Page 9 | To ask him to miss out on his friends stag?

Ilovedmybed1985 · 2021-05-15T12:09:55+00:00

I know we have been in lockdown, and I know he needs to live his life too... But... We have two children under two. His friend is having two stags Friday to Sunday two weekends in a row (one is a small indoor one with 5 friends, one is an outdoor event with more people). Aibu to ask him to just go to one? It is so hard with two under two, and i don't know if I can do the nights alone two weekends in a row. Am I being selfish and unreasonable? Or should I say its fine to go? I know ultimately it is up to him just wanted to know opinions.

Coyoacan · 16/05/2021 12:34

OP, I'm sorry you don't have any family support. Frankly with a dick of a husband like that, if I were you, I would start getting my ducks in a row then and planning for life as a single parent. It is actually much easier to live on one's own than with someone so completely inconsiderate as your husband.

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2021 13:06

[quote Ilovedmybed1985]@Checkingout811 well you have emotional support there anyway.
And no I just thought we would be home all day every day 🤨... obviously I knew I would be looking after them by myself. I have not said I don't think he should go out or to any stag dos. I have just asked opinions about the two in the original post.[/quote]
Is there a reason you're not going to the weddings?

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2021 13:10

@KizzyMoo

Yabu it's only 2 weekends op sure you can cope with 2 kids for that short time.

RTFT!!!

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2021 13:14

AFAIC a decent father wouldn't even think of being away that much.

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2021 13:15

@Nanny0gg she’s not invited . Personally I can’t comprehend a wedding where you don’t invite spouses unless perhaps they are strangers like work colleagues partners- what’s the point of celebrating a wedding if you don’t think anyone else having married someone matters? And if they are near strangers the dh should just not go given his wife needs him at home.

Original poster

Ilovedmybed1985 · 16/05/2021 13:22

@nanny0gg I am not invited as they are having the wedding when maximum number of people is 30 (due to covid). The wedding is on the Saturday and is about a 2 hour drive away. He is going on the Friday night and will be coming back Sunday. Not sure why he needs to go the night before to a wedding though... evenings/nights are the toughest time but I said it's fine to that so can't do anything about it now

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovedmybed1985 · 16/05/2021 13:23

@Koolandorthegang no he doesn't have any children, nor do any of the men going to the first stag (the smaller one), he is the only one

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovedmybed1985 · 16/05/2021 13:23

As in my husband is the only one with kids

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 16/05/2021 13:31

I’d find it quite controlling and a red flag. Does he do the same and restrict you going out? The word red flag is far to overused. But if we must talk about red flags, I’d find it more of a red flag if someone felt the need to go on weekend long benders for the next 5 out of 7 weekends and considered having to stay at home for some of that time controlling to be a red flag.

OP even with family support, I would consider someone who is planning to be away for 5 out of the next 7 weekends to have checked out of family life.

And WTF is this obsession of having stag/hen weeks/weekends? What’s wrong with a night out?

Dashel · 16/05/2021 13:44

I would be booking a long spa weekend with your mum or a friend and leave him and the little ones alone.

He is spending a huge amount of time at weddings and stag dos and a fortune too so I think it’s important you get sort sort of break too

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2021 14:00

Why have you said it’s fine? You really need to have a meltdown and say none of this is fine, you are never here, off having fun every single weekend while I just keep slogging away here with no support and you keep choosing extra nights away, you keep choosing not to help us. I feel bad saying I don’t want you to go to something fun but I don’t understand why it’s not obvious to you how hard this is for me and how unfair it is that you say yes to everything and leave me to it- these are your children too, and I’m not an indentured servant. And don’t say crap like I can take time off too, I can’t because for one thing you’re never ever here. Soon I will be able to take time off and you will be surprised when I disappear for a month which is starting to feel like what’s needed to get some balance back here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2021 14:55

@timeisnotaline

Why have you said it’s fine? You really need to have a meltdown and say none of this is fine, you are never here, off having fun every single weekend while I just keep slogging away here with no support and you keep choosing extra nights away, you keep choosing not to help us. I feel bad saying I don’t want you to go to something fun but I don’t understand why it’s not obvious to you how hard this is for me and how unfair it is that you say yes to everything and leave me to it- these are your children too, and I’m not an indentured servant. And don’t say crap like I can take time off too, I can’t because for one thing you’re never ever here. Soon I will be able to take time off and you will be surprised when I disappear for a month which is starting to feel like what’s needed to get some balance back here.

I agree with this. Yes, you said 'fine'. But that was then and this is now. Thinking again - he's fucking off and leaving you in the lurch for five weekends out of seven. An even worse scenario than the two stag weekends for the same cockwomble groom.

I'd be having A Talk with him, which would probably include the words 'priorities' and 'selfish'.

And as an aside - surely I can't be alone in considering a wedding that insists on splitting asunder already-married guests from their wedded partners for the convenience of the happy couple to be a tad hypocritical? Yes, covid - but it's still mindblowing that guests are expected to leave behind their partner in celebration of a new partnership.

Concestor · 16/05/2021 15:51

@timeisnotaline

Why have you said it’s fine? You really need to have a meltdown and say none of this is fine, you are never here, off having fun every single weekend while I just keep slogging away here with no support and you keep choosing extra nights away, you keep choosing not to help us. I feel bad saying I don’t want you to go to something fun but I don’t understand why it’s not obvious to you how hard this is for me and how unfair it is that you say yes to everything and leave me to it- these are your children too, and I’m not an indentured servant. And don’t say crap like I can take time off too, I can’t because for one thing you’re never ever here. Soon I will be able to take time off and you will be surprised when I disappear for a month which is starting to feel like what’s needed to get some balance back here.

I completely agree with this. It's time to re-evaluate looking at all the weekends away as a whole. He is completely taking the piss. Don't let him. This is not ok.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 16/05/2021 16:33

@VanceRefridgeration is spot on.

I'm sure if the boot was on the other foot your DH wouldn't be happy with this scenario of multiple weddings and hen do's whilst taking in the sole responsibility of childcare. The early years are exhausting.

reginafalange2020 · 16/05/2021 16:41

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d find it quite controlling and a red flag. Does he do the same and restrict you going out?

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ for Christ sake. This isn't a "red flag" everything is abusive on MN!

He has 2 kids to look after. Choosing 1 to attend is more than reasonable OP.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/05/2021 18:27

Yes having 2 stag do,s esp in current climate is silly and selfish

Cancel the 6 indoors and have the one of 30

How many of the 6 are going to the other one

Assuming some of the stag won’t be at the wedding due to numbers

The not going to wedding I kinda get,if no stay at 30 I have said to my friends their partner isn’t invited

But as end of July hopefully numbers will increase , and wedding was booked Jan 2019 for may 2020 then may 2021 now July 2021 obv they we’re on original list

I could have 3 couples or 6 good friends

So do understand the lack of invite

But no need to go Friday night. It’s a 2hr drive. Wedding likely to be 1pm onward. He can leave 9/10am sat and stay one night

EL8888 · 16/05/2021 18:45

@VanceRefridgeration yep it’s MN bingo basically. Very depressing, yet familiar. Must be cool wife day

In response to the original post then he’s a lazy piss taker. Sorry l can’t think of a more polite way to answer it than that. He sounds like pisshead version of my 19 year old self, lurching from one drunken night out to the next weekend away. Difference was l was 19, wasn’t married and had no children. My fiancé has been too well drilled by me to know “if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander”. This isn’t an attempt of one up woman ship just to point out he isn’t reasonable and is being totally selfish. I bet never in a million years would he step up to accommodate you being missing in actions for weekends at a time and the recovery / financial price

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2021 18:45

but I said it's fine to that so can't do anything about it now

Of course you can. If you're a team. You can say, "look I've had a think and it's all too much, I can't cope with a reflux baby who doesn't sleep for 5 of those 7 weekends, especially with the days tacked on the beginning and end. We need to reduce these, for my sanity. Which bits can you skip?"

And then don't book a spa weekend. Tell him you've arranged a similar number of nights away, since he's OK with it for mini-breaks, Airbnb stays, hotels and whatever you'd like. You don't actually have to book them. Just see what his reaction is. The money and time away being equal. Because I bet he talks a good game but actually wouldn't dream of being OK with the same in reverse.

midsomermurderess · 16/05/2021 18:49

EL8888, 'cool wives 'day' exists only in your head.

bakingdemon · 16/05/2021 18:52

YANBU at all. Two three day weekends away in a row is ludicrous, selfish and unfair.

Have you said to him yet that you need him to be home for one of them?

EL8888 · 16/05/2021 19:00

@midsomermurderess nope appears to be 16th of May. There have been some nasty unwarranted comments to the OP. My mind was blown from controlling accusations and onwards.

Maybe l need to buck ideas up and think of the dedication shown by the posters who “walked 10 miles a day in the snow with my 4 kids on my back for 8 months so my husband could go on every damn stag do”. I stand corrected

midsomermurderess · 16/05/2021 19:03

Yes, if you say so. God, the amount of nonsense one reads here

fruitsaladyummyummy · 16/05/2021 19:48

Before having my second I'd have thought 2 consecutive weekends was excessive but you would be unreasonable to ask him not to go. Now I have a 5 month old and 18 month old and the thought of one weekend alone would stress me to no end (and I have family nearby) nevermind 2! Definitely just ask him to go to one. Tbh my husband wouldn't even need to be asked he wouldn't leave me alone with them 2 consecutive weekends.

jimmyjammy001 · 16/05/2021 19:59

He's decided to have children with you and with that comes sacrifices, meaning his social life has to take a back seat

Countrygirl2021 · 16/05/2021 20:27

2 full weekend stag do's is a fucking piss take. What is it with all these self indulgent people that want to go on week long holidays abroad, weekends long parties , and expect people to spend a fortune for their stag and hen do's. Taking time away from family and work. What happened yo a good old fashioned night out!

Yes yes yes!!

I think it's juvenile and ridiculous that we have now stag and hen holidays.

I had a meal out with my friends, aunts and mum.

My now husband had a day of quad biking and a comedy club. We were both home by midnight. Much more doable for other people to attend.