To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

[Julie269]

I agree with comments made, it is sad but she should be with her dad he has been granted full custody of her. If anything happened to her the responsibility would be on you. She needs to move when he does. Hope you get on ok xx ❤❤

[Jaxhog]

Either she agrees to follow your rules OR she goes with her Dad.

[Mumoflil1]

Such a sad situation. He is definitely a piss taking ass. Although, i couldnt chuck ds out after 10 years together. Teenagers are messy and lazy but that doesn't last forever. As the kids get older, it might be that she is the one you can turn to to help out. At the moment she has 3 siblings and will miss out on them because of her dad.
I was a rotten, rude and messy teenager but i would do pretty much a anything for my parents now.. And i keep my house pristine. Its just a phase.
Sorry you are in this awful situation though and i hope that whatever you decide, ds is ok and you are too. X

[whoopsabloominbuttercup]

What type of sanction do you suggest? said without irony.

[Annieconn]

Bet he wouldn't take your 3 kids to live with him. Talk about wanting a free ride. He's moving on and he needs to take his child with him. You have enough to do. He needs to step up and do his bit too. Cheek!

[HollowTalk]

I wouldn't do it, mainly because of her own behaviour. I would struggle to cope with it and couldn't think of a reason why I should, either. I wouldn't move house - if you have a council house in an area that you like, then hang on to it. You'd be crazy to leave that. She has to go to her dad's, there's no other way around it.

[sue69m]

Don't let him do this to you or her.. He needs to take her with him and let the new gf take her crap

[ILoveIkea]

@saraclara

It's almost like the OW has bused in a load of her mates in the last half hour.

This

[saraclara]

@ellyeth

I sympathise greatly with your situation. It must be very difficult with three children and one, rather challenging, teenager to care for on your own while your ex swans off with his girlfriend.

However, are you able to put yourself in the shoes of your step daughter who has been cut adrift by her dad and probably feels quite unwanted at the moment? Sixteen is a difficult time anyway without all this upheaval. If you can find it in your heart to let her stay with you, despite her often obnoxious behaviour, there is a chance that she will not be too affected by the break up and will eventually modify the quite common teenage challenging behaviour that is causing you much anxiety.

Her dad really ought to take more responsibility but that is not his daughter's fault.

As for the comment "not your kid, not your problem" - words fail me.

She's not been cut adrift by him. He says he'll take her, but she's decided she wants to stay with OP. Because she knows OP has no authority over her so she can do what she likes.

Instead of stepping up and telling her that's not possible, her Dad is encouraging her, and abusing OP for saying no. I'm sure it suits his agenda not to have her, but this way he gets to say "I would take her but she doesn't want to come with me"

[Coffeepot72]

I’m still staggered at the amount of posters who imply the OP has more obligation here than the girl’s father

[Penistoe]

Op I would seriously consider asking for a smaller house. You are not responsible for your ex boyfriends child. She is not a step daughter if you are not married. I feel for her, but her issues are caused by the two actual parents who have let her down.
Of course he will become aggressive and call you horrible names, he needs something from you and will bully to get it. Letting him back was a mistake but it’s done now.
I honestly think a new house would be a fresh start for you and your theee children away from all this. I get that uprooting the kids is stressful but sometimes a new home can cleanse us of the memories and be a fresh start. It sounds like a fresh start is what you need, ready to begin the new life you deserve.

[Notaroadrunner]

@CayrolBaaaskin

I feel your pain but if she’s been living with you for 10 years I think you do have a responsibility to her. It’s horrible for her to be so unwanted- she’s only 16. Fair enough to set ground rules but I think it would be harsh to throw her out.

Another one who clearly hasn't bothered to read the ops posts, because if you had you would see how it's totally unworkable to have her stay.

[ellyeth]

I sympathise greatly with your situation. It must be very difficult with three children and one, rather challenging, teenager to care for on your own while your ex swans off with his girlfriend.

However, are you able to put yourself in the shoes of your step daughter who has been cut adrift by her dad and probably feels quite unwanted at the moment? Sixteen is a difficult time anyway without all this upheaval. If you can find it in your heart to let her stay with you, despite her often obnoxious behaviour, there is a chance that she will not be too affected by the break up and will eventually modify the quite common teenage challenging behaviour that is causing you much anxiety.

Her dad really ought to take more responsibility but that is not his daughter's fault.

As for the comment "not your kid, not your problem" - words fail me.

[Naunet]

I feel your pain but if she’s been living with you for 10 years I think you do have a responsibility to her. It’s horrible for her to be so unwanted- she’s only 16. Fair enough to set ground rules but I think it would be harsh to throw her out

She hasn’t been living with her for 10 years. And how is having a child live with their actual father considered ‘kicking her out’? Do you think men can’t possibly be expected to parent their own children? That they’re of less importance in their children’s lives than a building is?

[saraclara]

It's almost like the OW has bused in a load of her mates in the last half hour.

[FreezeMotherHubbard]

@ILoveIkea

Come on people fgs!!
This has to be the first thread I've read where people not reading the updates has literally made me want to scream.

Agreed, think a lot of people have seen this trending and just posted after the OP. The other day MNHQ added a sentence to the bottom of an OP advising people to RTFT before commenting and in hindsight this might have helped here.

[Lucked]

Honestly I would move. At least speak to the council about options without the extra bedroom as you may be surprised. Your DH needs to step up and you need a fresh start with your children. I think if you don’t move she will see her room at your place as an alternative and end up on your doorstep after the first tiff with her dad.

Things have clearly gone wrong for your SD but you have younger children to think about and no parental responsibility.

[ILoveIkea]

Come on people fgs!!
This has to be the first thread I've read where people not reading the updates has literally made me want to scream.

[FreezeMotherHubbard]

@londonbrunette24

I’m sorry but am I the only one missing the point here? How has your 16 year old been allowed to get away with this behaviour so far? All of the children, not just her are going through so much right now. This break up affects the children and it’s important they all stay together. You’ve been her Mum for the past 10 years, she needs you. He’s leaving all of the children, so tell him to piss off and meanwhile you establish a routine where she helps you with the younger ones, give her a bit of responsibility, make her feel loved and wanted. She’ll become your best friend and have respect for you as the parent that didn’t turn their back on her.

Think I've seen that film on Channel 5. Back in the real world...

[CharlotteRose90]

This has to be one of the saddest things I’ve read in years. The girls mum doesn’t want her, the dad doesn’t want her and now the person/step mum who’s house she knows as home can’t let her stay. Think it’s time for social services to be involved if their not already as this guy is leaving his child . The girl needs to be with her dad and his new partner. Heartbreaking all round especially as a 16 year old. I was a little shit at 16 and needed emotional support and love. Breaks my heart that she won’t get it.

[KarmaDoesItForYou]

As a care leaver I don’t recommend calling social services as they will throw her in a dodgy bed sit and see her maybe once a week to hand her £50-70. She’ll be extremely vulnerable. I see both sides of this, I fully understand why you don’t want her with you but I also see why she’d want to stay you’re her mum she may not say it but I think she’s just a very troubled girl. I used to be like her and I’d like to think I’ve turned my life around. Personally I would let her stay but if you feel you can’t you’re perfectly justified and shouldn’t feel guilty. Her dad’s clearly a dick.

[CayrolBaaaskin]

I feel your pain but if she’s been living with you for 10 years I think you do have a responsibility to her. It’s horrible for her to be so unwanted- she’s only 16. Fair enough to set ground rules but I think it would be harsh to throw her out.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Bloody hell so much internalised sexism on this thread

[StevenYerTeasReady]

"Words fail me. You can't possibly have read all the OP's updates."

@saraclara Words haven't failed you at all. You have used "possibly", "have" and "all the OP's updates" unnecessarily. Remove those from your quote and you'd be right.

[Nearly47]

He is being unresonable but it looks like you will have to explain to sd why she needs to go with him. Maybe make some fixed arrangements for her to visit you . Teenagers are difficult but it doesn't mean she isn't struggling and she doesn't care for you. Be kind but firm. You are not legally her parent and that could complicate things were she to stay.