Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2021 23:59

He is. Does she have a mum or is she full time with him?

He’s a parent and he’s responsible for his children. He houses his daughter, no discussion.

It doesn’t say much about his parenting that she’s so unpleasant. Maybe if he didn’t let her be horrible to her siblings you’d be more inclined to do him this huge favour. Too late now...

What does she want?

JM10 · 16/05/2021 00:01

He is, she's not your child she's his, he needs to home her!

edwinbear · 16/05/2021 00:01

WTF? He's leaving you but expects you to carry on parenting his child? That would be a nope from me.

Hellcatspangle · 16/05/2021 00:13

WTF? Of course he can't leave her with you! Where's her mum in all this?

Original poster
PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 00:14

Sorry I didn't want to drop feed but her mum isn't around, he's had full custody of her since she was about 3.
She wants to stay here so it's really hard

OP posts:
ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 00:14

He's a massive cheeky fucker

LucyLastik · 16/05/2021 00:15

Have you been in her life since she was 3?

Original poster
PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 00:16

@LucyLastik

Have you been in her life since she was 3?
Since she was 6, we're not married so I've never had any parental responsibility over her
OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 16/05/2021 00:17

What a tosser he is!!! She probably wants to stay with gig as she knows he doesn’t want her. Poor girl.

TableFlowerss · 16/05/2021 00:17

you

minniemomo · 16/05/2021 00:17

I see it both ways, I think a frank discussion with her is in order, if she wants to stay with you she needs to change

Providora · 16/05/2021 00:17

Can you move out yourself, with your kids?

FelicityBeedle · 16/05/2021 00:19

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

Original poster
PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 00:19

@Providora

Can you move out yourself, with your kids?
I wouldn't know where to start, I was thinking that though. This is a council house and I worry about where we will end up, how close to the school it would be etc
OP posts:
edwinbear · 16/05/2021 00:19

No, he doesn't get to swan off to his new life leaving his DD with you. Is he this much of an arse with your shared DC? What an awful parent he is.

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 16/05/2021 00:20

You're not BU, but that poor, poor, poor child.

Things like this- being basically but obviously unwanted - fuck you up for life

mantlepiece · 16/05/2021 00:21

I think if she was younger it would be more of a dilemma.

She is 16, she is old enough to realise she needs to go with her dad.

No one likes change so it will be hard for her, but really she can’t expect to stay.

tonimitchell · 16/05/2021 00:22

Yeah he is a massive dick and shame on him thinking he can leave her behind.

It doesn’t work like that.

He leaves so he takes her with him. Just like you would if you were in the same position. Would you really leave your kids for some other bloke to look after?

edwinbear · 16/05/2021 00:22

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

No, he needs to step up. OP is a mum to their 3 DC.

Lou898 · 16/05/2021 00:23

His daughter is his responsibility if the relationship has broken down. If you wanted her to stay that would be different and arrangements could be made. Sounds like he wants a life with no responsibility for children but that’s not how it works. Not that you would but it’d be like you saying he had all 4 if he leaves.
If you were to consider her living with you, then new ground rules would have to be set and it made clear that if these are broken she can no longer stay.

Chloemol · 16/05/2021 00:23

I feel sorry for your dsd. Sounds like no one wants her

If she wants to stay then set sone ground rules and make it clear if she doesn’t start pulling her weight and adhere to them she will have to leave

Or just tell him he has to sort her accommodation

MadMadMadamMim · 16/05/2021 00:24

I would simply repeat When you move out you take your daughter with you. He's insane to think otherwise. I'd not engage in any other discussion. Her home is with her father, not his ex gf.

You are not unreasonable to not want the emotional and financial pressures of a teenager who isn't yours dumping on you. He's a prick to think otherwise. Tell him if he can't look after his own child he'll have to contact Social Services. But you're not picking up his slack.

PanamaPattie · 16/05/2021 00:24

Poor unwanted child. She can't stay with you. You are not her parent and therefore you do not have parental responsibility - even if you wanted her to stay. Talk to SS about foster parents. That should make your ex see sense.

FelicityBeedle · 16/05/2021 00:25

I’m not saying he isn’t being an arsehole, but the lass needs a good home and moving in with his new lass won’t help her.

therocinante · 16/05/2021 00:26

Poor kid. Not your responsibility at all OP but I feel for her knowing her dad isn't arsed because he's got a new set up.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.