Ex adopting step-child

[EWAB]

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

I think it's easy to say what a wonderful thing it is when you have no skin in the game but I imagine most of us, in this situation, our very first thoughts would be how it may possibly effect our child(ren)

But the answer to this one is simple. As her DC is an adult it won't affect him in any way whatsoever. She has no skin in the game.

@DeathStare

it is my other child who has an inheritance

Woah. So you have two children from two relationships? You had a child, separated, moved on, had another child? Did you ask your first ex partner's permission before having your second child? Would you have not had him if your ex partner had concerns about inheritance (or whatever)?

Of course not. You're a hypocrite.

And for those of you talking about watering down an inheritance - you're all missing the point. There is no guaranteed inheritance to OP's child. The father (or paternal grandparents) could already have a will splitting the inheritance. Or leaving it all to his wife. Or the stepchild. Or the dogs' home. If he has no will is wife would inherit.

Yeah and all of those scenarios would be incredibly hurtful to OP’s son too. People aren’t ‘missing the point’ just because they disagree with you.

If your ex is thinking about adopting his stepchild then really that means he already has the parental role. The adoption process would formalise that but not change it, so I think the inheritance thing is moot; essentially your ex has a second child, and that's something you need to get your head around. I think it's amazing and I hope it all works out well for them. I'm trying not to be unsympathetic to you, there really aren't rules about how you should feel, but I hope you can be gracious and decent about it. Your child is likely to take his/her cue from you and if it were me I'd be wanting them to be welcoming because being adopted is a huge thing and for both of them (your child and his stepchild), it means they have a new, permanent family member. Which is to be celebrated.

I'm sure your child can manage being a little older. I mean what does it really change? I assume because there is talk of your ex adopting their step child it means they already play a big part in their lives anyway? Just makes it more official imo.

[quote CombatBarbie]@OwlBeThere I don't know your circumstances and I'm certainly not saying your comment is wrong.

The law will protect a childs legal interest in the best way they see fit. Now if a parent has died then I get it but why is PR not enough? It gives you the same rights. A bit of paper does not change your love or dedication to a child. The surname can still be changed.

The example given to me by the judge who signed the PR was.... Imagine a mum and dad, both young, mum is on drugs, not stable etc. Dad gets full custody. Mum disappears. Dad meets/marries etc. Mum gets her act together and goes on to have a great career or marries into wealth and more children.

If the child was adopted, on her death, they have no legal right to challenge a will for something that they are legally entitled too because someone made that choice for them. Sadly, it is about money. I totally get both sides.

As much as I think my DDs bio dad is a prick, it's not for me to remove any of her rights.[/quote]
Really interesting post and a different view point. I’d say the adoption was unnecessary.

Yes language used might be a trigger for some here but the result is the same. Any additional children will water down inheritance so it may be a bit harder to swallow when the child isn’t a blood relative.

And yes the man could leave this child money anyway but with adoption it becomes a right and not a choice

And how many people know adopted adults who don’t give 2 hoots about their adopted family? I know 3! This child may not feel the same about the step dad and adoptive sibling yet would have a right to the money etc.

@NakedBanana

I'd hate it OP, I can't tell you why, as I don't know!

Yes I'd be worried about inheritance, but as you say that has nothing to do with you. Also the long term, what if they split up? Would your child still have contact with with her new step sister.

My mind would be spinning too but it's your child he needs to be discussing it with.

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

Yeah complete mind fuck. But don't worry the mumsnet keyboard warriors will be along soon telling you what a terrible person you are!

I'd feel exactly the same. I just can't see any actual need for it. Unless they are intending to have more children together, and do not want the stepchild to feel in any way disadvantaged. In which case your son's inheritance is going to be vastly diminished anyway.

I have a friend who adopted his partner's two children then went on to have his own with her, but

a) they were very young and had no relationship or contact with their natural father, and

b) he didn't have any existing older children.

His parents disinherited him and diverted his share of inheritance directly to their 2 grandchildren that were his biological children to avoid any of it going to their step-grandchildren or their mother. (long backstory.)

This friend did eventually break up with his wife and although he's still close to his adopted kids they are adults so day to day finances and maintenance don't really come into things at this stage.

Adopting or not, I think it's very hard on children who are presented with a new 'parent' (particularly a new 'dad' as he is most likely to be living in the child's main home as a permanent fixture) only to have that relationship break down. They then have to navigate this weird period of pretence where the stepfather who they've been encouraged to see as 'dad' weighs up whether he really wants to be 'dad' and continue paying to support this child or not, now that's he's not with the mother. And most often the answer is No, he doesn't. After a half hearted attempt at keeping the parent/child relationship going it pretty soon peters out. The child came as part of a package deal that he is no longer interested in.

For some kids this happens not once, but several times and if they don't have a relationship with their bio dad this can be particularly hard.

@MiddleParking it's not about whether you agree with me. You ARE missing the point. Yes, maybe those situations re inheritance may hurt the DC but the adoption doesn't change a damn thing in that regard. If the DC's father wants to leave an inheritance to the step child he will do so with or without adoption. The adoption makes no difference in that respect.

And honestly if the adult DC is upset because their DF has a further child and they may not get full inheritance then the adult DC needs to get a grip. If the stepmother got pregnant would the OP be demanding an abortion so that the adult DC wasn't hurt? (And would the OP comply with a similar request from an ex?)

How the DF comes to have a further child - through birth or adoption - is irrelevant

'Can't understand a need for it ?' Really ? Are people genuinely this emotionally lacking ?

This ISN'T about the adult child. (S/he may be dependent but still an adult and needs to start thinking of others) and I presume the discussion with you was a polite formality so you and your child don't find out accidentally.

This is ALL about a child who has known the man in his/her household as his father without the legal recognition. With dad introducing the child as 'my step-child x ' and child referring to him a 'my step-dad' . Perhaps he simply wants to be 'dad' with all the legal and societal rights and responsibilities to a child he sees as his.

To me it's like those who ask why bother getting married. You already live together. Amongst all the legal advantages the 'label' husband/wife reflects a more permanent status and commitment than 'partner' or 'step dad' both of which have no legal status or obligation and can be dissolved with little obstacle.

It's a huge display of commitment to a child that deserves applause.

My bf was adopted by her mums second husband 50 years ago. Her dad died last year, he was her dad right to the end. Her dads other children were not actually as close to him as she was - he and their mum had split after only 5 years of marriage when the older children were 4 and 2. Whereas my friend lived with her Dad in her household from age 2 until early 20s. Inheritance was split but skewed in BF favour to reflect the level of care she had provided to him through a very long illness.

@leli

Re potential inheritance which as an issue I do understand I really do, I think you should think about whether having a formalised half sibling might be good for your child? My ex had 2 babies with his new partner and a bit of me thought - bugger, 2 new people to share inheritance with. But the 2 little new half sisters are adorable and ex and his partner have gone on being supportive to my two so all in all I think - the more the merrier. I always wanted a big family and I think it's a privilege for my two to have more sisters. My big kids have never expressed resentment. Yes, any inheritance will be split 4 ways instead of 2 but perhaps the advantages of family connection outweigh this difficulty.

Anyhow - adopting a step child is not so different from having another biological child and many exes have to face this. I think your ex is being very decent wanting to talk to you about it.

I hope your ex and his wife appreciate you @leli - you sound lovely 😊

Absolutely nothing against adoption but adopting this stepchild I can’t understand. There is such an age difference I can’t see any advantage to my adult child to have this sibling relationship formalised but can see disadvantages potentially in the future.

I think you have really misunderstood the reason he is adopting the child. It's not about a relationship between your adult child and the SC, it's about him stepping up for that child. It makes no odds to your child.

The inheritance thing is a bit of a red herring IMO. Either one of you could have gone on to have biological children with someone else which also would have had an impact on any inheritance for your adult DC.

We can’t help our feelings, but you are being very mean spirited (as we all can be when our buttons are pushed) - I’m only saying this because it’s going to hurt you more than anyone else - try and find some generosity of spirit.

You Ex is doing a positive thing, how would you have felt if your child hadn’t had a father? The mere fact you are asking why the need to adopt means that you aren’t thinking about it from this child’s POV. I do g think you’d feel different if it were a biological half sibling, I think you’d just find another argument to feel the same.

He is consulting you so he is concerned about your child’s feelings - but your child is an adult, so can reasonably be expected to manage this. In terms of inheritance - it’s no different then if he’d had another child.

Until you feel better about it yourself, try not to pass your negativity onto your adult son/daughter as that will be damaging for everyone.

I know of 2 situations close to me where the step father adopted, my DB being one of them. I cannot fathom why you have such a problem with this. In the non family example my friend was hospitalized for an extended time and her DH had real cause for concern that if his DW died then his sdd would be taken away from him and her brother, so as soon as they could they started the adoption process. In my brothers case he had known his DC ( twins) since toddlerhood and loved them,, wanted to formalize the family.

It's a huge display of commitment to a child that deserves applause.

Yes it is, and yes I suppose it does. Except that unlike a childless couple adopting a child together, I have a strong suspicion that many children adopted in the circumstances the OP describes (especially if they are a bit older when the stepfather comes on the scene and there was no strong bond formed from babyhood) will still end up essentially fatherless if his relationship with the mother ever breaks down.

I don't think the same level of commitment is genuinely there when the circumstances change. Not in the same way that it would be when adoptive children are the only children, taken on by both parents together. There is a difference between a conscious decision to seek out a child to adopt, and taking one on as part of a package deal with the mother.

I really don't see an issue. Your child with him is an adult. Old enough to understand that him adopting his step child will give that child stability should anything happen to their mom.
Coming from a pretty poor family I can't relate to the whole inheritance thing. I have no plans or expectation of ever receiving inheritance so it wouldn't occur to me to worry about something that may or may not happen many years down the line.

Not in the same way that it would be when adoptive children are the only children, taken on by both parents together. There is a difference between a conscious decision to seek out a child to adopt, and taking one on as part of a package deal with the mother.

Actually sorry, want to amend that a bit - it doesn't matter whether the adoptive children are the only children, they could come into a family where birth children already exist or come along later. The relevant bit is that both parents made a choice together to both adopt a child. Then you can expect the commitment to be the same from both parents and the same irrespective of whether the child was biologically theirs or not.

I just don't think that will be the case in a good proportion of step-children adoptions, sorry.

Do we know how long the ex has been a father to the stepchild, and how old the stepchild is? If only a short time, I can understand why alarm bells may be ringing. However, if he’s been the dad for most of the child’s life, then I can understand why he wants to adopt.

Also, as someone said upthread, inheritance is a red herring. The ex doesn’t actually have to leave any to either his (bio-) child or stepchild. He could leave it all to the Cats Protection League if he so wishes. The only difference is, if he doesn’t adopt, and doesn’t make a will, then the stepchild wouldn’t be entitled to anything.

@Stripeyduvets

He sounds like a caring person, all the more so because he has asked your opinion about it.

This.

And I can't see a problem with adopting his stepchild. Why shouldn't he? For some children this is the proof that they are truly loved - and it means that they can have the same name as the rest of the family, which can be enormously important to them.

[quote DeathStare]@MiddleParking it's not about whether you agree with me. You ARE missing the point. Yes, maybe those situations re inheritance may hurt the DC but the adoption doesn't change a damn thing in that regard. If the DC's father wants to leave an inheritance to the step child he will do so with or without adoption. The adoption makes no difference in that respect.

And honestly if the adult DC is upset because their DF has a further child and they may not get full inheritance then the adult DC needs to get a grip. If the stepmother got pregnant would the OP be demanding an abortion so that the adult DC wasn't hurt? (And would the OP comply with a similar request from an ex?)

How the DF comes to have a further child - through birth or adoption - is irrelevant[/quote]
Using capital letters still doesn’t mean other people are missing the point I’m afraid! There’s generally not an assumption that step-relatives will be treated as equal to one’s own family in big matters such as who sits at the top table at the child’s wedding and who gets inheritance, unless otherwise stated and/or in specific circumstances. The OP is reading this as that ‘otherwise statement’ of intention from her ex to treat this child as his own, which is what she’s finding troubling on behalf of her son. And no, she obviously wouldn’t demand an abortion if the stepmother got pregnant, but her son wouldn’t have to like it (or ‘get a grip’ as you so compassionately put it) and nor would OP if it upset him. Not to mention that the ex is the one that’s approached OP to ask her feelings on this, it’s not like she’s butted in unasked, and as others have said it’s likely relevant agencies might well be interested in what they both think about the adoption plan too, so actually it is relevant how this ‘having’ a further child comes about.

And I can't see a problem with adopting his stepchild. Why shouldn't he? For some children this is the proof that they are truly loved - and it means that they can have the same name as the rest of the family, which can be enormously important to them.

Yes but for plenty of children this can't happen because they still have a relationship with their biological father. If there are issues over having a different name from the rest of the family they live with then there is not much the child can do about it, regardless of how they feel.

If the bio dad is not on the scene there is nothing stopping the mother changing her child's name to match hers or her partner's anyway.

@DeathStare

I think it's easy to say what a wonderful thing it is when you have no skin in the game but I imagine most of us, in this situation, our very first thoughts would be how it may possibly effect our child(ren)

But the answer to this one is simple. As her DC is an adult it won't affect him in any way whatsoever. She has no skin in the game.

Of course it might affect him. Adults still have feelings and emotions. We have no idea what this son's relationship with his Dad is really like, OP has already suggested he feels uneasy about the relationship his Dad has with this step child.

I'm an adult woman, I still might find it a bit weird if my Dad adopted a child tomorrow. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I have no feelings about it. And if my Mum did, the NRP in my case, I probably would be upset (yes even as an adult!) Because part of me would be sad that a child got to live and grow up with my Mum when I didn't.

I'm not saying he does think this but saying he's an adult so it doesn't possibly affect him is incorrect, it may and obviously he is going to be of far more concern to OP than a child she doesn't know.

This ISN'T about the adult child

It is about that to OP and why shouldn't it be? They are her child adult or not she is obviously going to care how they are impacted by something like this.

If the stepmother got pregnant would the OP be demanding an abortion so that the adult DC wasn't hurt?

What a stupid fucking comment.

No obviously not but there are LOADS of threads from women on here worried about their children when their ex has a new child. I don't see why just because said child is adopted and not conceived that means you can't be worried for your own existing child.

There are also threads on here from adults talking about how strange, upsetting, hard whatever... They found it when their parent went on to have more children when they were adults.

It's not uncommon to be worried about how your child will feel about this. Everyone is focusing on the step child and how great it will be for them but that's obviously not OPs primary concern and frankly, why should it be? Her primary concern is going to be her own child and how he will cope with it and how it may have the potential to impact him.

I'm not saying the Dad shouldn't do it. But it's not wrong for OP to be concerned about her own child for goodness sake.

These things are not always straightforward. My Dsis was adopted by my Ddad's second wife. It was a combination of my sister's trauma about my DM's abandonment of her. My DM ran off with husband number two. Didn't leave a note, just disappeared. Plus revenge by my Ddad. He used the court case to punish my DM. She didn't turn up for the hearing, adding further trauma to my Dsis.

Further down the line my Dsis fell out with Ddad and adopted DM over money she borrowed and didn't pay back so effectively has rejected both birth DM and adopted DM. Not sure what the benefit was to be adopted to be honest.