To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

[Selttan]

I feel bad for her but it doesn't sound like she thinks of you as her mum so you'd basically be inheriting a 16 year old messy roommate which you'd have no authority over.

Is your ex planning to pay for her share of rent and bills as well as child support for your other kids?

[Imissmoominmama]

Poor kid. Most teenagers take the piss a bit, but usually we love them enough to ride it out...

[Rainbowqueeen]

If your DSD feels unwanted and abandoned that is 100 percent her dads fault.
He needs to step up here not you.
Yes it is awful for her, but who has caused this?? You have other priorities now, things that are actually important not the nonstop shagfest he wants to indulge in

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

What a difficult situation OP. I feel very sorry for you and your sd.

You are absolutely within your rights to refuse to house her. Her dad needs to step up here. But she is effectively being told that neither of the important adults in her life want her, which will impact her behaviour.

[petitepeach]

This thread makes me feel so sad; poor girl at the most difficult time in her already unstable life and nobody wants to know.
Adults moving on to their next ‘relationship’ whilst offloading any offspring as excess baggage......grim.
All the problems these poor kids will have.

[violetbunny]

You're not kicking her out of her home. Her dad is choosing to live elsewhere. The consequence of that is that she needs to go with him, because he is her actual parent.

[petitepeach]

Nobody is acting like her parent that’s the problem.

[Saltyslug]

Be inflexible. Tell both him and the daughter that she’s moving with him. He’s her dad and blood relative. You’re really happy for her to pop round for tea every Thursday to catch up with you and her half siblings. Start to bring boxes back for her to pack her belongings. Help her pack unused items, label the boxes and inform dad of their existence

[Saltyslug]

You don’t have any responsibility towards her, dad hold all the responsibility

[Trixie78]

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

He's been her ACTUAL dad for 16 years so he needs to step up this time. Fixed that for you hon.

[tensmum1964]

Such an awful situation however it isn't up to you to take on the brunt of this mess. Her father sounds like an absolute dick. Why on earth is he still living with you whilst he is in a new relationship? That in itself is beyond ridiculous. Get him out asap and let the new girlfriend take on him and his daughter. You are totally being taking the piss out of. For goodness sake, stand up for yourself and don't allow this to continue.

[2ndtimemum2]

Op how much access is he looking for with the 3 children yee share together? Is he planning on being a Disney daddy and seeing them.on a Saturday for a few hours or is he going to step up and actually be a dad?

My heart breaks for your dsd but it's not practical, you can't go to the school of there's an issue, you can't sign for medical treatment, you don't have any rights to even claim child benefit for her!!

If your already feeling resentful and to be fair no one could blame you its also not fair on dsd. It sounds like she needs her dad to put his time and energy into her, he really doesn't get that he is the parent, he sounds like a selfish prick.

And on another note if you meet someone new it really awkward the situation very difficult, how would you introduce the dsd to a new partner, hi boyfriend this is my exs child!! I'm sure dsd will be so happy for you to bring a new partner into the home.

If your ex is so desperate to keep the family together why doesn't he suggest he be the primary carer of all 4 kids...no because that would definitely cramp his new life with his gf.

[2ndtimemum2]

@petitepeach

This thread makes me feel so sad; poor girl at the most difficult time in her already unstable life and nobody wants to know.
Adults moving on to their next ‘relationship’ whilst offloading any offspring as excess baggage......grim.
All the problems these poor kids will have.

Op is not offloading anything she has not mentioned a new partner so maybe read the posts before randomingly posting utter nonsense?

[BeneathYourWisdom]

Her father needs to take her with him and provide a new home for her with his new gf. He can’t just dump her on you! You’re not her mum and have 3 kids of your own to care for. The new gf can become her new ‘mum’ as he’s decided to leave.

[Reinventinganna]

Can you sit down with dsd explain that her dad is a dick and if she wants to stay she has rules. And be strict, if you break a rule you are gone.

I feel for you but also really feel for her.

[nancywhitehead]

I get why it's hard for your step daughter, being uprooted at 16 must be horrible and she has known you for so long and had a lot of issues with her own mum it sounds like. So I do get why she wants to stay with you.

But the reality is you're not her mum and her dad doesn't live there anymore. She's got a home with her dad, he wants her and you don't, so that's where she needs to go. You can't be forced or expected to keep a child who isn't yours and you don't want when they have a perfectly good home with their real parent.

[fairynick]

This is heartbreaking for her. I completely agree that you ex is an arsehole and she is his responsibility but if he isn’t going to step up, I don’t see what option you have. I find it surprising that you don’t want her to stay. Surely you love her to pieces and want her to live in an environment where she is cared for.
My DM grew up with a man she saw as her dad because he’d been in her life since she was 4 and when her mum split with him when she was age 14 it felt like her dad had died because she never got to see him again.
It’s really scary how stepparents see the child as “their kid, their problem” but often the child sees them as an actual parent :(

[nancywhitehead]

@Reinventinganna

Can you sit down with dsd explain that her dad is a dick and if she wants to stay she has rules. And be strict, if you break a rule you are gone.

I feel for you but also really feel for her.

This could be an option too (although I wouldn't actually say her dad is a dick).

But you don't have to do it - this is only if you want to - and it sounds like the 16 year old is really going to struggle to change and follow your rules. That's not her fault, she's 16, going through a difficult time and she's had some chaos in her past, so it's not surprising that she would act out.

Even if you put rules in place and explain to her she has to leave if she doesn't follow them, you also have to understand that the temptation for her to break them is going to be huge, just because of who she is and the stage of life she's at.

It's pretty likely that she will break the rules and have to leave, but I suppose you could do it and then you are less of the bad guy as at least she has her chance to stay with you?

[jay55]

The op isn't kicking the child out of her home. The child's dad is moving.

If the op didn't exist and dad decided to move, he wouldn't be able to just leave her behind.

The legal, moral and financial responsibility lies with the father.

[Milesbennettdyson]

Marrying him wouldn’t have given you parental responsibility over her regardless.

I sympathise OP my 16 DSD moved in with us a few years ago and
It’s a nightmare..

[billybagpuss]

So he expects to move out and live the single life, while you raise all 4 of his DC, including the one that isn’t yours. What are his plans financially, presumably he will pay CMS for your 3, but does he intend to fully finance his DD if she stays, board, food, contribution towards the utilities?

He is completely living in cloud cuckoo land.

I do feel for her, she is going to take some time to process and get through this, but just having come through the teenage years, 16 to 19 was the worst for me and it’s one thing taking the abuse from your own, it’s another entirely taking it from someone you have no legal responsibility for.

[DarcyLewis]

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

And he’s literally been her dad for 16 years

[NoPinkPlease]

In this situation my ex partner wanted to take my dss and I didn't let him because dss wanted to stay with me. I'd been in his life since he was 18 months old.

She's 16, her views count, and you're the adult. I'd say you need to think entirely about what's best for her right now even if that's hard. You can definitely put different boundaries in place once you're sole parent. I found my dss stepped up a little - not loads - but he often acted like the second adult in the house when I needed him to.

(Also babysitting I found extremely handy in this post-break up stage!).

[tara66]

OP Does OW have any children? If not the DSD might find it easier to live with DF. She should be told to give it a try - at least 6 months, presuming DF and OW are not refusing to have her. Is she still at school or at college? One can see her becoming homeless in this situation.

[DarcyLewis]

Poor kid, it is very sad for her that her dad is a twat.

Not the OPs problem to sort out his twatty behaviour though. She had 3 kids of her own.