To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

[edwinbear]

Dad needs to take responsibility for his own DC. Where is mum OP? Did she die or did she just abandon her D?

[PinkFlamingoo]

@Singalongasong

Bit of a side issue but would them both moving out put you under any pressure to move somewhere smaller? Though I guess if you've been there the whole time it's probably not made for having 4 kids in there anyway...

It's a 4 bed house, I get housing benefit but I pay bedroom tax for 1 bedroom. Currently dsd in one, ex in another, 2 of my dc together and my and our youngest together

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@edwinbear

Dad needs to take responsibility for his own DC. Where is mum OP? Did she die or did she just abandon her D?

Because if he abandons her as well... I shudder to think.

[frazzledasarock]

No she’s his daughter. He’s trying to abandon his child. He sounds like quite the most spectacularly shit father ever.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known her, she is not your child, she goes with her father.

Doesn’t matter if she was born in your house, she leaves with her father just as any child would a former family home if their parents split and the resident parent had to leave the home with their DC.

Cannot believe anyone saying you should take her on, and presumably shoulder all financial as well material responsibility for her.

I feel sorry for her, that she has an utterly shit excuse of a father.

This is not a step parents responsibility.

Sometimes it’s like the twilight zone on here when step parents post.

[RaiseTheBeastie]

To be perfectly honest, if the girl has lived in a home since she was 6 but has clearly been 'othered' - and she must have been because the op is treating her differently to her own dc now - then I'm not surprised her behaviour may be challenging.

If the main aim is to make the ex step up and theres apparently no issue in splitting the family up, the fairest solution would be for each parent to take two dc each.

Have you suggested that option to the ex op?

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

If he's had full custody of her since she was 3 then she needs to be with him.

Poor kid though. One of the saddest posts i've read on mumsnet in 15 years.

[aprilanne]

Sorry but poor child .you both sound awful .yes she is 16 a pain what teenager isn't. She has lived with you for 10 years but you plan to basically fling her out of her home
If you have parental responsibility. Get some for goodness sake .you dont have to be married to the father for that nowadays ..sorry buts its cruel

[PinkFlamingoo]

@edwinbear

Dad needs to take responsibility for his own DC. Where is mum OP? Did she die or did she just abandon her D?

Mum was hard on drugs and still is, ex was granted sole custody of her by the courts and she's not seen her mum since

[edwinbear]

@MrsTerryPratchett I wholeheartedly agree.

[frazzledasarock]

Given the man wants to abandon his eldest child. It doesn’t sound like he’ll happily take responsibility of two younger children who will need a lot more hands on care.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

What a terrible situation ....can totally understand why you wouldn't want to keep her with you OP - l struggled when my stepson moved in with us and dh and l are still together- just don't think l couldnhave had him here if we split up.
But my heart goes out to the girl who at 16 is probably scared of having nobody that wants her.
Can you do as pp suggested and say she can stay but only if she bucks her ideas up? Or is the relationship not very good in general?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

But my heart goes out to the girl who at 16 is probably scared of having nobody that wants her.

Which is why the message from dad needs to be, "I know you'd rather stay with OP but I couldn't bear not having you around. I love you." Rather than "phew". Wanker.

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ive tried to add rules in but it just doesn't work!
She doesn't change, time and time again, she just gets worse. Mentally I cannot cope with it, it's causing me to be stressed!!

[HerRoyalNotness]

@RaiseTheBeastie

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

Agree with this. I can't imagine how you could have lived in the same house as her since she was 6 without being effectively her mum. She probably barely remembers a time when you weren't her mum.

Regardless of the biology, regardless of why the split happened, I can fully understand why dh wants her to stay with you and the other dc. And why she wants to stay with the bulk of her family.

It's very sad that you don't want her tbh. Are you not attached to her at all? Would you kick out one of your bio dc at 16 for exhibiting the same behaviour?

Yes probably he’s a lazy prick.

And stop with the ‘if it was your bio child’ nonsense. Comes up on every SP thread. It’s irrelevant as the SD is not the OP bio child and she has a father she can live with.

[tonimitchell]

It totally depends on relationship between OP and the 16 year old.

OP doesn’t feel like this 16 years old mother. Her dad really needs to take responsibility

[edwinbear]

OP Dad needs to step up. This is a child who has had an unbelievably hard life, it's not surprising that she is challenging. But when he decided to leave you, with your own DC and thought he could just opt out, leaving his vulnerable DD with you. Well, he's a prick. But she is still not your problem.

[HelloOldSport]

God, some of these responses are laughable. It's not OP's child! Why should she become the sole parent of a child that isn't even hers?

@aprilanne Are you for real? Get a grip mate.

[Starling85]

I hope you can find it in your heart to let her stay with you, OP. Poor poor girl she has already lost her mum, her dad is now swanning off to be with his new girlfriend, and her step-mum of 10 years doesn't want her either.

I have to say I do find it very strange when people become step-parents to kids who have zero contact with the other parent, but don't seem to love them. Then go on to have kids and treat them completely differently to the step-child.

Does she know how you feel? I just feel so, so sad for her 💔

[Starling85]

Also your ex sounds horrible!

[AngryLlama]

I think after being her stepmum for 10 years you owe it to her to find her some resources. At least tell school what's happening. Maybe someone can look out for her. What a truly depressing post. This child doesn't have a snowballs chance....But no you don't have to keep her. If you do then you need to sort out proper parenting and house rules. It all sounds hugely chaotic for all the children.

[Mrgrinch]

@PinkFlamingoo

Ive tried to add rules in but it just doesn't work!
She doesn't change, time and time again, she just gets worse. Mentally I cannot cope with it, it's causing me to be stressed!!

You do realise this is normal teenage behaviour that your own DC will probably display?

I'm not saying you ought to keep her there because she's her father's responsibility, but if you can't cope with one rebellious teen how do you expect to cope with 3?

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

@MrsTerryPratchett of course it should but he sounds like he couldn't give flying one about his daughter....probably thinks he is being a good dad by guilt tripping OP into letting her stay.
Just think at 16 this poor girl needs someone to show her some kindness. But agree OP shouldn't have to if she doesn't want to.
OP is there another family member that could take her?

[RaiseTheBeastie]

And stop with the ‘if it was your bio child’ nonsense. Comes up on every SP thread. It’s irrelevant as the SD is not the OP bio child and she has a father she can live with

That's a matter of opinion. In mine, it's very relevant.

If you begin a serious relationship with a man who has sole custody of his (effectively) motherless six year old, I think it's pretty reasonable to expect you're going to step into a mothering role.

If op wasn't willing to fully embrace the child in such a sitiatun, she should have walked away ten years ago imo.

[MadMadMadamMim]

@PinkFlamingoo

Ive tried to add rules in but it just doesn't work!
She doesn't change, time and time again, she just gets worse. Mentally I cannot cope with it, it's causing me to be stressed!!

This is the reason he has to take her. You have enough on your plate with your own three children and he's swanning off to some OW.

It's not cruel or unreasonable to be at breaking point and say NO! I can't honestly believe the people on here expecting you to just continue allowing him and DSD to treat you like shit and as though you should just put up and shut up for everyone else's convenience. It doesn't sound like she cares about you or would be anything other than more hard work.

Can people just not see the OP is stressed and in tears? Why is her mental health not a priority? Stop trying to guilt her into being the one that has to take on everything.

[edwinbear]

It is very sad that she has an addict mum and a dad who doesn't give a shiny shit about her. But let's not forget that OP now has 3 DC of their own to parent, no doubt he'll be a useless fuck with those as well. OP is not a rehab centre.