To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

[saraclara]

So if you left your DH he'd be her resident parent and take full responsibility for her?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You've been her 'mum' for the same length of time as my own dh has been a stepdad to my dc. If your bond is anything remotely like the one he has, I can't imagine you doing anything other than continuing to raise her?

If you buggered off with another man, you think your DH should raise your children? Or should you? Which do you think would mess them up?

[Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll]

Poor kid

[Toddlerteaplease]

Even if the OP was married. She still wouldn't have PR.

[GawiNulim]

So he can fuck off and shack up with his new gf and expect his ex to care for and house his daughter? 😂😂😂 What planet is he on? No.

[NoSquirrels]

I agree with MrsTP. It’s asking OP to house her unconditionally, despite her teenage attitude and behaviour, and be the parent she needs - when the girl already has a parent who’s abandoning her, and she’s already been abandoned by her birth mother. And it’s asking OP to do this emotionally taxing thing whilst she’s already emotionally vulnerable and now responsible for 3x younger DC of her own single-handed.

I think we’d all like to think we’re selfless enough to say the poor kid could stay - but in reality who is strong enough for that in this situation?

OP, I think you need to insist she lives with her father. Try to be the listening ear, the trusted adult - if you can, if you are able without hurting yourself - but be 100% clear with everyone that loving her doesn’t mean you can house her and take responsibility for her.

[Sparklfairy]

OP please don't let strangers emotionally blackmail you here.

If you'd been together a year, and split up, he would (should) take his DD with him and there would be no debate.

The length of time and that 'this is DSD home', plus the situation with the DM simply muddies the waters.

Kids get 'uprooted' all the time.

My opinion is that ex wants to skip merrily off into the sunset and not have a teenager cramping his style. Her behaviour is irrelevant, he would still do this.

Do NOT be guilted into this.

She is not your child. And he can't just palm her off on you because it'll ruin his little idea of a perfect little shag pad.

[Weenurse]

Explain to her that as you have no legal responsibility for her, she will need to go with her Dad. Use the emergency scenario to illustrate your point.
Let her know she can visit her siblings and make sure she is included in family events.
Let Ex know that this is your plan and he needs to plan accordingly. Do not let him guilt you into keeping her.
I also feel very sorry for her and you all.

[Sparklfairy]

I can't believe people are suggesting foster care. I'd step in if it was a friends child, let alone a child I'd been a step parent to for 10 years!!

Oh and foster care is a ridiculous suggestion. However one out of two parents is (apparently) stable, not abusive, not neglectful...

He just wants free rein to shag his new gf without any pesky responsibilities like chidren, so there is no need for any third party to just 'step in'.

She's not going to be any more miserable that most other teenagers who at some point have had to do something they don't want to do.

And your ex is an arse, because he will fuck that child up by saying, 'Oh but I wanted to let you live where you want, but OP didn't want you' rather than 'I'm your dad, OP is not your parent, you live with me, end of discussion.'

[Estasala]

Oh I feel so sorry for the poor girl. How awful, not to be loved or wanted by any of adults in your life.

He sounds utterly selfish but perhaps he will step up and make better choices.

[BlueVelvetStars]

She will be fine with her Father.

[me4real]

No way! She's not yours and she isn't treating you well.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

he can fuck off and shack up with his new gf and expect his ex to care for and house his daughter? 😂😂😂 What planet is he on? No

Exactly my thoughts, he's taking the absolute piss. His child, his responsibility end of.

[georgarina]

Your ex is out of his mind. He's the parent, you've got 3 kids to look after.

You can still have a relationship with DSD, it's not like she walks out the door and you can never speak again. But ultimately you're not her parent and he can't just leave her with you because he wants to live the single life.

He's the one who's choosing to do something terrible for his child OP. You're not responsible for his actions and for enabling his bad behaviour. What he's basically saying is 'you need to save my daughter from my shit parenting - if you don't it's your fault.'

And then you've taken on responsibility for cleaning up after his selfishness - and where does it end?

Ridiculous.

[SandyY2K]

She needs to go with her dad. You shouldn't have the responsibility of a teenager who you have no legal responsibility for. Especially as she's a handful.

[Harriedharriet]

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

You cannot be serious.....

[georgarina]

@mrstt89 It's 100% the parent's responsibility.

If he sees OP won't be guilted into stepping in, he'll have to take responsibility.

[Justilou1]

Absolutely fucking deluded. She is not your kid. You have no legal responsibility. If she were to require legal or medical attention the whole situation is a nightmare - not to mention the fact that she treats you like dirt and you would end up exploding. Also, he has made it clear that he doesn’t want her because he wants to go and live a romantic, responsibility-free life... HA!

[londonscalling]

It's a tricky one as you've been in her life such a long time. However, it's tough enough parenting your own teenagers, let alone one that's not naturally yours so won't listen to your rules etc. And realistically, why should you whilst your ex is with his new girlfriend with no ties! Initially I felt sorry for unit DSD as I thought nobody wants her, but it appears he will have her but she wants to stay with you. Unfortunately this happens when adults separate so she will have to go with her dad!

[Guavafish]

I think you should let her stay in her childhood home with her siblings until she has finished her education.

Make the rules clear and if they are broken let her know she’ll have to move in with her father.

[bogbabe]

Poor girl. To all intents and purposes you are her mum and that house is her home. Is she any worse than any other teenager?

Yes dad sounds like a selfish arse; what a prick. She wants to stay for a reason.

Poor girl

[Doingtheboxerbeat]

Taking on other people's unwanted children is woman's work OP, know your place !!!

[SympathyFatigue]

What a glorious mess.
Are the other 3 kids yours and your useless ex?
So he's knobbed off with another woman, has told his biological 16 year old she can stay with you and her half siblings while he goes off and lives with new gf?
Does new gf have kids? I wonder if he'll have more kids.

I'm in two minds, obviously she's technically not your child but that is her home since she was 6. It's him that's caused this though. Is he thinking she'll just move in with him and his new gf if she leaves yours?

People saying ring foster carers or kick her out. Christ. She's 16. Her mother is a drug addict, her father an utter twat and now step mum should boot her out.
16 is a tough age, your e not quite an adult but want to be and behave poorly at times. Can anyone blame her?

What a mess.
No adults in her life are exhibiting anything except annoyance and abandonment.
Does she have any additional needs/attachment issues. I'd not be shocked if there wasn't something.