want your child to loose out financially. Well maybe they will gain more than money from having a legal, if not biological, sibling? Maybe the feel of being part of a loving blended family will do your child some good? My Dad has raised 2 children who aren't his own and although I don't see them as my family they have brought my dad a lot of joy and a second chance at family life (after he failed miserably first time round) which I think is a positive thing for them all. I am happy to loose a portion of my inheritance if that is the decision my dad makes. It's his money after all.

Good for him! All children deserve loving parents.
It's none of your business. If your adult son has any issues with this he can raise them with his father, without your input.

My ex did this. It was absolutely the right thing to do. I can’t get my head round getting upset about it.

This wouldn’t be an issue for me personally although I don’t really see the point in adopting a SC I don’t think I’d ever let a boyfriend of mine adopt my DD.
Inheritance wouldn’t worry be either as surely it would be a similar situation if he married the mum and she got half or if she had biological children with her.

It is very interesting reading the responses. I do understand the feeling of unease. It should be a sign of something very worthy and good for the child shouldn’t it? Which should be supported and welcome all around. However I am not sure it is always that pure and healthy. Sometimes it is. Sometime it is an indication of a person being moved like a chess piece into a child’s life for reasons other than the child.

I had a friend whose husband had adopted a step child before they met. The man had adopted the child as the father wasn’t around, and he had met the mother whilst the child was young. They had further children. My friend thought this was a great sign in the man, and he did wear it Iike a medal of honour - I adopted a child! Look how caring and wonderful I am.

Unfortunately he wasn’t caring or wonderful and I don’t think the mother was either. The mother had deliberately pushed the father out of the child’s life and replaced him. She pushed the idea of Dad onto him from the start, and kept saying that it would be awful for his step daughter to grow up without his name. My friends husband was quite jealous and controlling, and adopted for the wrong reasons I think. My friend then had an awful time from her husband’s Ex and his adopted daughter, who subjected her to a lot of abuse. She’s divorced now, thank goodness. Of course the adoption wasn’t the cause of all of this. But it did show that sometimes adoption isn’t always free from unhealthy dynamics.

I’m not saying at all that this is the case for your Ex OP. Maybe you are feeling just a bit gutted that he is sharing your only child with another? Or maybe your instinct is that something is a bit off? Only you will know.

So your eldest son missed out on a very large inheritance from his step grandmother, and will now only get half of anything his Dad leaves and will also potentially lose out if the GPs take the view the adoption makes the step grandson sn equal grandson.

And your own DH said his money was going to his child, whilst yours would be split between your 2 DC. I would think that although the money issue seems unfair, the real problem might be your ex views the step child in the same way he views his own child, whereas clearly your DH and his family don't view your eldest in the same vein.

I seem to have missed a big part of this story!

Did OP expect her husbands parents to include her son in their will, and they didn’t?

[quote CombatBarbie]@OwlBeThere I don't know your circumstances and I'm certainly not saying your comment is wrong.

The law will protect a childs legal interest in the best way they see fit. Now if a parent has died then I get it but why is PR not enough? It gives you the same rights. A bit of paper does not change your love or dedication to a child. The surname can still be changed.

The example given to me by the judge who signed the PR was.... Imagine a mum and dad, both young, mum is on drugs, not stable etc. Dad gets full custody. Mum disappears. Dad meets/marries etc. Mum gets her act together and goes on to have a great career or marries into wealth and more children.

If the child was adopted, on her death, they have no legal right to challenge a will for something that they are legally entitled too because someone made that choice for them. Sadly, it is about money. I totally get both sides.

As much as I think my DDs bio dad is a prick, it's not for me to remove any of her rights.[/quote]
My sons biological mother hasn’t been around since he was 12 weeks old. She left and none of us know where she is.
I adopted my son because I’m his mother and it’s what he wanted. He was 13 when the adoption was finalised and he made the decision that he wanted it to be official. He has no interest in inheriting money from her in the off chance she has anything to leave him. Not everything is about financial gain.

I get you on the inheritance op. Waters down what your child may get and it’s not even his own child

@thehorsealreadybolted

I get you on the inheritance op. Waters down what your child may get and it’s not even his own child

Would you say that if him and his partner adopted a child together?

I would wonder why he wants to adopt. You can still be just as much a parent without officially adopting. He has separated from at least one partner with a child, albeit an adult, who’s to say he won’t do it again? What imagine the new woman is trying to initiate this.

@thehorsealreadybolted

I’m an adoptive mum, my son is my own child, as the ops ex appears to regard this child. One legally adopted there is no difference between the children, they are both his.

[quote Ted27]@thehorsealreadybolted

I’m an adoptive mum, my son is my own child, as the ops ex appears to regard this child. One legally adopted there is no difference between the children, they are both his.[/quote]
This. I'm adopted and sorry people still have this perception and use hurtful and thoughtless language like their "own" children - it's as bad as when people say "real" parents.

This happened in our family. It's been nothing but positive. It cemented relationships and gave the adopted child more security. He's an adult now and an absolute credit to his parents. I'm sure the last thing he cares about is an inheritance but that stability made a difference and he got to have a dad who he knew would be here whatever happened instead of one who vanished when he was a baby.

I wouldn't like this at all if my father had done it. If my DCs dad ever did it I wouldn't be impressed either but the extent of my concern would depend on my children's relationship with their dad and the child in question. If they weren't happy about the blended family scenario (very few are let's be honest) then I'd be quite upset for them as it's somewhat like a replacement child. Is your child ok with the set up at their dads house? Are they likely to be upset?

I'd be peeved about their inheritance being watered down too. It's quite selfish of their dad in that sense. Overall I think YANBU at all. It's just a bit unnecessary when he has actual DC and he should put them first.

@Countrycode

I wouldn't like this at all if my father had done it. If my DCs dad ever did it I wouldn't be impressed either but the extent of my concern would depend on my children's relationship with their dad and the child in question. If they weren't happy about the blended family scenario (very few are let's be honest) then I'd be quite upset for them as it's somewhat like a replacement child. Is your child ok with the set up at their dads house? Are they likely to be upset?

I'd be peeved about their inheritance being watered down too. It's quite selfish of their dad in that sense. Overall I think YANBU at all. It's just a bit unnecessary when he has actual DC and he should put them first.

Well he clearly views this boy as his "actual" child too. Maybe use the word "biological" if you want to differentiate.

Well he clearly views this boy as his "actual" child too.

Well he might but his child probably won't.

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
I don’t get this. He’s not adopting to give his adult son a sibling, he’s adopting to formalise his parental role. I think it’s really lovely he wants to do that. It seems really selfish to not like it to be honest for inheritance concerns.