To not want DSD to live with me?

[PinkFlamingoo]

Ok this sounds bad but my ex and I aren't together, currently living together until he finds somewhere else (probably with his gf).

We have just had a huge row because he's planning on leaving his 16 year old DD here with me along with the 3 kids we have together!!

As much as I love DSD she takes the piss, she's messy, doesn't work, does no housework, is nasty to the kids and just does whatever she wants when she wants. I can't cope with the stress.

I have told him it's not fair for him to dump her on me while he lives a nice life without the stress I'm dealing with!!
Apparently this is her "home" and it's not fair for me to kick her out!

I can't cope anymore, I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do.

AIBU or is he?

[aprilanne]

HELLOOLDSPORT .I have to get a grip for suggesting its cruel to separate siblings .just because she was unfortunate enough to gave a druggie mother and a step mum who obviously doesn't love her either poor kid really.yes her father is awful too dont think he is smelling of Rose's

[edwinbear]

If op wasn't willing to fully embrace the child in such a sitiatun, she should have walked away ten years ago imo

OP did exactly that, but then he decided to fuck off with OW. Maybe OW should be taking this on?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

16 is when they need their dads to love them because otherwise they'll find an arsehole of a man to very dysfunctionally fill that role.

Poor little girl.

And is he planning for OP to have full residency of all their shared children? Otherwise there's another 'home'.

[HelloOldSport]

@aprilanne

HELLOOLDSPORT .I have to get a grip for suggesting its cruel to separate siblings .just because she was unfortunate enough to gave a druggie mother and a step mum who obviously doesn't love her either poor kid really.yes her father is awful too dont think he is smelling of Rose's

Calling the OP awful though? Don't be pathetic. She isn't unreasonable for not wanting to permanently take on a child that isn't hers, whilst the actual child's father swans off.

[edwinbear]

OP what is OW position on his 4 DC?

[PinkFlamingoo]

@edwinbear

OP what is OW position on his 4 DC?

She rarely sees them!

[edwinbear]

OP you do you. And your DC. Let him (and OW) do him. I rarely feel emotionally connected to people on MN, but my God I really wish you the best.

[timeisnotaline]

I think you can’t. When she and ex leave you have a bedroom each for your children. But more importantly, you have no parental responsibility. You aren’t authorised to sign for or speak for her in an accident or anything school does or anything at all. You have to tell your ex this, and call her school and tell them, and tell ex you will have to call social services. Legally you’d have to apply for parental responsibility or fostering of some kind to even be allowed to keep her wouldnt you?
What a monumental twat your ex is. Tell him this one is on him, and she’s either homeless or with her dad. You have 3 dc and you can’t afford anything going wrong because you have kindly kept your sd despite no legal rights.

[BlueVelvetStars]

OP you do what you need to do to get through this.

[Stichintime]

You have no control over her, legal or otherwise. She needs to go with her dad, sad though it is.

[edwinbear]

Honestly, just let OW know their new love nest comes with a troubled 16y old. That will completely piss on their parade,

[Trappedonanisland]

I feel desperately sad for that poor wee girl.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Well if she has lived there all this time it is her home, why should she be uprooted? She is 16 and everything you said about her sums up every16 year old.

No, it doesn't. I have near that age who's nothing like that. Her father needs to take her.

[edwinbear]

I think we all feel sad for the DD. But OP provided a loving, secure, safe home, until her DP fucked off with OW.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@timeisnotaline

I think you can’t. When she and ex leave you have a bedroom each for your children. But more importantly, you have no parental responsibility. You aren’t authorised to sign for or speak for her in an accident or anything school does or anything at all. You have to tell your ex this, and call her school and tell them, and tell ex you will have to call social services. Legally you’d have to apply for parental responsibility or fostering of some kind to even be allowed to keep her wouldnt you?
What a monumental twat your ex is. Tell him this one is on him, and she’s either homeless or with her dad. You have 3 dc and you can’t afford anything going wrong because you have kindly kept your sd despite no legal rights.

This

[TaraR2020]

So he's going to abandon his daughter?


Have any of you asked what she wants btw?



Like everyone else, I really feel for the poor girl. Unfortunately, unless you're willing to take on legal guardianship of her, which sounds like a no-go (no judgement), when he goes then she will need to stay with him. He is her parent, you are not.

I really hope any discussions (or arguments) about this are done away from all children so there's no risk of them overhearing

From what little you've said, it doesn't sound as if she's particularly attached to you. I hope though, that you feel you'll always be able to be a friend to her and continue to include her with your children in family activities.


If he's insistent on abandoning her, then speak to a solicitor, op. At least it will mean communication is outsourced and not at risk of being overheard by your dc and dsd.

[TheDuchessOfBeddington]

@RaiseTheBeastie

And stop with the ‘if it was your bio child’ nonsense. Comes up on every SP thread. It’s irrelevant as the SD is not the OP bio child and she has a father she can live with

That's a matter of opinion. In mine, it's very relevant.

If you begin a serious relationship with a man who has sole custody of his (effectively) motherless six year old, I think it's pretty reasonable to expect you're going to step into a mothering role.

If op wasn't willing to fully embrace the child in such a sitiatun, she should have walked away ten years ago imo.

But instead she stayed and made babies with him 3 children who are DSD siblings.

This post is heartbreaking. That poor girl.

[edwinbear]

But instead she stayed and made babies with him 3 children who are DSD siblings

And gave his DD a loving home. He thanked her for this by by fucking off with OW. OP has opened her heart and home to his DD, they have been a family for years. He's now off to live his best life, handing over his parental responsibilities in their entirity.

[JimBobNoJob]

She needs to go with her dad. You have no legal responsibility for her and it sounds like she has no respect for you. Your ex cannot just pass on his responsibilities and leave it solely to you just because he’s in a new relationship. He’s trying to guilt trip you to rid him of his own guilt and selfishness.

You need to concentrate on you and your dcs.

[edwinbear]

*entirety

[saraclara]

@FelicityBeedle

You’ve effectively been her mum for 10 years, I think you need to step up this time

And he's literally been her dad for 16 years.

Come on now.

[Birminghambloke]

Ex has parental responsibility. Therefore, on paper, DSD needs to be with him and OW. Hard though it may be for DSD and half siblings.

If DSD stays with you, then some serious conversations need to occur. With ex regarding PR and funding her keep; with DSD regarding attitude and stepping up to be a decent member of the family. DSD will need your consistency so may, with a message going her way, see how lucky she is to have you.

I do feel for you. Any wonder you’re in tears. You love all four children and know their siblings. Ex has just dumped a second family. At the moment he’s disrespected you with OW and for expecting you to keep all four kids by self. Is he keeping you all in the background? Cake and eat it comes to mind. If you do keep DSD with you, have a clear plan if things things remain tricky. DSD is old enough to be aware of this plan.

[Littlefluffyclouds13]

You've been her 'mum' for the same length of time as my own dh has been a stepdad to my dc.
If your bond is anything remotely like the one he has, I can't imagine you doing anything other than continuing to raise her? Yes, it's her Dads responsibility but like countless other feckless parents, he's failing her and you're the closest thing she has to a decent parent.
Perhaps more importantly, aren't your other dc her half siblings?
I can't believe people are suggesting foster care. I'd step in if it was a friends child, let alone a child I'd been a step parent to for 10 years!!

[saraclara]

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Well if she has lived there all this time it is her home, why should she be uprooted? She is 16 and everything you said about her sums up every16 year old.

It really doesn't, thank goodness. My 16 year olds and their friends didn't behave like this at all.

Why should OP, entirely unrelated to this poor girl, be the person to have to live and deal with her while her dad, swans off with his new bit of totty?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

The problem with expectations around DD's behaviour is that what she needs is unconditional love and a positive story. Any attempt to link her living somewhere with her behaviour is conditional. If OP decided to house her (and in my opinion she shouldn't) it would need to be with the understanding that DD was welcome regardless of her behaviour. Because that's what parents do.

Despite all this though I think DD is going to have a very rough life. Two formative times in her life being abandoned. She'd have to be a very unusual girl not to go off the rails. Which OP hasn't the time to deal with, what with having three children to raise now her Prince Arsehole has fucked off.

It's funny because my mum took in three of my waif and stray friends. Variously disinterested and abusive parents. There was always a bed and a meal. One stayed months. But she wasn't their mum. Nothing replaces that.