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AIBU?

To not want DSD to live with me?

999 replies

PinkFlamingoo · 15/05/2021 23:54

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

Report

edwinbear · 16/05/2021 00:27

Her home is with her father, not his ex gf

This, a million times.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/05/2021 00:27

Poor kid. Is she listening to the two of you argue about how neither of you want her?

Of course he shouldn't leave her, but what will you do of he does? Are you actually going to pack her bags and kick her out? Put her in a taxi to his? Drop her off at the Council offices?

Singalongasong · 16/05/2021 00:28

"Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!"

Tough one OP but if she has lived in a family home with you since she is 6, and she doesn't have a mum, then surely it IS her actual home. Not just her "home".

It's such a shame that neither of you want her. I'm sure she will feel that and she'll act out in response. But ultimately yes, of course her dad has more of a responsibility to her than you do and he should be looking for a 2 bed flat. Poor kid, though.

MadMadMadamMim · 16/05/2021 00:28

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

And presumably financially support her as well as three little ones? Don't be ridiculous. Can you see this Prince of a Father actually giving OP enough money?

Why does being a woman mean you have to take on children who aren't yours?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 16/05/2021 00:28

Well if she has lived there all this time it is her home, why should she be uprooted? She is 16 and everything you said about her sums up every16 year old.

JustJoinedRightNow · 16/05/2021 00:29

Yes @FelicityBeedle but that isn’t the OP’s responsibility. She is his daughter, he takes full responsibility for her.

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 00:29

He is unreasonable.

tonimitchell · 16/05/2021 00:30

@FelicityBeedle

I’m not saying he isn’t being an arsehole, but the lass needs a good home and moving in with his new lass won’t help her.

This is not on the OP.

If it wasn’t an issue she wouldn’t be posting. Responsibility doesn’t fall automatically fall on the women to rear children that are not hers.

Dashel · 16/05/2021 00:31

I have a friend in a similar situation to you and in her situation the 3 step children stayed with her and their half sister and see the dad once in a blue moon.

I’m not for one second suggesting you must take her on, but I wanted you to know that it does happen and they are all pretty happy and think of her as their mum. I don’t think the dad has really paid for them properly or sees them regularly which is so sad.

PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 00:31

If she wanted to go with him he would let her. But he thinks it's unfair for me to kick her out of her home!!
He's been with his gf all day and I found myself cleaning up red wine off my hallway and kitchen floor after dsd left it there and went out with her friends without telling me she was even going anywhere

OP posts:

tonimitchell · 16/05/2021 00:31

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Well if she has lived there all this time it is her home, why should she be uprooted? She is 16 and everything you said about her sums up every16 year old.

She’s not OP child??

Would you expect someone else to look after your kids?

FlipFlapFlop1980 · 16/05/2021 00:33

I'd explain to the girl that she can't live with you as you have no legal rights over her. Only her Dad has parental.responsibility because you and her Dad aren't married.

Tell him that if he can't take her then you'll speak to SS about finding her a foster family/own place.

CoRhona · 16/05/2021 00:33

If something went wrong and she ended up in hospital, and you don't have PR - disaster.

Equally at school.

No way would I do this, no matter how much I loved her.

scotsllb · 16/05/2021 00:33

I know you've been in her life for so long but she is his child.
He doesn't get to lay that on you and move on with his new gf while you've got all the responsibility at home for other kids too.
She is 16 and will be moving out or making her her own in a couple of years anyway so I think he needs to understand it's on him to care for her

RaiseTheBeastie · 16/05/2021 00:35

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

Agree with this. I can't imagine how you could have lived in the same house as her since she was 6 without being effectively her mum. She probably barely remembers a time when you weren't her mum.

Regardless of the biology, regardless of why the split happened, I can fully understand why dh wants her to stay with you and the other dc. And why she wants to stay with the bulk of her family.

It's very sad that you don't want her tbh. Are you not attached to her at all? Would you kick out one of your bio dc at 16 for exhibiting the same behaviour?

edwinbear · 16/05/2021 00:36

Well if she has lived there all this time it is her home, why should she be uprooted

She'll be uprooted in the same way that any parents who split up are uprooted. When 'parents' split up, DC get uprooted, OP's 3 DC are going to have to deal with their dad moving out, and OP has enough on her plate without dealing with her ex's DD. She is his responsibility.

NakedBanana · 16/05/2021 00:37

Out of interest does she call you mum?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 16/05/2021 00:38

@tonimitchell it's her home regardless of the relationship breakdown between the op and her ex. I think her dad is absolutely taking the piss but in my opinion it sounds like the op wants her gone to piss the ex and his new gf off!

So yes I would in your answer because she has her siblings living here and op is essentially been her mum for the last 10 years. The ex wi do what he wants regardless of how difficult she will make it. These kids come first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2021 00:38

I feel terribly sad for the poor girl but her living with OP is a bad idea. No parental responsibility, no established boundaries, seemingly no unconditional love. Which is fine since OP isn't her parent. But that's not an environment to raise a teenager. Dad needs to be better so she wants to be with him.

AMillionMilesAway · 16/05/2021 00:38

He's a horrible father but I mostly feel sorry for the step daughter.
That's not saying you should have her living with you, mind. It's just a shocking situation all around.

PinkFlamingoo · 16/05/2021 00:41

@NakedBanana

Out of interest does she call you mum?

No she doesn't and never has done.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 16/05/2021 00:42

Would you kick out one of your bio dc at 16 for exhibiting the same behaviour

Of course OP wouldn't kick out her own DC. But this is not her child. She is going to be busy enough looking after their 3 DC, why on earth can't he look after one?

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Singalongasong · 16/05/2021 00:44

Bit of a side issue but would them both moving out put you under any pressure to move somewhere smaller? Though I guess if you've been there the whole time it's probably not made for having 4 kids in there anyway...

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/05/2021 00:44

Well if she has lived there all this time it is her home, why should she be uprooted

Dad needs to buy the property that OP lives in then.

pallisers · 16/05/2021 00:46

@PinkFlamingoo

If she wanted to go with him he would let her. But he thinks it's unfair for me to kick her out of her home!!
He's been with his gf all day and I found myself cleaning up red wine off my hallway and kitchen floor after dsd left it there and went out with her friends without telling me she was even going anywhere

Is OP really going to take on responsibility for this girl? when she tells her to stay home/not drink/whatever, of course the response is going to be "you're not my parent" it is a lose/lose situation for the OP.

As for "you've been her parent effectively for 10 years so step up" her father has been her ACTUAL parent for 16 years - he should step up. what a loser.

I feel so sorry for this girl. but that doesn't mean OP should become sole parent to a slightly off the rails 16 year old who isn't her child and who has a father standing right there who could take responsibility.

Flip

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