To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

[PollyPepper]

MN is fucking batty when it comes to step parents.

"STEP BACK YOU ARE NOT THEIR PARENT BUTT OUT YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING A PARENT FIGURE"

Also MN

"YOU ARE AN EVIL WITCH TREAT HER LIKE YOUR OWN"

How typical.

[KizzyMoo]

He got custody of her. HE did. Not you. You have no parental rights over her, if he is just going to abandon her call SS

[user1476277375]

I feel incredibly sorry for. The bad behaviour probably stems from being not wanted. She has been in your care since she was 6 years old. Have a heart.

[Supermum29]

Your dsd is basically my sister when she was younger. Her dad had zero interest and off he went with his girlfriends, came crawling back to her when it went wrong and dropped her again when he had a new one. I won’t lie this really really affected my sister and 10years later she is still paying the price.
Our step dad was her saving grace!
While biologically she is not yours you have been in her life for 10 years. Separation is stressful period. BUT she is going through a similar feeling only it’s her dad not a partner. I would have a serious conversation with her and explain if she stays with you she needs to buck her ideas up and remember that behind the irritating behaviour is a child who feels unwanted by her parent. Hope you guys can figure it out.

[ToniHargis]

If she's nasty to the kids, it sounds like she might like to move out with her dad. I would go for that angle.
No YANBU. He is taking the P. Yes, it was her home but it was her home with HER dad.

[Howshouldibehave]

To all those posters telling the OP that it’ll be fine and she just needs to be kind, give the girl some nurture and it’ll all be fine (whilst the dad is excused to go off following his dick), please read ALL of the OP’s updates.

Do you still agree she should go through all that again? Even though she says she simply cannot cope?

[diamondsarentagirlsbestfriend]

Urm if he has legal custody then she lives with him.... that’s what legal custody means.... not oh I’ll move out & leave you behind..... He’s taking the mick!!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

And HE’s been her dad for 16 years FFS! He’s also her biological parent! She can visit her siblings but he needs to take responsibility for her. I do feel for the girl but at 16 she’s old enough to know what’s what.

[whoopsabloominbuttercup]

He is being very cheeky but you have been her mother since she was 6.
Poor child. A lot of teenagers are lazy and cheeky like your SD. She will grow out of it (eventually) I think maybe you suggest that he has her at the weekends along with the 3 kids you share, after all they are his as well, and you have them in the week.

[Stacey2987]

U have been her mum for so long. Id maybe have a word with her and say if u want to stay u need to start acting like an adult. If u kick her out it will probably fuck her up for the rest of her life and she'll go off the rails. I know as I done the same. Nobody wanted me as a child. And it really does mess u up even in adulthood

[Diverseopinions]

Is the ex able to get a place on his own? Presumably, you need to have a reasonable salary, few debts, a reasonable credit rating - or friends, to get yourself somewhere decent to live.

For all we know, it may not have been what he wanted - to leave. Perhaps his on/off girlfriend is the only way he can stay on his feet; live, get in a better position to get some money in. She maybe will tolerate him but not his kids staying overnight in her place. To me, the obvious best solution is for OP and ex to not split their lives, but to stay under the same roof. There are so many disaster signs, even without DSD, for the leaving scenario. He probably couldn't get a place where his kids could stay over, so OP won't get respite...from parenting three young kids on her own. She'll be exhausted, and will become and more obliged to do what his girlfriend wants to keep the peace and s roof over his head.

Next best scenario, he and DSD move in with his mum, care for her and live as a living family unit. Get a bigger house for her so they can stay with her and look after her

[tommyhoundmum]

This is so difficult for you op. Also I feel for the child, which she still is.

She probably can't help being teenagery. My young ward at 18 is the same.

You should discuss the situation with SS too.

[Whythesadface]

Well after reading again.
I think you write this to him. VIA text.
SD is legally in your care.
You will be taking her with you.
If you do not I will report you to Social Services for Abandonment,

[Howshouldibehave]

@Stacey2987

U have been her mum for so long. Id maybe have a word with her and say if u want to stay u need to start acting like an adult. If u kick her out it will probably fuck her up for the rest of her life and she'll go off the rails. I know as I done the same. Nobody wanted me as a child. And it really does mess u up even in adulthood

Right, and you’ve read the OP’s updates have you-where she explains the last time the dad fucked off to live with his girlfriend and his daughter refused to do anything the OP asked? Then his daughter rang her dad to complain about the OP who was really horrible to the OP about it?

You still think she should do it?

Even though she’s already tried and it was a total nightmare?

Even though she’s said she can’t cope?

I can’t believe some of the replies on here.

[TinkerPony]

Update your tenancy and remove your ex off the contract.
Don't move out. don't swap.
Your three younger children will all have a room of their own.
Father and daughter need to move out asap and into their own place with his Girlfriend or not.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

@user1476277375

I feel incredibly sorry for. The bad behaviour probably stems from being not wanted. She has been in your care since she was 6 years old. Have a heart.

What’s the heartless bit about expecting a father to give his own child at home? The OP isn’t sending her stepdaughter off to live with Mr Bumble to eat gruel, for heaven’s sake.

Her dad cared enough once to fight for custody rather than simply leaving her with her grandmother. He needs to rediscover that spirit and tell the new girlfriend that his daughter comes first.

[Stacey2987]

Most children would act like that if they think no1 wants them!!! Yes the dads a complete prick. But the child is 16!!! CHILD!!! I still think she should have a word with the kid and maybe do a trial? If she acts like a child becuase well she is one then maybe OP could tell her to move in with her father 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[Howshouldibehave]

@user1476277375

I feel incredibly sorry for. The bad behaviour probably stems from being not wanted. She has been in your care since she was 6 years old. Have a heart.

Have a heart?

If you have bothered to read the OP, that’s just vile.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

@TinkerPony

Update your tenancy and remove your ex off the contract.
Don't move out. don't swap.
Your three younger children will all have a room of their own.
Father and daughter need to move out asap and into their own place with his Girlfriend or not.

Yes 👏

[bossyrossy]

Why can’t you share responsibility for her? Alternate weeks in each home or some other arrangement? You have been her “mum” for ten years, how can you abandon her? She is a difficult teenager, as are most girls of her age. You need to accept some responsibility for her as does her father. Don’t make her feel unwanted, she needs love to see her through these difficult times.

[WildfirePonie]

Not your kid, not your problem.

Hope you are ok OP

Get them both out asap.

[FreezeMotherHubbard]

@whoopsabloominbuttercup

He is being very cheeky but you have been her mother since she was 6.
Poor child. A lot of teenagers are lazy and cheeky like your SD. She will grow out of it (eventually) I think maybe you suggest that he has her at the weekends along with the 3 kids you share, after all they are his as well, and you have them in the week.

Yeah he's just a loveable cheeky rogue. Let him leave his daughter behind with someone she shows no respect towards.

Bit of a maths question though. If OP has been her mum (which from updates she hasn't really) since she was 6, and the dad has been the dad since birth, which is the bigger number?

[FreezeMotherHubbard]

Thinking there genuinely needs to be some kind of sanction for those he seem to be able to state without irony that "you've been her mum since she was 6".

[FreezeMotherHubbard]

@FreezeMotherHubbard

Thinking there genuinely needs to be some kind of sanction for those he seem to be able to state without irony that "you've been her mum since she was 6".

*who seem to be able

[Nearly47]

He is being unresonable but it looks like you will have to explain to sd why she needs to go with him. Maybe make some fixed arrangements for her to visit you . Teenagers are difficult but it doesn't mean she isn't struggling and she doesn't care for you. Be kind but firm. You are not legally her parent and that could complicate things were she to stay.