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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex adopting step-child

363 replies

EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:02

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP posts:
leli · 16/05/2021 19:38

Re potential inheritance which as an issue I do understand I really do, I think you should think about whether having a formalised half sibling might be good for your child? My ex had 2 babies with his new partner and a bit of me thought - bugger, 2 new people to share inheritance with. But the 2 little new half sisters are adorable and ex and his partner have gone on being supportive to my two so all in all I think - the more the merrier. I always wanted a big family and I think it's a privilege for my two to have more sisters. My big kids have never expressed resentment. Yes, any inheritance will be split 4 ways instead of 2 but perhaps the advantages of family connection outweigh this difficulty.

Anyhow - adopting a step child is not so different from having another biological child and many exes have to face this. I think your ex is being very decent wanting to talk to you about it.

SimonJT · 16/05/2021 19:39

@NakedBanana

I'd hate it OP, I can't tell you why, as I don't know!

Yes I'd be worried about inheritance, but as you say that has nothing to do with you. Also the long term, what if they split up? Would your child still have contact with with her new step sister.

My mind would be spinning too but it's your child he needs to be discussing it with.

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

Yeah complete mind fuck. But don't worry the mumsnet keyboard warriors will be along soon telling you what a terrible person you are!

What exactly is strange about adoption?
headintheproverbial · 16/05/2021 19:40

OP - I think you handled this brilliantly. I completely understand why you're worried for your own DC. I can't imagine how they'd feel as a late teens / early 20s adult being told that 'ta da' you have a sibling.

For all those saying it's none of her business. Since when it is unusual to be concerned about your DC's feelings or relationship with their other parent whether you are split or not.

Sometimes the handwringing in this place.

YANBU

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 16/05/2021 19:40

It’s really non of your business. Your child is an adult. Would you rather you ex treat his step child with contempt. He’s wanting to do the decent thing. That’s a good thing.

RedMarauder · 16/05/2021 19:41

I have no idea why he's mentioning to you when your joint child is an adult.

He needs to talk to your joint son. Tell him clearly it is nothing to do with you and he needs to tell and talk your joint son.

Then keep your mouth shut as it isn't your job to tell your son.

Depending on your son and his father's own relationship will be how happy, not bothered or resentful your son is.

Seafog · 16/05/2021 19:42

I'd see it as either none of my business, or a good thing because it shows he isn't the type to leave kids out
As your own is grown, it is even less an issue.

SnackSizeRaisin · 16/05/2021 19:43

I do feel that their relationship is compromised because of this child... having a half-sibling is kind of organic but adopting a step-sibling is something else.

I don't see why it is compromised any more than if he had another child with you before splitting up, another biological child with his new wife, or they adopted together a child unrelated to either of them. Being someone's child isn't an exclusive relationship. Are you an only child yourself and do you feel that having a brother or sister would have been detrimental?

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%. I know mumsnet hates this.

Again it's a weird thing to care about. No one deserves an inheritance. And practically speaking it would only make a difference if he dies without a will. If he has a will he can split it how he decides regardless of adoption. And he might have left the lot to his new wife and she might have left nothing to your child anyway. Or it might all go in care home fees. Plus your child has you to leave them an inheritance as well. I have 2 sisters and I certainly don't care at all that I will inherit less because of their existence.

PollyPepper · 16/05/2021 19:46

Fucking hell step parents really can't do anything right can they.

badg3r · 16/05/2021 19:46

Hmm yes I think I would be bothered by this because I would be worried about the effect on my own child. As you say it is normal to have step siblings but quite a lot less common for them to be adopted. It's quite different choosing to adopt as a concept and then going through the process vs getting to know a child and then deciding you would like to adopt them after some time, when choosing to not adopt would have little effect on a day to day level. It is a wonderful thing to do for the child but your son, even though a grown up, could understandably feel pushed out if his relationship with his step sibling is not rock solid. And I would fear that even raising the subject could have big consequences if it goes badly.

Original poster
EWAB · 16/05/2021 19:47

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 16/05/2021 19:47

I don’t see why their relationship is compromised, as a presume he already acts as parent is-in-locos to the stepchild.

Are you worried that ex is trying to replace your child with the step-child?

Standrewsschool · 16/05/2021 19:49

I don’t think its the children’s relationship being formalised, but the ex and stepchild. Your ex wants legal responsibility for his step child.

saraclara · 16/05/2021 19:49

I'm confused. Whos is the parent of this step-child, and where does the SC live?

JinglePies · 16/05/2021 19:50

Does he want to adopt the step child so that if their mother died he would be legally responsible?

Adoption is great. But it is unusual for a step parent to adopt a step child unless there are good legal reasons to do so.

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 19:50

By adopting the step-child it potentially takes the stress out of inheritance issues. It will be clear how important the step-child was to your ex so there will be no reason to think he was pressured into leaving money for them. Also more likely to treat them both equally in the will and again not be pressured into spending loads on SC before he passes. (Not that this would definitely happen).

I'd be more concerned about your son's relationship with his dad during his life and support him to adjust and remain positive.

Standrewsschool · 16/05/2021 19:50

What disadvantages in the future?

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 19:52

@EWAB

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.
What disadvantages? Other than money? Which he might be spending anyway.
Ted27 · 16/05/2021 19:55

why should there be any advantage to your adult child

ultimately this is about the other child, if they see your ex as their dad, can you not see how important it would be for them to have it formalised. Leaving aside the inheritance issue, should anything happen to your ex’s new partner, it gives security to the child. If there is no other family then that is an important consideratiob for them as a family.

Even if he was not adopted your ex could still choose to leave a share of his estate to them in his will, its not a given that your adult child would inherit everything.

Anotherhill · 16/05/2021 19:56

Could your ex being looking for an excuse not to adopt? Is the idea coming from him or his partner?

TooMuchAndNotEnough · 16/05/2021 19:58

Good for him. He has obviously made an emotional commitment to this child and he wants to formalise the arrangement. I think it would be nice for him to discuss his plan with your adult child. Not to seek permission, though.

I admit I am always a bit surprised by the MN posters who seem to prize biological relationships above all others. That is very much outside my experience.

honeybuns007 · 16/05/2021 19:58

Apologies if I have missed it but where is DSCs biological father?

Yokey · 16/05/2021 19:59

I get it, OP. I mean what everyone said I'd right: it's a lovely thing for him to do, none of your business, why should it upset anyone etc etc.

I think I'd hate it too and I don't even have a co-parenting ex. Not very rational but I think I'd feel jealousy on my child's behalf. I agree his biological child would feel different because your child would be a sibling and be there from the start, so there'd be a greater connection. The inheritance is a red-herring: he can already leave his wealth to whomever, and if he's married, presumably his wife gets it anyway (so eventually the step child)

Mintyt · 16/05/2021 20:00

How old is the child and how long has your x been in his life and his SF

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 20:01

The inheritance is a red-herring: he can already leave his wealth to whomever, and if he's married, presumably his wife gets it anyway (so eventually the step child) he can put it in trust for his children

eleflump · 16/05/2021 20:03

From what I know of the step-parent adoption process it is usual for the allocated social worker to seek a reference from any ex-partner with whom the potential step-parent has previously parented children and also speak to any existing children, so I think you and your son would both have some involvement if they proceed with an application.

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