Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

@Allington

What if, as a friend of mine happened, a subsequent biological child had significant disabilities? It will affect their older child's life. Should they leave it at the hospital and forget it ever existed?

Or is a biological sibling a 'real' sibling, not like an adopted child who is conditional on not being a problem?

They’re not comparable. Parents have responsibility for biological children that they do not have for as-yet-unadopted children.

What about if (as happened to friends of mine) the second birth child had significant disabilities? Should they leave them at the hospital because of the impact of the first child on having a 'problem' child in the family?

Allington, as I said, parents have responsibility for biological children that they do not have for as-yet-unadopted children, so no, they shouldn’t leave them at the hospital. What a bizarre comparison.

Sorry, did not see the first post had posted.

Children don't get to dictate whether their parents have further children.

If they have another child biologically, or develop a relationship with a child that results in adoption is irrelevant.

Unless you see adopted children as lesser than biological children.

@mainsfed

But the easy dismissal of an adopted child's feelings is OK?

Who has dismissed them?

You insist on not seeing that a bio child may feel upset at their father adopted a step-sibling and being resident father. Can you really not see why it may be upsetting?

We are talking about a biological child of university age. How would it make a difference to them if their younger sibling was by birth or adoption?

We’re going round in circles and repeating our POV.

I’ve already said upthread, I have cousins who have been adopted, and they are my cousins just as much as my other cousins.

But I can see how bio children can be hurt, sometimes irreparably, as shown in the examples given by posters above.

We are talking about a biological child of university age. How would it make a difference to them if their younger sibling was by birth or adoption?

Because their father left the family home and is now resident father to another child. That can be hurtful even at 18+. People have posted examples upthread.

In other words, an adopted child is lesser than a biological child

It’s not an adopted child though, because he hasn’t been adopted.

I suspect this is a sensitive issue for allington so maybe we just agree to disagree?

I think it is really not your or your adult child's business is your ex/your child's dad wishes to have another child by birth or adoption.

YANBU, OP. I'd find it very uncomfortable, too, and would actively resent it. Obviously he can do what he wants, but privately I wouldn't be happy about it.

I honestly don't understand at all why you have a problem with people saying they would consider their existing children and how they'd cope with it before adopting. Honest to god what is so terrible about that? Don't most people consider their children before doing something that changes their child's life so hugely?

You're acting as if people don't ever consider the impact of further biological children either, I appreciate some don't, but a lot will. I certainly thought of our older children before TTC.

Comparing that to leaving a baby at the hospital is ridiculous and complete hyperbole. The only comparison would be adopting a child and then giving up when you experience any issues. Obviously that is not what you want... Hence the need to consider it and the other members of your family before you do it.

But anyway, that's not OPs situation. I jsut find it mad that people actually think it's offensive to say you should consider your other children first

In OPs situation, I can actually see how a young adult, university age so could be what, 18, 19? May possibly be upset at their Dad living with another child (conceived or adopted!). He could be the best Dad ever on his time but the fact is, not living with one of your parents can be upsetting no matter how great they are and so I can see how watching your Dad, that you didn't get to live with, playing happy families with his wife and further children could be upsetting. Yes, even as a young adult...

Not to say he shouldn't adopt the little boy but I don't think it's hard to understand why it might be difficult for his son to see.

Unless he dies without making a will, the adoption is unlikely to make a major difference. If he feels strong enough about this child to adopt it, then he would ensure his will would treat both children equally, anyway.